Dear Jen:

Putting your two threads together, you have been in a six year long distance relationship with a man who lives in Amsterdam while you live in the U.S. The two of you have been traveling back and forth every few months. The plan was that you move to Amsterdam and live with him once your son graduates high school and starts college  (Jan 2018: “We make it work by traveling back and forth every few months until my son finishes HS in 2020. I have an EU passport and I was going to move there once my son starts college”).

You shared back in Jan 2018 that he accused you of threatening him with physical violence, an accusation that was a complete fabrication, a lie (“I know I didn’t threaten him, I scrolled up to double check. There is nothing that can even be construed as physical violence”). When you confronted him at the time, about two years ago, with his lie, he “hasn’t responded”, and later, he called you “an ‘idiot’ for asking for proof of threats of violence. He never answered me or provided proof”.

Fast forward two years and your son has six months or so before graduating high school. On your son’s 18th birthday, three weeks ago, he told you that “he’d decided to become a sperm donor.. (for) a friend who lives 500 miles away”. He is 50. You asked him a few questions and he characteristically stonewalled you (characteristic, because you shared before that he was in the habit of giving you the silent treatment), but did tell you that he intend to visit his future child “Every few months”.

My thoughts: I think he lied to you, again. He is either trying to punish you for something and/ or preparing to not have you move to Amsterdam next year, according to the plan you had.

“He was shocked that I wanted to break up”- maybe not, maybe that was his intent, that you break up with him. Or, maybe he just wanted to distress you. He likes to do that every so often, doesn’t he, to upset you?

“when I tell people, I get accused of being ‘possessive’ and ‘jealous'”- I think that you are very sensitive to criticism and that is one reason why you have been with him for so long: he accuses you of things, and even though you know an accusation is untrue, you.. almost believe him anyway. So  no wonder you tend to believe other people’s accusations that you are possessive and jealous.

I personally think the scenario he brought to you and which you told others about, him donating sperm at 50 and planning to visit his future child, is likely a fabrication, a lie. So the whole scenario is in theory. In theory, I don’t think you are possessive or jealous any more than any woman would be  when her boyfriend or husband decides to.. somehow donate his sperm and have a relationship with his future child.

“I feel like I have entered a topsy-turvy alternate reality”- I this so, an alternate reality aka a lie, a fabrication.

I think this man enjoys upsetting you every once in a while, and this is just one of those times. He may be enjoying the idea that you are now upset, and it tickles him that (he thinks) you will be back to him once again, like before.

anita