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How to stop feeling hatred towards the ex?

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This topic contains 5 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Valora 1 month, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #326519

    Clara
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    It’s  my first time posting. I came here because I like the insightful advice given. I’ll try to keep it brief.

    I was together with a man for about a year. It had been a long time since I had had a boyfriend, and I was deeply in love with him. About a year ago, he broke up with me suddenly, saying “You knew that it wasn’t going to work out”. I was devastated, as there hadn’t been any arguments, or anything leading to the break-up (in my mind).

    Some weeks passed, and after having not really spoken to him, I decided I was ready to go see him, and collect my things. He apologized profusely for hurting me, and said he really missed me. The next day he sent me a message saying he wanted to talk soon about things. We were in touch a bit, until, about a week later, he wrote me a message saying he had a girlfriend(!).

    I’m not sure at what point he got the girlfriend, although he denies having her when he was telling me he missed me. We live in a small town, so I was forced to see them all loved up for months. I did my best to ignore him. When I felt like I was over it, we started speaking here and there, mainly if we ran into each other. He sent me some messages here and there, saying that he missed  me, or how great I looked (still while with this girl).

    A month or so ago, we were in the same place as one another. One drunken thing led to another, and we ended up sleeping together. I’m not proud of this. I am very much against sleeping with someone’s SO. But it happened. Also that night, he told me he was still in love with me, missed me so much, but didn’t know how to get out of his relationship with this girl. I told him I didn’t have feelings anymore, and drunken sex does not make a reconciliation.

    I know the girl he is with. I wouldn’t say we are friends, but we have close mutual friends. After thinking about it for a few days, I decided to tell her what went on. If it just had been drunken sex, I wouldn’t have said anything. I know it sounds strange after I slept with her boyfriend, but I put myself in her shoes. She has put him on a pedestal, just like I had. He’s going around telling his exes that he is still in love with them, and she has no clue. I didn’t expect her to believe me, but she did. In fact, she said she had suspicions that he had been cheating with other girls. She thanked me, and wanted to continue the conversation at some other point.

    That point never came, because they got back together. He ended up having to confess about the drunken one night, although saying I “seduced” him and he had no recollection of anything (right). He flat out lied about having ever told me he missed me, or that he was still in love with me. He convinced her it was the other way around, that I was still in love with him. Then he used every opportunity to be all over her in front of me, almost to say “I won”.

    I never expected them to break up after what I had told her. It’s hard to believe that the person you love is a lying scumbag. And I told her that. But I also told her that I was once where she is, putting him at such a high place, and he REALLY doesn’t deserve to be there. My issue now, as petty as it sounds, is I can’t stop feeling this hatred towards him for lying, and getting away with lying. He’s become the perfect boyfriend, to show everyone that he couldn’t possibly be a liar, and that I am the deranged one. I’m not as shocked by his behaviour as I am about how disgusted I am. I want to go back to a place where his lies- or any of his actions- don’t affect me.

    Any advice is much appreciated. I would also appreciate putting judgement aside, as I know it wasn’t right for me to sleep with someone’s boyfriend. Thank you!

     

    #326587

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Clara:

    You had a one year relationship with a man. There were no arguments or any sign of trouble before he broke up with you stating: “You knew that it wasn’t going to work out”. A few weeks later, as you went to his place to collect your things, he apologized to you profusely, telling you that he really missed you, and that he wanted to “talk soon about things”. A bit later, he sent you a message that he had a girlfriend.

    Following that, in the small town you all live, you saw him and his girlfriend “all loved up  for months”. Some time later, you and him happened to be at the same place, he told you that he was still in love with you, that he missed you so much, that he wanted out of the relationship with his current girlfriend “but didn’t know how to get out of” if. The two of you got drunk at that time, and “ended up sleeping together”.

    A few days later, you told his girlfriend about what happened and she told you that “she had suspicions that he had been cheating with other girls”. She thanked you and suggested “to continue the conversation at some other point”. She then confronted him, and he convinced her that you seduced him, that he “had no recollection of anything”, that he never told you that he missed you and was still in love with you, and so forth. They are back together and his message to you, to her (and maybe to other concerned individuals) is that you are “the deranged one”.

    My input: I believe that you did the right thing for this woman when you told her. You did the socially responsible thing to do, giving her the opportunity to make an informed decision regarding her relationship, informed by you. She then squandered the opportunity, something we all do at times, not taking advantage of opportunities for a better life.

    You suffer a negative consequence for having done the right thing, which is why women in your position often choose to not say anything. The negative consequence doesn’t change the fact that you did the right thing by this woman.

    “How to stop feeling hatred towards the ex?”- you can imagine his trouble when he decides that it is time for him to end his current relationship with his current girlfriend. How is he going to manage that, to end it without her figuring: so he was the bad guy after all!

    For as long as you have no contact with him, or with his girlfriend (none, after that one conversation you mentioned), and for as long as you don’t talk about him or her to  anyone who might relay such talk to any one of them, he will not be able to blame you for choosing to end the relationship with her. And if he tries to stay with her just so to  not look bad, he will feel  very trapped. So how will he break up with her without looking as bad as she already knows that he is?

    I don’t know, but this will be very unpleasant for him, and so, he is very likely to suffer the consequences of his actions, it is just a matter of time.

    Does this help any?

    anita

     

    #326645

    Valora
    Participant

    My issue now, as petty as it sounds, is I can’t stop feeling this hatred towards him for lying, and getting away with lying. He’s become the perfect boyfriend, to show everyone that he couldn’t possibly be a liar, and that I am the deranged one. I’m not as shocked by his behaviour as I am about how disgusted I am. I want to go back to a place where his lies- or any of his actions- don’t affect me.

    I think your anger/hatred/disgust is justified in this case, as he has definitely done things to deserve that reaction. I’ve learned, though, that it helps to get rid of anger by looking at all of the possible sources.  For instance, I was really mad at my ex for a long time because of the things he did after he ended our relationship, and, like you, I didn’t want to waste the energy on being mad at him and couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t just let it go. So I started digging deeper for other reasons why I may be so angry and realized I was actually more angry with myself. Sometimes we can get mad at ourselves without realizing it when someone makes us feel like a fool or drags us into drama that we don’t want to be involved in, and our anger for the other person can sort of hide this anger we have for ourselves, so if you dig deeper and realize you’re angry with yourself for your part in getting into the drama… and we can even be mad at ourselves for irrational things we couldn’t possibly have known the result of beforehand, like being mad at yourself for ever dating him in the first place… if you figure out exactly what you’re angry about when it comes to your part in things and you can forgive yourself, especially if there is a lesson there you can learn so you don’t find yourself in that situation again if possible… I’ve found that lessens quite a bit of the anger.

    The rest of the anger you feel for him will lessen over time. You just have to sort of feel it when it comes and let it pass on through. As time passes, thinking of it will upset you less and less.

    As for him and his girlfriend, I would do your best to just detach from them and their situation completely. You did your part in telling her what he did, and I think it was a good thing for you to tell her because she deserved to know, especially since it had been an ongoing thing of him saying he missed you while he was with her. She is the one who then chose to eventually disregard when you said. That will likely blow up in her face later on, and that will be her fault and something she’ll need to come to terms with then. He may be acting perfect now, but he is very clearly not perfect, so he will only be able to keep up the act for so long. Please rest assured of that.

    So in order to get back to that place where his lies and actions don’t affect you, cut him (and her) out of your life completely, don’t let them back in, and then just give yourself time to heal, be patient with your feelings, and the anger will eventually dissipate.

    #326657

    Clara
    Participant

    Thank you Anita and Valora for your responses! I already feel much better.

    #326671

    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Clara. Post again anytime.

    anita

    #326721

    Valora
    Participant

    You’re welcome, Clara! I’m glad you’re feeling better!

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