Dear Joy,

Dear Jonna,

Thank you for your friendly and supportive replies. I was moved reading them.

About the alcoholism: It’s funny but I never realised it was this big an issue with him. We always drank together. He used to say he can never understand how much is too much or when he crosses the line but I had never witnessed it before. I was always worried about his other problems like depression, job issues, weed use etc. but not alcohol that much. Maybe it’s because (now I’m playing freud here)  when I was growing up my mum would become edgy and passive aggressive to my father everytime he drank and I went along with her and took her side.  And maybe later in life I now subconsciously try to make it up and turn a blind eye over drinking.  It is also funny that you say “alcoholism is a disease of selfishness”. I never ever thought he was selfish before but just the opposite. But in our last texts I told him it was too selfish of him to say that he doesn’t want to change for anyone, because I thought once you are in a relationship with someone you both change, willingly or otherwise. But it still did not dawn on me that these were the words of an alcoholic as you put it. I thought he was talking about settling down etc..

Anyways, these are his problems, I tried my best to be his companion but you can’t really help someone unless they want you to.

About my side of the story: I wanted someone in my life, an intimate connection.  Now reading some of my earlier messages to him, I see that I always had to ask for his attention and maybe I sometimes sounded clingy. He never really was compassionate or understanding. He was mostly self-absorbed. When I told him on our last conversation that I feel he didn’t put much effort in this relationship, he said ” you keep telling me this but I constantly came to see you from another city for 2 years!” He thinks just being present next to me is enough effort on his part. I felt sad in the beginning but now I also feel angry because of his childish ways and not taking any kind of responsibility, and not  being there for me despite all the love and understanding I gave him. I knew all along that we were not the perfect match, but I loved his goodwill, and my emotional needs got the best of me and I kept trying. It’s our second breakup now. If we really broke up the first time, I would blame myself that I left him alone with his problems. Now this is not the case anymore. Now I feel like he was not there for me.

I still can’t stay I’m completely over him but I feel much more ok everyday. Thank you again,

love,