Dear Yarina:

I think it is worth a shot.

Let’s see what you shared about him earlier: he is 27, you met online over a month ago and met in person four times, “a nice guy.. reserved and shy”. He “did not keep conversations going, did not ask questions.. replying once a day with short, generic messages”, told you he “did not want to be intrusive”, but conversations with him did improve. He planned interesting dates, insisted on paying for them, asked you if you got home safe, and once he told you that he missed you. He didn’t initiate physical contact, didn’t flirt with you, didn’t make romantic gestures, “seemed kind of emotionless”. He told you that he cared for you and had romantic feelings for you, but “did not want to be pushy with romantic gestures” but “will improve”. He shared with you that an ex girlfriend cheated on him with two different men, and another ex girlfriend broke off an engagement and told him she never loved him. Later he told you “that he was thinking about the fact that there are so many things about him and his behavior”.

My input today: you wrote in your original post, “he was guilty too”- I don’t see that he did anything wrong at all. It is not a wrongdoing to not express romantic gestures, not if he either doesn’t know you are interested in such or doesn’t know how, or feels uncomfortable doing that. (If a man knows how, feels comfortable with it, knows the woman wants it and withholds it on purpose so to hurt her, that’s a wrongdoing).

As you date, him make sure that you will not be hurting him like the two women he shared about did. It is not his responsibility that one cheated on him and the other lied to him that she loved him and then told him she didn’t (how cruel). It is their fault, and it will your fault too if you hurt him unnecessarily. You know that he is shy and reserved, don’t criticize him for it. Don’t indicate to him that he is inadequate for  not being a confident man.

Focus on his positive qualities and help him improve in areas he needs help with. Show him the romantic gestures you need him to make, walk him through it. Teach him to have an ongoing conversation, asking questions.

If you focus on his positive qualities, and help him improve his weak areas, you will have a great boyfriend. After all, it will be a good thing if he will focus on your positive qualities and help you improve your weak areas.

This is what a healthy, loving relationship is about: focusing on each other’s positive qualities and helping each other become stronger in the weak areas.

I hope to read more from you as this relationship, I hope, progresses well.

anita