Hey GL,

For your ex to be a covert narcissist, he would either have to be an introverted kind of person

GL, I do believe him to be more introverted than extroverted. Remember that he has no real male friends? He only goes to socials because of networking opportunities and normally leaves early.

 or someone who keeps victimizing himself, blaming others for his failure.

Well, I can’t say that he explicitly blames others for his failures, but he does feel that he gets the short end of the stick because his background is different from that of the majority (not overwhelming, but still a majority) of his peers at work. And that majority basically sets the rules. Now, say, his immediate supervisor (and that of his peers) is from the same background as he is, and that didn’t prevent him (the supervisor) to reach all that he wanted in his career, but my ex often used to say that it was no wonder that such and such got this and that while he has to twist and turn and to make do.

Since he felt wronged by her, he would have raged against her.

Why would he have felt wronged by her if it was he who committed that blunder? He wanted to get what he wanted to get (her), and for that all means were equally good. Being angry wouldn’t have gotten him anywhere so he turned into a sheep instead with a sorrowful look in his eyes. Exactly the same thing he did when I shut down all communication with him at the beginning of our romance.

If he lacked empathy, he wouldn’t have thought of anyone, especially in his actions.

I don’t see how him showing me his wedding pictures when knowing that I was on antidepressants because of him for the presence of empathy???

Besides, have you noticed that people often say sorry without actually feeling sorry, but just because politeness requires them to say sorry under the given circumstances? So even if people say sorry, that doesn’t mean that they have empathy.

Everyone has a sense of entitlement, but it didn’t seem that he took it too far, not like those who have stalked other people.

That is why I thought that the description of a covert narcissist fit him to the letter. Of course, one may say that I see him as such because I want to see him as such, but my point is exactly that one finds what one is looking for.

Doesn’t seem that he has too much of a grandiose sense of ego yet.

“Yet” is the key word here. He told me that before his promotion he could not allow himself to be late for work; after it, he didn’t care that much about being on time.

Similarly, he thought he could skip work and leave earlier in order to make the train to that other city where his new love interest lived.

I worked with his supervisor, and he told me that he (the supervisor) didn’t think that high at all about my ex.

You predicted that he would divorced and married you. But he didn’t.

I didn’t “predict.” If I had “predicted,” I would have been telling everybody around me that I was dating him. I guess I was wiser here.

It was just from what I had read and witnessed, I surmised that the probability of him divorcing her and marrying me was very high.

I didn’t know that love and passion in him wouldn’t go steady, at the same high level, forever.

Kind of what I saw in the timeline of his current wife in Facebook. I told you about how he gave her a balloon and a plush toy for two birthdays in a row. There is not a single picture from this year where he explicitly holds her by the hand or hugs her (and no picture of what he gave her for birthday this year – none at all). Of course, it is too early to say, but his body language in the photos is now the same it was when he and I were together and he showed distance from his now exwife. I really wouldn’t be surprised at all if he already has got himself somebody else on the side or is about to. After all, they have been together for over four years now.

It’s not about being special, but about making the choice to commit and work on that commitment or don’t commit and let the relationship fall apart. They had a choice and your ex had a choice.

The key word here is “work on that commitment.” I felt that in my relationship with my ex there was an ingredient of “I’ll show them all what true love looks like.” “Them all” meaning his now ex-wife, his parents (“My parents, he said once kissing me after having talked to them on the phone in my presence, will not accept you at once, but are sure to do so once they get to know you better”), etc. Somehow that desire waned along the way. By the way, last time his now wife posted a lovey-dovey idyllic picture of herself and his parents was three years ago. It is almost as if his desire to prove it all to others starts lacking luster, along with his feelings for the person in question.

Actually, it’s about value. A person can only ‘like’ something for so long and not all the time. Your friend valued motherhood while your aunt valued her career. While they have decided that those situation make them happy, it won’t be happy all the time. There will be problems that they will encountered, but the meaning and value behind choosing being a mother or having a good career is something they chose to value so they can work hard towards it, problems and all. So what’s your value?

I disagree. I can value something, but I can not like it (but maybe still do it, because I value it). Say, I value being able to cook, but no matter how much I would try, my heart is just not in it. I may wake up, feeling empowered and willing to cook something for those I love, and halfway along the way, it gets so much down on me that I cannot stand it any longer. I can hardly finish. But yes, absolutely, being able to cook is a wonderful skill that is both useful (often saves a ton of money!) and attractive in a woman (isn’t the way to a man’s heart through his stomach?)

Where does your belief in ‘forever’ relationships come from?

From where everybody’s belief in “forever” comes from, no matter whether they acknowledge it or not. Fairy-tales read in one’s childhood reinforced by romantic novels (also classic ones!) and films not to mention human dislike of uncertainty.

It is not only my own belief. Not so long ago I was a silent participant in a discussion between my peers, a single girl in her mid-20s and a young man my age (who has been married for a decade and is awaiting his third child). The girl was advocating for marriage contracts, “because people change.” The guy was saying that if you marry, you marry because you want to be with that person “forever.” Exactly like they say – who marries thinking about divorce? (We are not talking about marrying for money here.)

So I am far from being the only one believing (or who used to believe) – wanting to believe would be more appropriate now – in “forever.”

Enjoy the starting holiday fever!