Dear Lily:

You are welcome. Your answers to my questions about how he loved you, what work did he do for you and in what ways he helped you are:

– he spoke (or typed) to you, saying  I-love-you, telling you that you are a good person, telling you about his future plans. And he very often talked on the phone with other people while being with you; when you expressed to him that it bothers you, he dismissed you. You messaged him at times and he didn’t answer you for days, and didn’t explain to you why. When you told him at one point that you are upset that he doesn’t contact  you or answer your messages and therefore you want no  contact, he then called you more often. At one time he told you that he wants to go to a café with you or cook food for you (but didn’t).

– he held you tight all night when he slept with you at your place, in your bed. At other times, he held your hand. He didn’t have any time for you on weekends, and one time he suggested to come to your place at 2am to spend the night after he concluded a night out, not with you, but with his friends. When you offered him to visit him in his city, he told you that he doesn’t want you to. When you asked him to stop during sex, he stopped.

My input: he is definitely better than a rapist (man in the dormitory) for stopping the sexual act when you asked him to stop. On the other hand, if I understand and remember correctly, he never took you on a date. He never had you visit him where he lives, refusing your suggestion to visit him. The only time he spent with you was overnight in your place, sleeping in your bed, having some kind of sex with you every time. Other than that, he spent very little time with you online, on the phone and in person. And during the little time he did spend with you in your place, overnight, he spend much of that time talking on the phone with other people. And one time he offered to spend overnight with you after going out with.. other people.

Here is #1 lesson: do not spend overnight with a man you haven’t yet gone on a date with, and/ or a man who doesn’t regularly call you or one who doesn’t answer your messages for  days. Doesn’t matter why there were no dates, and why he doesn’t answer you (doesn’t matter if you think it is somehow your fault), as long as this is the case- no overnight stays, no sex.

Regarding him telling you about his future plans, holding your hand at times and holding you tight at night- I am sure it felt nice. But notice this (my purpose is not to cause you to feel badly about the following, but to consider reality, and over time, seeing reality as is makes us feel and function better): some men who go to prostitutes, do  so not to have sex, but to talk about themselves. They pay the prostitute just for that. Some men will pay a prostitute just so to hold her tight. And yet, after telling her about their lives, most intimate things, and holding her tight, they pay her and go about their lives, knowing that the prostitute they just paid, has other customers that will be there for sex.

You wrote: “But maybe I am the problem there too, because I always need reassurance from others.. Maybe I am just too difficult, with all my worries… I know that I am not so easy person to deal  with”- I agree. But it doesn’t change the fact that this man, K, was not a good, decent man. Because you are indeed difficult, it doesn’t mean that everyone else are easy and good. Try to separate the two items here: you and the other person, particularly, the man. Back to lesson 1: don’t have sex with a man before he takes you on a few dates and before you wait a few weeks to see if he contacts you regularly, and you will easily avoid this way having sex with a man who is not good and decent.

Regarding you being difficult, it is not that you are a bad communicator that makes you difficult in my experience. What makes you difficult to endure is that you feel guilty for everything! That is crazy making for me, at times, it is like witnessing a person with a whip, repeatedly whipping themselves and drawing blood, figuratively speaking. It is not fun!

But I am okay with continuing to communicate with you because you have been getting better, gradually,  for a long time by this point and it  is encouraging to witness that.

anita