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  • #325927

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    Dear anita,

    Thank you for the response and thank you for referring back to my original post from a couple of years ago.  I was actually going to delete this post but I didn’t get to it in time.  Also, I’m not even sure that I can delete this after posting it.  I talked things over with my husband and we’re fine now.

    While I mostly agree with your response, I don’t agree that I should stop performing music altogether.  Your snap judgment of not being a good enough musician came across as kind of rude and insensitive to be perfectly honest since you don’t really know me or how I play.  The problem is I always ran away from it because I was constantly feared of being judged, and this a profession where people are always judged. I get that.

    I never said anything about being a celebrity performer.  When I was much younger, I pretty much wrecked my body and ignored everything outside the music bubble.   I’m extremely rusty now but I worked extremely hard and music is such a part of inner core and soul. It sounds extremely selfish to you but I’ve tried doing the typical 9-5 and I can’t give up on making music with people.  I’ve tried and my inner soul is so depressed that I can’t perform in front of people.  Yet, I’ve been terrified of it all this time that I’ve been frozen.  Those years I couldn’t do anything because I was sick I’m actually grateful for now because it has taught me that I don’t have to do things that others think I should do because they want me to do things according to their way.  And yes, if you’ve lived here for a while, I think you would be bored of teaching English as well.  It’s not a passion of mine and I don’t wish to continue doing it.  Now, my jobs haven’t been that great because people can tell that I’m not that into it and came here to teach music but the opportunity didn’t arise.

    My original dream was to be able to perform music in Japan and play use music as a cultural bridge.  The problem was I kept running into situations where those opportunities kept being lifted out from under me.  I wanted to teach kids music and suddenly I wasn’t allowed to do it.  I had performance opportunities but it didn’t lead to anywhere.  So, now I think it’s possibly because I need to do things for myself.  I’ve had mental blocks and a lack of confidence has been inside me for years because I didn’t play for me.  I was playing to fulfill other people’s expectations.  I now really just want to go back to that dream in ways that I can achieve it and face my own inadequacies.  I’m so used to being in a musical community to some capacity that I am finding things extremely difficult without having any of those things around me, and it’s frustrating the hell out of me.  So now, moving out to the country side, I still need a job because we’re financially not stable, but I’m seriously considering teaching piano because I think that’s where I’m being called to.  I am terrified of this whole process but I think I’m being directed in that way.

    And yes, I understand that you’re judging me because of the egotistical aspect of performing, but I really feel my soul’s purpose is to be a performer in some capacity, but I haven’t realized what that is yet.  It’s not necessarily a bad thing to be a performer.  I love being able to move people’s emotions.  However, when I was a student, I did have bad habits and was constantly stressed about not feeling good enough.  I still hold those emotions really tightly to the point where it has caused me to be stuck between stopping and going and letting people see my mistakes.  Now, I need to learn how to get over myself and just do it but I haven’t been able to.

     

    #106854

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    Inky and Kat. Thank you for your responses. My naturopath has me covered on the vitamin front. I have been taking Pantothenic Acid (Vitamin B5), a food-grade multi-vitamin, zinc carnosine, and zinc. For Vitamin D, it’s actually better to absorb it from the sun. My naturopath wants me to go out before my sunblock takes effect and make sure I get some color. I’m super pale, by the way so it’s a completely new way of thinking for me. Eventually, the plan is for me to keep adding new foods back into my diet so that I don’t need as much help with the vitamin supplementation. For vitamin B-complex, I found that Nutritional Yeast from the brand Barg’s to be really helpful. I am really relaxed whenever I eat it over soup. Overall, I have gotten to be a lot more energetic and I even tried out a muay thai kickboxing class that I’m thinking of joining that gym.

    The only thing I have trouble with now is learning how to overcome my anxiety triggers. For example, that exam that I want to attempt but the thought of being conquered by it yet again sends my heart racing.

    Inky, I’ve been told that I would be a good teacher by a couple of people. There were a couple times when I failed miserably at teaching in college and when I took a CELTA course, but I learned from those times and realized not everyone is going to have the same expectations of me. I did pass my CELTA, by the way but I was so scarred for a couple years after I took that course. I don’t feel like I’m ready for teaching piano yet. I felt like I ended up learning piano really fast that I didn’t focus on the basics. I’m currently taking lessons to try and get myself in playing mode. However, I’m willing to just take on casual students and see where that goes. Actually, I’m not sure I even want to teach piano, but I really want to see if I can start over in Japan while I’m still in my 20’s. In my heart and gut, I feel like I’m meant to go back to Japan for a while. My mother felt my going to Japan was a terrible idea and it set me back a few years in terms of job, but in a way I felt like it was meant to happen that way so I would be forced to look at all the unhealthy issues in my life at the time. Of course living there wasn’t perfect, but I felt like I was starting to come into my own felt my introverted personality fit in really well there. I have a lot of friends who have told me that they’re waiting for me to come back. I am finally having a social life after months of being at home and going on dates. I’m not saying that I want to give up the piano but I feel a call to try other things besides staying at home hours a day practicing. I think I want to try my hand at teaching English to little kids in Japan for a while and then maybe go back to school for piano pedagogy certification. I am toying with the idea to eventually get my teaching certification in piano pedagogy in Japan eventually but I’m not a 100% sure yet. I also need to think about if or when I come back to the US and what I would do for work then.
    I think for right now I just need to learn how to deal with my triggers first so I’m not a total mess when I get these anxiety attacks.

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