Hey guys,

I am pleasantly surprised to read such great replies. I knew from reading other threads that people here are helpful, but I would like to thank you again for taking your time to read me and share your thoughts so eloquently.

Marge – yes, you are probably right concerning me wallowing in self-pity. Although it comes in waves, some days I just let my depression lull me in a comfortable sadness, and convince myself that this is “just the way it is” and I should just stop trying.
The next day, however, here I am again – hoping for a better tomorrow. I am constantly on the edge, hopping off and on the everlasting merry-go-round which keeps turning but never goes anywhere – and all it does is make me dizzy.

And yes, I probably expect someone to directly or indirectly be the solution to my emotional loneliness. I still have to find an alternative way to fill that void, that constant reminder that my waking up in the morning is only in function of myself, as there is no one waiting for me in the evening. It somehow feels…meaningless.

Therapy is something I am considering. I had been attending counseling sessions in the past, but I felt like they were not really helping so I stopped. As mentioned, I tend to be very hard to sway – for better or worse.

Damian – I understand what you mean about dating apps. And I agree. When I meet someone, it’s because we “matched” already, according to a heart-shaped button we mutually pressed on our mobile phone some days before. Somehow this convinces my brain that it should be a done deal, that we like each other already, and that if I fail it’s because I messed up somehow. It’s all fluff, I am aware of that – rationally. Sadly this is not a rational business.

You mentioned that you are interested in my past relationships. I do not want to bore you with details, but I will give you a brief overview.

I only had two (and, if it matters, I never had any physical relationships with anyone in my life outside of those two girls).

The first lasted about ten years – it started during early university days. I did not initiate it – she did the first move. I felt shocked – as I was the nerdy/edgy outcast who was completely oblivious to anything female-related. I was right in the middle of my dark/metal/nobody understands me phase, torn between a delusional conviction of intellectual superiority and a bitter envy of anyone who was more socially savvy than me (i.e. pretty much everyone else). That meant simply this: I accepted her without thinking twice. Why wouldn’t I? I had nothing to lose and a lot to gain, after all.

Luckily we were quite a great match, and we ended up being together for the following ten years (with our up and downs, as it is normal). Unbeknownst to me, during this time I had become so emotionally dependant on her existence that I set myself up for what was coming.

We moved out of the country together – to find better job opportunities. Shortly after, she decided to end everything after meeting someone else. I don’t know how long this had been going on behind the scenes – I was so oblivious and so sure of her constant presence that I never thought that could happen. It hit me like a lorry transporting lead – my world collapsed. I lost 30kg, started stuffing myself with random meds and alcohol and got close to killing myself. I am not sure how I managed, but somehow I got through it despite having to still be around her (it took months for her to actually leave our home – yes, we were living together even after she started seeing the new guy).

Time passed and I got into online dating, where I found my second girlfriend. Not much to say about this one, it only lasted two years and it was probably bound to fail from the beginning, as it started extremely quickly (same-day quickly) and we simply rushed things too much. We ended up realising we were not compatible after all, and she decided to go her own way. This second breakup was not as painful as the first one, so there’s that.

Both of them, by the way, are now happily engaged with someone else, the first one with kids too.

So yes, maybe my craving for someone is because I need to prove to myself I am worthy of something too. Something that lasts. No matter what.

I had said I would not go into details but I guess I did anyway. Sorry about that.

• This reply was modified 5 years ago by White Desann.
• This reply was modified 5 years ago by White Desann.
• This reply was modified 5 years ago by White Desann.