Dear Clara:

You had a one year relationship with a man. There were no arguments or any sign of trouble before he broke up with you stating: “You knew that it wasn’t going to work out”. A few weeks later, as you went to his place to collect your things, he apologized to you profusely, telling you that he really missed you, and that he wanted to “talk soon about things”. A bit later, he sent you a message that he had a girlfriend.

Following that, in the small town you all live, you saw him and his girlfriend “all loved up  for months”. Some time later, you and him happened to be at the same place, he told you that he was still in love with you, that he missed you so much, that he wanted out of the relationship with his current girlfriend “but didn’t know how to get out of” if. The two of you got drunk at that time, and “ended up sleeping together”.

A few days later, you told his girlfriend about what happened and she told you that “she had suspicions that he had been cheating with other girls”. She thanked you and suggested “to continue the conversation at some other point”. She then confronted him, and he convinced her that you seduced him, that he “had no recollection of anything”, that he never told you that he missed you and was still in love with you, and so forth. They are back together and his message to you, to her (and maybe to other concerned individuals) is that you are “the deranged one”.

My input: I believe that you did the right thing for this woman when you told her. You did the socially responsible thing to do, giving her the opportunity to make an informed decision regarding her relationship, informed by you. She then squandered the opportunity, something we all do at times, not taking advantage of opportunities for a better life.

You suffer a negative consequence for having done the right thing, which is why women in your position often choose to not say anything. The negative consequence doesn’t change the fact that you did the right thing by this woman.

“How to stop feeling hatred towards the ex?”- you can imagine his trouble when he decides that it is time for him to end his current relationship with his current girlfriend. How is he going to manage that, to end it without her figuring: so he was the bad guy after all!

For as long as you have no contact with him, or with his girlfriend (none, after that one conversation you mentioned), and for as long as you don’t talk about him or her to  anyone who might relay such talk to any one of them, he will not be able to blame you for choosing to end the relationship with her. And if he tries to stay with her just so to  not look bad, he will feel  very trapped. So how will he break up with her without looking as bad as she already knows that he is?

I don’t know, but this will be very unpleasant for him, and so, he is very likely to suffer the consequences of his actions, it is just a matter of time.

Does this help any?

anita