Dear anita,

Thank you for the response and thank you for referring back to my original post from a couple of years ago.  I was actually going to delete this post but I didn’t get to it in time.  Also, I’m not even sure that I can delete this after posting it.  I talked things over with my husband and we’re fine now.

While I mostly agree with your response, I don’t agree that I should stop performing music altogether.  Your snap judgment of not being a good enough musician came across as kind of rude and insensitive to be perfectly honest since you don’t really know me or how I play.  The problem is I always ran away from it because I was constantly feared of being judged, and this a profession where people are always judged. I get that.

I never said anything about being a celebrity performer.  When I was much younger, I pretty much wrecked my body and ignored everything outside the music bubble.   I’m extremely rusty now but I worked extremely hard and music is such a part of inner core and soul. It sounds extremely selfish to you but I’ve tried doing the typical 9-5 and I can’t give up on making music with people.  I’ve tried and my inner soul is so depressed that I can’t perform in front of people.  Yet, I’ve been terrified of it all this time that I’ve been frozen.  Those years I couldn’t do anything because I was sick I’m actually grateful for now because it has taught me that I don’t have to do things that others think I should do because they want me to do things according to their way.  And yes, if you’ve lived here for a while, I think you would be bored of teaching English as well.  It’s not a passion of mine and I don’t wish to continue doing it.  Now, my jobs haven’t been that great because people can tell that I’m not that into it and came here to teach music but the opportunity didn’t arise.

My original dream was to be able to perform music in Japan and play use music as a cultural bridge.  The problem was I kept running into situations where those opportunities kept being lifted out from under me.  I wanted to teach kids music and suddenly I wasn’t allowed to do it.  I had performance opportunities but it didn’t lead to anywhere.  So, now I think it’s possibly because I need to do things for myself.  I’ve had mental blocks and a lack of confidence has been inside me for years because I didn’t play for me.  I was playing to fulfill other people’s expectations.  I now really just want to go back to that dream in ways that I can achieve it and face my own inadequacies.  I’m so used to being in a musical community to some capacity that I am finding things extremely difficult without having any of those things around me, and it’s frustrating the hell out of me.  So now, moving out to the country side, I still need a job because we’re financially not stable, but I’m seriously considering teaching piano because I think that’s where I’m being called to.  I am terrified of this whole process but I think I’m being directed in that way.

And yes, I understand that you’re judging me because of the egotistical aspect of performing, but I really feel my soul’s purpose is to be a performer in some capacity, but I haven’t realized what that is yet.  It’s not necessarily a bad thing to be a performer.  I love being able to move people’s emotions.  However, when I was a student, I did have bad habits and was constantly stressed about not feeling good enough.  I still hold those emotions really tightly to the point where it has caused me to be stuck between stopping and going and letting people see my mistakes.  Now, I need to learn how to get over myself and just do it but I haven’t been able to.