Dear cali sister:

November 13, 2016:  “I am the sister of Cali Chica..my mother is having an episode of some sort (hard to diagnose properly) – but in layman terminology- she is going even more insane. she is harassing my sister and I verbally. last night she called saying that our father is having really bad chest pain.. and then changes the story and says ‘not that type of chest pain. he has chest pain in the center, from throwing up all day etc.’. So my sister and I are on the phone wondering what is true what isn’t… she starts screaming horrendous things..and then continues to scream about how this has all happened because of us, and she needs to take care of her husband, and that as parents they have done so much and this is the suffering they get from their sacrifices…it is insanity. It is lifechanging because I see the truth but I also do not know the solution. It is also very hard for me to think.., wow this is my life. these are my parents. I don’t really have parents.

Nov 30, 2017: Today I went to the pharmacy for the first time and picked up an anti-depressant.

September 11, 2017: I went to therapy twice a week, moved away from home toxicity. I moved across the country. and immediately was so much happier. The depression, suicidal thoughts? all gone…((later:)) I don’t know what is happening..I thought I was better.

Nov 29:  I moved across the country. And will probably never return physically close to her. I still am on the anti-depressant but will likely be switching or tapering off… I have been miserable and suffering all of my life.

December 1, 2017: she has said that to me about everything. I am never good enough or strong enough or as smart as others – in her eyes. always puts me down”

anita: “Repeatedly  terrorized  by your mother’s mental rep, your anxiety, the blur is maintained. This is  not necessarily a life sentence. What  do you think?”

cali sister: “yes – I completely agree. it is not a life sentence. but I don’t know how to get bailed out”

December 2, 2017: I don’t have family. I’m essentially alone. (Of course I have my sister). But I’m essentially alone in this anxiety that I have.

December 9: I’ve felt alone my entire life. Tortured by family. I’ve felt like an orphan. Never really had anything. .. Never had the family… It’s not fair. I deserve to have that support. That feeling of love and safety. I’ve never had it. Not for my entire life… Parents and others have always made feel uneasy and unsafe.

December 19: one of the concepts I really struggle with is trying to figure out which things my parents taught me (if anything) are actually good. or is it all bad? Have I learned anything good from them? Were they acting like parents at ANY point? I am left so confused. I must have learned something…positive?.. I cannot tell if some of the things my father has taught me about managing money is correct or if it is a scheme to keep me near and continuously need them…I once had a dream that my father chased me around this mall type building and used a knife to engrave something in my wrist. Last night I had a dream that my mother tried to commit suicide by drinking a bottle of vodka – when asked why she wouldn’t speak and I felt this type of frustration that I have felt my entire life with her – kind of like WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS. And then I woke up. I have grown up with suicidal statements are just stated as if it is normal.. My mother said she will start driving on highways now even though she doesn’t know how and ‘who cares if I die’…sometimes my sister and I think that they know deep, deep inside that they are evil. how can I be free of these nightmares and why did they start now?

December 22: My thoughts are usually what my sister would think or my mother. I do not have my own identity. The other day I was reading my childhood diary to my sister. My diary from when I was 9 years old is literally just the thought process of my mother.

December 26, 2017: Holidays for me are always spent in so much fear. Before they come, I have so much anxiety – my mother has ruined the holidays for my sister and I. she has made them so horrible and unbearable. Last night, I was able to have a Christmas dinner with my friend .. I was so overwhelmed with how nice everyone was to me this weekend that I was unable to take it in and process it. it was something I was not used to. When my friend’s aunt hugged me, I felt a hug that I haven’t felt before from my mother – it was a truly caring hug. I realize how horribly selfish my mother really is…I am always in a rush.. but for what? (my mom always made me feel like death is upon us) nightmares are worsening during this time, but it only makes sense. it is a traumatic time.

January 4, 2018: I am miserable. I want to be free. I want to be excited for my future not hate everything about it.

January 5:  As we speak, (or I type I guess) my mother texts me. Recently when my parents contact me and if I am in public, I find myself cursing at them out loud. As if I want everyone around me to know they are horrible people…however, TO THIS DAY, when I think about my mother sometimes, I still feel so bad for her. My heart drops and I think ‘poor mother of mine’.. another thing is that I have always been closer to my father. He has, of course, also done his fair share of abuse and torture. However, I still crave to know about him. He is an abuser but I still crave him. Most times when I speak to him, I immediately regret it afterwards – he causes extra stress and negativity. He has been literally pure evil for a big percent of my life… he has told me I am a curse to be alive…I am always so scared something will happen to him. He suffers from heart disease, which my mother has blamed me for and also has given me intense anxiety that he will drop dead any moment. What will happen when he’s not here?

January 6: My mother always said things like “if i don’t tell my daughters, who will I tell?” she wanted us to feel bad for her. she liked it when she told us something and we cried for her.

January 9: Am I this angry at my mother that I yell at people for no reason? or am I angry at my life. Or is that the same thing.

January 11: My mother has always made me feel like THIS IS IT and death is upon me. I think everything has to happen right now. I never ever think I have time. It is a concept that is so foreign to me.

January 17 ((addressed to sister)): A couple months ago, sister, I told you about a thought I had. I stated – ‘do you ever thing maybe mom was just always like this? Like maybe she’s just a bad person ..since ALWAYS. So maybe it isn’t right for us to be sad that all these bad things MADE her this way. Maybe she is just a cruel person’…our father was not cruel to us the way mother was. Not emotionally abusive growing up. Now, yes. But he was never evil the way she was. He had anger issues yes. But it was not directed towards us on purpose like hers was.

January 18: When our cleaning lady came every Tuesday growing up – my mother would put an insane amount of pressure on me to make sure T or R were free to come over. ‘make sure you have a friend when Maria comes over. Or else it will look bad.’ So there I was, scrambling, desperately asking people if they could hang out with me – because I HAD to. Not because I wanted to. This is still drilled in me. I feel like I HAVE to. If I did not have plans on a certain night, it automatically made me a loser… Mother’s words: ‘oh my daughter Cali Chica always had so many friends. Cali Chica is outgoing and laughs so much. Cali sister, yeah she has problems with that’ I always felt like the weird one. The ugly one. The quiet one that no one likes. Cali Chica – she’s the perfect, social, queen. Me? I have ‘social problems’.

January 19: There have been countless times where my mother and father are taking a drive somewhere (this is when I lived at home) – and I always felt oh so lonely and never had great friendships. My father was always delighted for me to join them. Always asked me to come. I have severe PTSD from moments when my mother would literally, LITERALLY, tell me not to come. She would uninvite me. She would say ‘no you don’t come. You just stay home’. Do you know how unwanted I felt?.. For my mother, everything is next, next, next. There is no such thing as being in the moment…They ((parents)) truly know nothing about me. I used to always think ‘if I died today, what would they even say about me. How would they describe me?’ I sit here at my work desk right now and feel very emotional. am literally tearing. I truly am not sure why. I guess sometimes we just need a good cry.

January 20-21:  I always sensed a slight hatred for me in her. She doesn’t have that with my sister. With me, it’s like she’s angry I’m alive. There’s many examples I have of this.

I look around me and I cry. I see everything I’ve done around me. How hard I try to be happy and have a better living. I see it all and start to bawl. I see how much effort I put in and I truly feel so bad for myself. I hug myself. I am trying so hard. And yet, I mean this fully when I say it, I feel exactly the same way I’ve felt for years and years. I don’t understand the point of anything Anita. It always comes back to this horrible core feeling…And when I go out. I feel like I have to put on all these nice clothes. I put on makeup. I do my hair. I anxiously have fun. But in my core I am so broken. So utterly broken. Unhappy. And lonely…

She is a bully to my sister and I, and when we have an actual problem – she bullies us more…Most of the time I have no desire to even live. I don’t get the point of it. I find nothing in this life. To me, it’s something that is forced on me and I have to keep going… Everything feels like a chore. I eat because I have to. Make sure puppy gets energy out bc I have to.  Go to work because I have to.

January 22: There is no benefit in speaking to my parents. None at all. But I will not stop contact with them – because at this moment in time, I cannot imagine also losing parents. Then I would be …. actually alone.

January 24: It has been a recent discovery that my parents are ‘cruel’ – so accepting that and getting used to that itself is difficult.

I don’t think I would be able to cut contact unless I have full support – a healthy relationship with a man…

I was given the option to have a restraining order against my mother from the police station. I was very disturbed and had my friend burn it.

February 3, 2018: I just called my parents from the airport (mostly to check in on my dad). The moment my mother took the phone. I felt the anger come in. The things she said were so irritating. And worst of all was her voice. Oh her voice. I wanted to throw my phone out. I couldn’t wait to get out off the phone. It’s almost similar to a dog trying to squirm through a small space. Oh that’s enough for a week I think!

February 24: As you know my sister has cut contact with my parents, which resulted in them harassing me. I was able to put an end to it pretty quickly – I stood my ground and told them I will no longer answer their calls because I also have to take care of my health. I feel a sense of power that I did not feel before. I have control of my life… What a new feeling.

I have been participating in therapy regularly. In some ways, I feel a lot better. I have learned many skills to deal with my anxiety at work. My therapist says she sees a huge improvement in me, although I do not see it as much as she does…

When my first dog passed away in 2014 after 13 years of life, she ((mother)) fled the state with my father and sister the next day. She immediately called my uncle in California that same night and made arrangements to attend a wedding they had previously RSVPed ‘no’ for. She stated, ‘it will help us to be there during this time.’ Ok, but what about me? I was in school at the time, with needless to say, no friends practically. I could not take off because I had exams. So she left me. (I cannot even type this without feeling anger and sadness). She left me all by myself in my home where my sweet dog lived for 13 years.. And the next day, I was alone. Truly all alone to deal with this loss from my life. I was strong, I took all of my exams. But I was numb, almost felt dead…I remember being so traumatized to be in the house because all of her toys and cage were still there. I could still smell her.

March 1, 2018: I am learning to accept what my life has been – and at the same time, realizing more and more the falseness my mother has put in my brain. I am not feeling lonely – I am feeling strong actually. And that anything is possible. She begged me to stay in touch with her and send her a picture of me everyday. ‘It is the least you can do for me. I am your mother. I will die if you don’t talk to me.’

Couple days later, she is the one that disappears from me. She DOES WHAT SHE WANTS. She DOES WHAT SERVES HER.

March 5: The influence of my parents, their voices in my head – poison. I’ve been drinking poison for almost 26 years now – and I finally have reached a point where I can maybe sip it, but not take a full gulp.

This past Saturday, my dad texted me asking to call. I was not going to, but…oh I got pulled in. I felt uneasy not calling. He wanted to talk to me regarding some tax forms he needed. Then my mother took the phone before I could hang up. I was unable to recover from the poison for …hours. Talking to them for those 5 minutes.. showed me HOW MUCH they influence the negativity on me. I knew this, but I saw it for real in front of my eyes. It took me a while to get out of the funk…

Did I tell you about how my mother did not come to the hospital when i was in a car accident? Only my father did. And he rushed there. Like a parent should.

June 8, 2018: I was always compared. Never good enough. I felt inadequate. This will not be forever, but for the past 3 months, it has been torture. I have lost 7 pounds and much of my hair. Therapy is helping but it fades quickly, and I cannot go everyday! ..

I recently talk to them everyday. Why? Because in this moment of despair, they are the most familiar and comforting to me. (How odd and twisted. I hate it.) But right now, speaking them, oddly enough, brings a piece of me back. All of this has made me feel like a piece of nothing. So their voices remind me of some childhood memories and some passions I had.

Lastly, I will end with this – I feel so lost. I feel like an orphan. My job will be ending in Los Angeles soon, and it is time for me to make my next step. Where will I move for my real job? Move to an entire new state and start all over alone again? No, that sounds so overwhelming and sad. I feel like I have no where to go. No place to call home. My parents are toxic. My sister doesn’t always seem to love being around me. What do I have? … After much consideration… my sister and I have decided that I will move close to her. I miss her and all we really need is each other… Moving closer to her gives me anxiety too, however. She switches off and on from being supportive to saying abusive things like my mother. But…we have spoken about it and hopefully can get better with time.

June 10: Since I started therapy, I have not missed one day of work due to anxiety issues. I am better in many ways

June 13: Some days I feel truly miserable. Other days I feel more stable, like things are more on track. Anxiety is my baseline.

June 14: I have a lot of love to give and am a loving person. But my words and actions don’t always show that. I want to work on being a better person. It will allow me to be happier inside and out. I’ve already practiced this with friends around me. And the outcomes are phenomenal.”

anita

* What is in double parentheses (( – are my clarifications.