Dear Chantel:

You are welcome to show me an example of my writing to you that you think is “in your face”, either in my previous posts to you or in the one to follow. If I know of such, I will consider adjusting my writing to you.

In your recent post you wrote (quotes are a bit polished grammatically for clarity): “Biggest questions is who am I without him? Who am I without my kids… Who am I when I stay home alone and have no  one.. And why the f*** do I deserve to be alone when I’ve sacrificed everything in life to be everything I should be to be better and a good mom. Why me??”

To answer these questions best I can, I re-read all your previous posts in your various threads.

1. “Who am I without him.. without my kids.. when I stay home alone and have no one?”- you are a hurting little girl, hurting because she has loved her father so deeply, so perfectly, so completely, at an early age, and he left her behind, chose to live somewhere else and have another child.

There is nothing more painful than the pain of a child’s broken heart, having been left behind, un-chosen by the parent she loves more than anything in the whole wide world.

(“being really close to my father at a young age and than he leaving and my parents divorcing and him creating his own life having another kid”).

Fast forward: “Anthony would wine and dine me, take me out.. spend all his free time with me, would tell me that he had feelings for me”- this is the little girl’s dream come true, having her father back, spending his time with her again, treating her to nice restaurants.. the little girl has her father back!

You asked about Anthony: “What person treats someone so good but yet is  ok with being without them??”- it is as if you are asking this about your father, why is he okay being without his little girl??

You wrote regarding Anthony: “I feel like someone kicked me in my stomach and took the air out of my chest… I feel this great big weight on  my chest and it’s affecting me in every way”- this is how you felt as a little girl when your father left you behind, this is how a little girl’s broken heart feels like.

As adults, until and unless we become aware of how we felt as children, we keep re-experiencing the same painful emotions that we felt as children.

“I used to think that if two  people loved each other then leaving wasn’t an option and any problem could be worked through, now I’m starting to wonder if that type of love even exists anymore”- you forgot that you already found out that this type of love was lost to you: you loved your father completely, you would never have considered leaving him, but he left you.

I myself re-experienced the pain of my childhood throughout decades of life as an adult. My healing process started in 2011 when I attended my first quality psychotherapy, and it continues this very day. I am experiencing life these very days in a different way from the way I experienced it before, more and more so, with time. I will be glad to share with you more and more about this process of clearing our brain from the pain of the past and experiencing life differently. If you want, we can continue to communicate for this purpose.

2. “Why the f** do I deserve to be alone when I’ve sacrificed everything in life to be everything I should be to be better and a good mom. Why me??”- this is the question the little girl asked when her father left her (and before, when trouble in the home was evident): why me? And that little girl is still asking the same question, many years later, in different circumstances.

The answer is: it just so happened to be you. Just as it just so happened to be me. A random thing. You didn’t deserve it, nothing you did, nothing about the way you look. It was all about who your father was and who your mother was. Children automatically blame themselves, believing it is something about the way we look, something we said or  did wrong.

“I’m in the process of trying to not let my past pain control me anymore. I want to be strong and ‘fixed’. I’m just stumbling to find my path”- you wrote that you can’t afford psychotherapy, that would have been best for you. I will share with you anything I learned in my therapy (2011-2013, I still have handouts and notes) if you would like, but it will take an ongoing communication for some time.

anita