Dear noname:

Retraining the brain is a very difficult task. It is something that of all living things, only humans can do, and few do that. It is an act of intentional creation, vs. the automatic reaction all animals and most humans do much of the time. It takes a dedication and relentless practice over time, throughout good days and bad days,  moment by moment, day by day. It is exhausting!

It is taking the moment at hand, this very Now, and slowing down the rush, the rush to run away, the rush to feel better, the rush.. to React. And instead, Create.

I think that when people go to therapy, when they make some progress and Create some, they stop and say to themselves (not in these words): I created enough, it was tough, exhausting. I made enough progress, so it is time to stop this hard work and relax.

Over time, I found out that the relaxing while creating is very different from the relaxing in-between periods of unpleasant reacting. The latter is quick, we bring it about any which way (in your case: the cutting, the weed, the quick sex, mountain biking, etc.) The former is different- way less satisfying, I am sorry to report.

I will try to explain this point: the relaxing in-between periods of unpleasant reacting, in the context of a mostly unpleasant, dysfunctional life- those, I remember, were euphoric. My daydreaming as a teenager, I lived in a movie every day, fascinating. And otherwise, those breaks had a taste of heaven. Fast forward, as I relax now- no euphoria, no heaven (but what a relief it is to not experience hell either).

I thought about you, by the way, about a week ago while I visited a local taproom. The server, I realized then, was exactly your age. I looked at her and realized how young you are! I had a visual, a feeling of how young indeed you are. It is amazing and sad how miserable you have been for so long, being so young. But I was too, miserable with occasional heavenly breaks.

anita