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White Desann

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  • #325947

    White Desann
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    yes, you are correct – I am impatient. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I feel time is passing by while I remain stuck; I feel like any idle day is a useless day, and the more days pass the less desirable I become. I know it is foolish, and maybe a symptom of the hectic lifestyle I have grown accustomed to (almost as if I have a deadline to achieve happiness) – but I look around me and see others moving forward while I stagnate. It feels like I do not have the luxury to be patient.

    Your mental image is interesting – and while I do consider myself educated and intelligent, I do not think I am particularly gifted; surely not made of precious stones. But the storms are indeed there, and yes, I need to learn how to mitigate them. Thank you for your advice.

    Damien – yes, there is more to that story; I did not want to delve too much into details though. I surely have my downsides, I do not want to claim I am always 100% the best partner ever (I am an INTJ, after all). As a matter of fact, though, my exes always wanted to remain friends with me (which is something I was not able to do, for my own sanity) and stated they still care about me – which tells me that, whatever I did wrong, it was not something that made them utterly despise me.

    Whatever the case, I see your point. As said, maybe I am spoiled – maybe I expect things to always go well, despite reality seldom cooperates. We have all been there, right?
    As for your question, I have thought about it in the past. Clearly, what I need is stability, with someone spontaneous and honest. I need to be able to relax my mind without being in constant fear of being left behind due to every minor mistake. I am always on edge, always double guessing myself and always ruminating. This is evident in my recent dates too – I am not able to accept anything less than perfect behaviour from me, in fear that every little thing can be fatal. “Did I give her the right answer?” “Did I ask the right question at the right time?” “Am I talking too much? Too little? Am I coming across too shy? Too forward? Is this really me talking or the person I want to be?” – you get the idea. I am insecure, in short. And yes, I need to work on that myself, without expecting others to fix that.

     

    I am 34 but I feel like a teenager. Shame on me. This is probably due to pretty much skipping my adolescence, busy reading countless books and play videogames instead of experiencing the wonders of interpersonal drama.

     

    Thanks again for your invaluable help. I will hold your advices dear.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by  White Desann.
    #325817

    White Desann
    Participant

    Hey guys,

     

    I am pleasantly surprised to read such great replies. I knew from reading other threads that people here are helpful, but I would like to thank you again for taking your time to read me and share your thoughts so eloquently.

     

    Marge – yes, you are probably right concerning me wallowing in self-pity. Although it comes in waves, some days I just let my depression lull me in a comfortable sadness, and convince myself that this is “just the way it is” and I should just stop trying.
    The next day, however, here I am again – hoping for a better tomorrow. I am constantly on the edge, hopping off and on the everlasting merry-go-round which keeps turning but never goes anywhere – and all it does is make me dizzy.

    And yes, I probably expect someone to directly or indirectly be the solution to my emotional loneliness. I still have to find an alternative way to fill that void, that constant reminder that my waking up in the morning is only in function of myself, as there is no one waiting for me in the evening. It somehow feels…meaningless.

    Therapy is something I am considering. I had been attending counseling sessions in the past, but I felt like they were not really helping so I stopped. As mentioned, I tend to be very hard to sway – for better or worse.

     

    Damian – I understand what you mean about dating apps. And I agree. When I meet someone, it’s because we “matched” already, according to a heart-shaped button we mutually pressed on our mobile phone some days before. Somehow this convinces my brain that it should be a done deal, that we like each other already, and that if I fail it’s because I messed up somehow. It’s all fluff, I am aware of that – rationally. Sadly this is not a rational business.

    You mentioned that you are interested in my past relationships. I do not want to bore you with details, but I will give you a brief overview.

    I only had two (and, if it matters, I never had any physical relationships with anyone in my life outside of those two girls).

    The first lasted about ten years – it started during early university days. I did not initiate it – she did the first move. I felt shocked – as I was the nerdy/edgy outcast who was completely oblivious to anything female-related. I was right in the middle of my dark/metal/nobody understands me phase, torn between a delusional conviction of intellectual superiority and a bitter envy of anyone who was more socially savvy than me (i.e. pretty much everyone else). That meant simply this: I accepted her without thinking twice. Why wouldn’t I? I had nothing to lose and a lot to gain, after all.

    Luckily we were quite a great match, and we ended up being together for the following ten years (with our up and downs, as it is normal). Unbeknownst to me, during this time I had become so emotionally dependant on her existence that I set myself up for what was coming.

    We moved out of the country together – to find better job opportunities. Shortly after, she decided to end everything after meeting someone else. I don’t know how long this had been going on behind the scenes – I was so oblivious and so sure of her constant presence that I never thought that could happen. It hit me like a lorry transporting lead – my world collapsed. I lost 30kg, started stuffing myself with random meds and alcohol and got close to killing myself. I am not sure how I managed, but somehow I got through it despite having to still be around her (it took months for her to actually leave our home – yes, we were living together even after she started seeing the new guy).

    Time passed and I got into online dating, where I found my second girlfriend. Not much to say about this one, it only lasted two years and it was probably bound to fail from the beginning, as it started extremely quickly (same-day quickly) and we simply rushed things too much. We ended up realising we were not compatible after all, and she decided to go her own way. This second breakup was not as painful as the first one, so there’s that.

    Both of them, by the way, are now happily engaged with someone else, the first one with kids too.

    So yes, maybe my craving for someone is because I need to prove to myself I am worthy of something too. Something that lasts. No matter what.

    I had said I would not go into details but I guess I did anyway. Sorry about that.

     

     

     

     

     

     

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by  White Desann.
    • This reply was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by  White Desann.
    • This reply was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by  White Desann.
    #325755

    White Desann
    Participant

    Hi Anita and Marge,

     

    thanks for your replies. I can see that you are trying to instill some confidence in me, I appreciate that – but I am afraid it’s something really hard to achieve. I am trying to meet people outside of dating apps as well, of course – but London is surprisingly unfriendly when it comes to that: lots of different people, yes, but everyone is always busy doing a million things, running left and right, always on a schedule. It feels like the entire city has already planned ahead its future, and there is little room for an extra person – if that makes sense.

    Dating apps seem the only way to find people who actually want to meet, albeit that is clearly not the case in many scenarios.

    At any rate, re-reading what I wrote yesterday I can see that I jotted that down without thinking much. I was in a bit of a low swing, so I apologise for sounding cringy. Sometimes it happens.

     

    I will keep being myself – I can do nothing else, after all.

    My fear is that myself is not enough – because that’s pretty much what’s been shown to me so far. Maybe that is why I wish I was not myself – wish I could see multiple people at the same time, without being bogged down by useless feelings (which, quite paradoxically, are a hindrance in finding love). I would like to be more ruthless, and I should very well able to be so considering my past – but somehow I am unable to.

     

    Anyway – I am probably just spoiled. Reading what I write, it feels like I am just a kid who can’t handle life. Maybe that is the case – after all, all of these are INCREDIBLY MINOR problems. Maybe I should not have posted here in the first place.

    Still, thanks again.

     

     

     

     

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by  White Desann.
    • This reply was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by  White Desann.
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