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Major Boundary Violation or NBD?

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This topic contains 11 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Jen 2 weeks, 4 days ago.

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  • #323529

    Jen
    Participant

    Hello-

    I have had a long distance relationship for 6 years with a man. I can’t, at the moment, move because I have a son who is finishing up his last year of HS.

    My BF and I meet up about 4-5 times a year. We last met up at the end of September and we were planning our next trip before we even parted ways. As I was celebrating my son’s 18th birthday a three weeks ago, he sent me a text saying he’d decided to become a sperm donor. I didn’t respond, because I was shocked and I was trying to celebrate my son’s birthday. Two days later, I finally responded. He said a friend who lives 500 miles away asked him to donate. For starters, he is 50, so I am struggling to see why someone would want sperm from someone who is older. Yes, 50 YO men can still impregnate women, but their sperm quality is diminished by that point. He stonewalled me on vital questions such as “when did this happen?” and “Where did this happen? In a clinic or at home?” I asked him how often he intended to see this child and he said, “Every few months.” So, this isn’t just a “donation.” This is a co-parenting situation in my eyes.

    I have a son and I have given birth, so I know how emotionally profound pregnancy and childbirth are. I had visions of him being at the birth, crying as he holds his child for the first time and I knew for certain, I had to break up. These are things he would be experiencing with another woman, and not me. He was shocked that I wanted to break up. Personally, I’d rather cut out on my terms than be pushed out of the photo 9 months from now.

    But what shocks me is when I tell people, I get accused of being “possessive” and “jealous.” Why is he allowed to do whatever the hell he wants without any judgement, and I break up and I am the bad guy?

    I don’t know, I think a discussion beforehand would have been nice and to drop the bomb on my son’s 18th birthday seemed kind of cruel.

    I don’t even know if she is pregnant and I have asked more than once when the baby is due.

    Am I honestly being unreasonable? I feel like I have entered a topsy-turvy alternate reality.

    #323597

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jen:

    Putting your two threads together, you have been in a six year long distance relationship with a man who lives in Amsterdam while you live in the U.S. The two of you have been traveling back and forth every few months. The plan was that you move to Amsterdam and live with him once your son graduates high school and starts college  (Jan 2018: “We make it work by traveling back and forth every few months until my son finishes HS in 2020. I have an EU passport and I was going to move there once my son starts college”).

    You shared back in Jan 2018 that he accused you of threatening him with physical violence, an accusation that was a complete fabrication, a lie (“I know I didn’t threaten him, I scrolled up to double check. There is nothing that can even be construed as physical violence”). When you confronted him at the time, about two years ago, with his lie, he “hasn’t responded”, and later, he called you “an ‘idiot’ for asking for proof of threats of violence. He never answered me or provided proof”.

    Fast forward two years and your son has six months or so before graduating high school. On your son’s 18th birthday, three weeks ago, he told you that “he’d decided to become a sperm donor.. (for) a friend who lives 500 miles away”. He is 50. You asked him a few questions and he characteristically stonewalled you (characteristic, because you shared before that he was in the habit of giving you the silent treatment), but did tell you that he intend to visit his future child “Every few months”.

    My thoughts: I think he lied to you, again. He is either trying to punish you for something and/ or preparing to not have you move to Amsterdam next year, according to the plan you had.

    “He was shocked that I wanted to break up”- maybe not, maybe that was his intent, that you break up with him. Or, maybe he just wanted to distress you. He likes to do that every so often, doesn’t he, to upset you?

    “when I tell people, I get accused of being ‘possessive’ and ‘jealous'”- I think that you are very sensitive to criticism and that is one reason why you have been with him for so long: he accuses you of things, and even though you know an accusation is untrue, you.. almost believe him anyway. So  no wonder you tend to believe other people’s accusations that you are possessive and jealous.

    I personally think the scenario he brought to you and which you told others about, him donating sperm at 50 and planning to visit his future child, is likely a fabrication, a lie. So the whole scenario is in theory. In theory, I don’t think you are possessive or jealous any more than any woman would be  when her boyfriend or husband decides to.. somehow donate his sperm and have a relationship with his future child.

    “I feel like I have entered a topsy-turvy alternate reality”- I this so, an alternate reality aka a lie, a fabrication.

    I think this man enjoys upsetting you every once in a while, and this is just one of those times. He may be enjoying the idea that you are now upset, and it tickles him that (he thinks) you will be back to him once again, like before.

    anita

     

    #323599

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Jen,

    We are allowed to choose what we are willing to put up with. Are you possessive and jealous? Hell yeah! People say that like it’s a bad thing. I would only condone this if he has truly always wanted kids.

    It sounds like it’s already a done deal. This isn’t some sperm bank (who wouldn’t take his “goods” honestly LOL). This is probably some poor girl who thinks he’s a perfect husband  (I mean “father”) specimen.

    Also, it IS quite a bombshell. I think he was trying to make YOU jealous by saying his sperm is in demand!

    Dump him and find someone local who doesn’t want kids or who has grown ones.

    Best,

    Inky

    #323805

    Jen
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    Thank you very much for replying. I agree with your assessment. I had a heart to heart with a dear friend last night and she gently suggested I see a therapist who specializes in trauma. My mother was physically and emotionally abusive to my brother and me and I think this dynamic is playing out in this relationship. I am on her three month long waiting list, but I am looking for group therapy in the interim.

    Thanks again,

    Jen

    #323807

    Jen
    Participant

    Hi Inky-

    Thanks for laughs. I really needed them.

    He was totally indifferent about having kids. I think this woman asking him for a donation really gave the old ego a boost.

    I did ask him why someone would want sperm from a 50 year old man and he got all offended. It degrades with age, too. There’s a reason banks won’t accept it from men beyond 40.

    I have no idea who has asked him for this. But I hope she is cool with having someone in her life who gives silent treatments, sulks, stonewalls and lies. Because whether she likes it or not, she is TETHERED to him.

    #323821

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jen:

    I can see the connection between having had an emotionally and physically abusive mother (true to my experience as well) and having an unhealthy relationship with a man. I hope somehow you don’t have to wait as long as three months for therapy, and that group therapy is helpful to you.

    Whenever you want to post here about this relationship and/ or your childhood experience with your mother, please do. It will be interesting for me to communicate with another person with a similar childhood experience, and it may be helpful to you.

    anita

    #323901

    Jen
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    The problem with the therapy is she is the only one who specializes in trauma in my insurance network. There are other ones, but they are $180/session, I would be paying OOP.

    Re: my mother. I am very low contact with her. I don’t call her, I don’t take her calls and I don’t respond to her texts. My son and I are flying to my hometown for Thanksgiving next week and I am kind of dreading it, because my mother will be around. I have other family members I’d like to see, but my mother will be there, too. I just “grey rock” around her. I give binary answers, I don’t ask reciprocal questions and I cut the conversation off if I feel like she’s trying to get a rise out of me. It is so much better than the way we used to spend holidays with her. She would create these chaotic, dramatic scenes before dinner and storm out, ruining everyone’s holiday. It’s still exhausting to be around her, because my guard is always up, but much preferable to her dramatic nonsense. I’ve booked a hotel for my son and me, so we’ll have our own physical and mental space.

    But I can start a thread to discuss abusive mothers, if you wish. 🙂

    #323905

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jen:

    You can start a thread discussing abusive mothers if you think it may help you, not because it will be interesting to me. Start a thread on the issue only if you feel the need to explore it further.

    anita

    #323927

    Jen
    Participant

    So, last night, I got an email from an unknown person and it was my ex saying he missed me and was hoping we could continue our relationship. He also said he still wanted to go to Disney World with my son and me in February. I didn’t respond and I blocked that email account, too. He is blocked everywhere.

    I honestly don’t think he understands what having a baby means. I think he was flattered. But he sleeps until 10-11AM and is one of the laziest people I’ve ever known. I think a baby is going to be a shock to his system. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

    This is just me, but if I wanted someone’s sperm, I’d be looking for a young, fit man, not a 50 year old dude who lives on gouda sandwiches and stroopwaffels. Sperm from a 50 y o man has a higher number of DNA errors in it. I wouldn’t want to take that gamble, but it’s not my problem. I did tell him he was probably the absolute, dead last person in her list of potential donors. 😛

    I am regretting not getting out sooner. But this relationship did make me see I need to shore up my boundaries. I let him stomp all over mine over a 6 year period. Now look where I am, cast out in the cold without any warning.

    I don’t know why, but the way he phrased it when he told me struck me as strange. He said, “I don’t need a kid in my life right now, but if some friend 500 miles away wants a kid, better mine than a stranger’s.” You don’t need a kid, but you’ll have one anyway, OK, then.

    And I took my rose colored glasses off and for every “good period” in this relationship, there was a longer period of his “nonsense.” He would create discord where there was none. Ignore me for no reason at all! He would belittle me and when I told him he hurt me, he would tell me it “was just a joke.” He was not the person he was when we met. He was my first “serious” relationship since my husband passed and I felt like he really got me. I spent the entirety of the past six years trying to get back to that place. But that’s not who he is, he was wearing a mask.

    My mother was like this. She would stop talking to me as a child and I would follow her around the house crying and begging her to talk to me. I never knew what mood she was going to be in that day, so I spent my childhood walking on eggshells and trying to be invisible to avoid being a target for her wrath that day. But sometimes, she would be so loving towards me and I would feel so relieved and happy. In this relationship with this man, that is what I had been doing. Making sure how I spoke to him didn’t set him off into some silent treatment/sulk for days on end.  I changed my behaviors to avoid making him angry. I felt like I was living in an iron maiden. But I was living for the good times, and I was so desperate to get to that place we started from.

    I finally told my son we weren’t going to see him anymore and I told him why. He said, “I don’t think you should go back again.”

    So, yes. I’m still carrying baggage around from my childhood many years later.

     

    #323931

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jen:

    “I’m still carrying baggage around from my childhood many years later”- all of us who have been given a heavy  baggage to carry in childhood, we keep carrying it around for years to come, most of us carry most of the baggage for the rest of our lives. Some of us take on the healing path, persist patiently through years and lighten that package over time.

    Not a single person, having a heavy package to carry in childhood, one that includes severe,  ongoing mistreatment, gets to unload it simply because of turning 18, or 28, or 38, or 88.

    anita

     

    #324093

    Britney
    Participant

    I think he is lying. His story doesn’t make sense. Unfortunately it’s more likely that he ended up sleeping with someone who accidentally ended up pregnant. Like you said, why would he want to be in the child’s life if he really was a sperm donor? Not to mention the other concerns you brought up such as his age which is not ideal for sperm donation.

    There doesn’t seem to be many benefits to the relationship. It seems like it’s just a pain and a burden. Not only because of the issues you’ve had with him but the very long distance further puts a huge strain on the relationship. It doesn’t seem worth it at all.

    #324693

    Jen
    Participant

    Hi Britney,

     

    Sorry for the delayed response, I’ve been getting ready for Thanksgiving. This being a “direct donation” did cross my mind early on, but when it comes down to it, it doesn’t matter. The result is an untenable one for me and I’ve not been in contact for nearly three weeks now. He sends me email from strange email accounts, yelling at me for ignoring him. I delete them and block each account.

    I don’t envy this woman having his child. He is emotionally abusive and it’s only a matter of time before his mask slips. The sad part is there will be a child involved.

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