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Weird breakup story

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This topic contains 13 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 month, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #326107

    loveandkisseszaphod
    Participant

    Hello all,

    I’ve come across this forum and just registered to get my story off my chest. Sorry if it’s a lengthy novel though, I’ll try to keep it simple 🙂 I (41) recently broke up with my boyfriend (36) of over two years. We live in different cities, he kind of works freelance so he stays at my place about maybe half the month when he has a job in the city or when he visits me.

    The last argument started like this: We went to his boss’s wedding, He got too drunk there and we left early and I dragged him home. Then I slept in the other room because he was too drunk to move and leave me some space in the bed. In the morning he came to me, started asking questions about how much he drank, when we left etc.. I started nagging about his overly drunk night and how I was disappointed about the end of  it, having to take care of him and all …then he told me that something worse happened and that he wet the bed :/ I ran to my bedroom, apparently he tried to clean it up a little but left it like that. I was only surprised in the beginning but got angry when I came back and saw that he went on sleeping in the guest room like nothing happened. I didn’t know what to do, tried to wake him up several times to ask for help, to ask about what happened but he mumbled and didn’t want to get up. Then I lost it and asked him to leave, to go to his office where some of his friends were staying if he wanted to sleep. He then packed all of his stuff and stormed out. That’s the end of it.

    I was expecting him to call and apologise and I was ready to leave it behind if he called. But he didn’t. After a week of no contact I called him to find out that he can’t stomach the fact that I kicked him out of the house for an incident that he had almost no control over. I told him I did not mean to kick him out of the house for good nor insult him, but I wanted to be left alone because he seemed not to care and wanted to sleep. Then he asked me if that was the case why I did not stop him while he was packing everything and I told him I was angry and I just didn’t. During that phonecall he admits he has a drinking problem, he says he never hid it from me and that’s the way he is. He is not ashamed of that night, because shit happens. He would not treat me like that if it happened to me and I certainly overreacted and all his friends that were at the office that day agree.

    A few days later he texted me that he wanted to breakup. He said that I have expectations about him and I try to change him. He doesn’t want to change for anyone, he doesn’t want anything from life. The problem is not only his drinking problem but his lack of lust for life. He loves me, but not as much as I love him. He doesn’t want to come up to me one day and say that he is in love with someone else. He says if we don’t break up now, it will be devastating later.

    This is the story. So, it seems like it’s all clear and there’s not much to think about or try to sort out ??  But no, it’s been a month and I’ve been obsessing about all these and thinking and thinking… I want to move on but I kind of got stuck. Did I act too harshly over nothing? How could someone so depressed think he could fall in love with someone else? When I am in a relationship am I being too bossy? Did I overreact to a stupid mistake and lose a naive partner?

    What do you think?

    #326149

    anita
    Participant

    Dear loveandkisseszaphod:

    There is one detail that is very, very important but you didn’t mention it: did he offer to pay for a new mattress, did he order a new mattress for you so to replace the one he destroyed?

    He told you that “he can’t stomach the fact that I kicked him out of the house for an incident that he had almost no control over”-

    – but did he do the basic, decent thing that he did have control over = order you a new mattress of the same or better quality than the one he destroyed?

    anita

     

     

    #326155

    loveandkisseszaphod
    Participant

    Dear Anita,I know that he can not afford a mattress, but he didn’t even ask.I told him on the phone that I ordered a new one, he just said fine.
    He basically did nothing to make amends. He usually doesn’t know what to do in certain situations or he simply doesn’t care.

    I wouldn’t care too much if he sincerely apologised though.

    However I feel really sad and lonely now. And I have a hard time with this stupid ending.

     

     

    #326157

    loveandkisseszaphod
    Participant

    Dear Anita,I know that he can not afford a mattress, but he didn’t even ask.I told him on the phone that I ordered a new one, he just said fine.
    He basically did nothing to make amends. He usually doesn’t know what to do in certain situations or he simply doesn’t care.

    I wouldn’t care too much about the matress if he sincerely apologised though.

    However I feel really sad and lonely now. And I have a hard time with this stupid ending.

     

     

    #326159

    anita
    Participant

    Dear lovesandkisseszaphod:

    Let’s look at what you shared: you are 41, he is 36, in relationship (ended a month ag0) for over two years. He “kind of works freelance”, but cannot afford buying a mattress. He stayed in your place a lot because he lives away and kind of works in your city.

    Not long ago, the two of you attended his boss’s wedding. He got drunk there, you “dragged him home”, your  home, that is. You left him sleeping in your bedroom while you slept in another bed. He urinated in your bed, and once aware that he did, he “went on sleeping in the guest room like nothing happened”. You told him to leave and he “stormed out”. After a week  of no  contact, you called him and he told you that he is upset that you kicked him out over him urinating in your bed.

    By this point he never sincerely apologized, nor did he offer to replace the mattress he destroyed. You told him that you ordered a new mattress, and “he just said fine”. He did tell you that “he is not ashamed of that night, because s*** happens”.

    A few days later he texted you that he wanted a breakup, telling you that you want to change him and that he “doesn’t want to change for anyone”. A month later, you feel “sad and lonely”, questioning if you acted with him “too harshly over nothing?.. am I being too  bossy? Did I overreact to a stupid mistake and lose a naïve partner”?

    My answer: a “naïve partner’s urine smells as badly as a savvy partner’s urine. You can’t sleep on a mattress that was soaked with urine no matter who urinated on it. So it needs to be replaced. The fact that he didn’t offer to buy you a new mattress, be it on credit (if he can’t afford cash) is appalling.

    Urine smells bad, and so does the character of a man who urinates on a woman’s mattress and doesn’t take responsibility for it by replacing it. I don’t need to know anything more about him to figure that his character (or lack of) smells badly.

    If his philosophy of life is that he is neither ashamed nor responsible for things because “sh** happens”, then what is the next sh** that he will not be responsible for?

    That leaves you with a lot of sh** to clean up after him lifetime, if you were to resume a relationship with him, doesn’t it?

    anita

     

     

     

    #326163

    Valora
    Participant

    I agree with Anita. It’s appalling that he didn’t at least offer to pay you back, even just a little at a time, for the mattress that you had to go buy AND the fact that he seems like it should be no big deal and that you should’ve just brushed it off basically without apology or him trying to make it up to you.  This is bigger than him just peeing on a mattress and you “overracting.”  This is a lack of respect and decency on his part and shows how irresponsible he is. He didn’t show you any understanding at all, even after he sobered up.  I get what it’s like to not be able to afford to replace things, but there are other ways to make it up… run errands for you, do extra chores to make things easier on you for a while, do a few extra jobs to make spare money or sell some things and then pay you back. He should have apologized very sincerely. He put zero effort into any of that and instead complained to his friends who, of course, all agreed because they are probably alcoholics as well.

    I feel like you’re feeling bad right now because it’s essentially a new break up, you dated for 2 years so you have an attachment to this man, and it’s going to take some time for you to detach, and that process always feels pretty bad. After that, though, you’ll likely view this situation clearly and be thankful it ended.

    #326177

    loveandkisseszaphod
    Participant

    Dear Anita, Dear Valora,

    Thank you so much for your insight and your words that I needed to hear. I appreciate it truly. Also writing things down cleared my head a little, and I feel more grounded.

    Having known him for quite some time, I know he lacks responsibility, decency and ambition but I kind of thought it’s because he has a more difficult life than mine.Maybe I tend to make up excuses for him, because I just needed someone that I felt comfortable with and he was available and easygoing. When we met, I was in therapy trying to figure out why I had no relations with any man for over 6-7 years, he was taking care of his mother who was going through a heavy cancer treatment. That’s why he lived in his hometown not here. He then lost his mother. He is in debt but he works on and off because he is in the movie production business and he works only when this guy he knows decides to shoot a film.

    But, of course I have my own needs and I need more attention and more respect than what he could provide me. We had some conflicts over the time because of these basic differences in our ways of life but maybe we needed a push like this to go our seperate ways.

     

     

    #326185

    anita
    Participant

    Dear loveandkisseszaphod:

    You are welcome.

    “he has a more difficult life then mine…  he was taking care of his mother who was going through a heavy cancer treatment.. He then lost his mother. He is in debt” – I feel empathy for him but it doesn’t change the basic requirement of decency. He should not have left you with a urine soaked mattress and tell you “sh** (or pee, really) happens”.

    “I had no relations with any man for over 6-7 years”.. “I just needed someone that I felt comfortable with and he was available and easygoing”- understandable. But it is not too much to ask for available, easygoing, and exercising minimal, basic personal responsibility.

    Post again anytime.

    anita

     

    #326353

    Joy
    Participant

    Dear loveandkisseszaphod,

    You have dodged a pretty big bullet here.  Alcoholism is a disease of selfishness.  I was married to one for 20 years…it does not get better, it gets worse, until you are eventually dealing with jails, hospitals and financial hardships.  He didn’t treat you well, including getting wasted at the event, the mattress and the breakup call.

    He does not want to change, which guarantees his future is going to hold some pretty big lessons.  Be glad you are not going to have to clean up the many messes.  You deserve so much more!

     

    #326523

    Jonna
    Participant

    <p class=”p3″>Dear loveandkisseszaphod,</p>
    <p class=”p3″>I will start by tuning in with some of the other users above by saying that you deserve more. The break up story itself, whether its a weird one or not (I think not) doesn’t matter. The mattress doesn’t matter. Whether he has reasons for behaving like he did doesn’t matter! What matters is that you respect yourself and put limits. And you did! You are a brave and loving person and I have faith in you. Congratulations for showing up for yourself, because many would not be able to.

    </p>
    <p class=”p3″>To be more specific, I want to emphasise the following: You did NOT overreact. On a side not, one could ask who was overreacting; You, for wanting some peace, or he, for braking up because you wanted some peace? Anyway, none of you overreacted. You “kicking” him out was NOT an act against him, but rather, it was you responding to your needs! You know it’s true. And wether or not he realises that doesn’t matter. Whether his friends and colleagues understands that DOESN’T MATTER. Because YOU know the truth of your actions! You know that it was an act of love for yourself. In his case, the guilt and shame he feels from behaving the way he did makes him feel awful, so he turns to his friends and colleagues to seek validation to proof that he’s a good person (everyone want so be a good person). Further, the lack of self-love required to forgive himself, prevents him from being able to continue being with you in this stage of live. In the meantime, if you can: Practice acceptance with being misunderstood. You reacted in response to your needs and that is called self love and I’m so f* proud of you <3</p>
    <p class=”p3″>
    From what I read, I interpret you as a reflective person who want to become a better person, and you have strong sense of empathy. This makes you sensitive to his point of view and you can understand where he’s coming from and you see his beautiful sides. Because I am sure he is wonderful too! But what many people like you (including myself) tend to forget is that, just because we understand why a certain person behaves in a certain way, doesn’t mean we are bound to cope with it. In my previous relationship, I was continuously making excuses for my ex’s comments and behaviours, because I was knew that “he doesn’t mean it that way”. These were small things, like, not paying attention when I did things for him, or not caring about cleaning up after himself despite that he knew how much it meant to me. Small things, sure, but point is, our relationship didn’t make me feel good because he could never reflect on himself or try to see understand my viewpoint. I truly believe he wanted to, but he just could not look himself in the mirror and admit that there were areas in his life that he could improve.</p>
    <p class=”p3″>
    You say that he said “… if we don’t break up now, it will be devastating later.” This is hard to take in. But he is probably right. Thank him for being brave and speaking his mind. The love you gave for yourself that day makes it impossible for him to use you for his comfort zone, so he needs to go and look for it elsewhere. I hope however, that he start to look within himself, but the alcohol might prevent him from doing so.

    Now, breathe.
    1. Thank yourself for showing up for yourself that day. Say it out loud until you believe it.
    2. Forgive him for behaving like he did, his self-esteem was under threat.
    3. Accept being misunderstood. The only one who needs to understand is you.</p>
    <p class=”p3″>There’s nothing to regret and I support you forever <3</p>

    #326595

    loveandkisseszaphod
    Participant

    Dear Joy,

    Dear Jonna,

    Thank you for your friendly and supportive replies. I was moved reading them.

    About the alcoholism: It’s funny but I never realised it was this big an issue with him. We always drank together. He used to say he can never understand how much is too much or when he crosses the line but I had never witnessed it before. I was always worried about his other problems like depression, job issues, weed use etc. but not alcohol that much. Maybe it’s because (now I’m playing freud here)  when I was growing up my mum would become edgy and passive aggressive to my father everytime he drank and I went along with her and took her side.  And maybe later in life I now subconsciously try to make it up and turn a blind eye over drinking.  It is also funny that you say “alcoholism is a disease of selfishness”. I never ever thought he was selfish before but just the opposite. But in our last texts I told him it was too selfish of him to say that he doesn’t want to change for anyone, because I thought once you are in a relationship with someone you both change, willingly or otherwise. But it still did not dawn on me that these were the words of an alcoholic as you put it. I thought he was talking about settling down etc..

    Anyways, these are his problems, I tried my best to be his companion but you can’t really help someone unless they want you to.

    About my side of the story: I wanted someone in my life, an intimate connection.  Now reading some of my earlier messages to him, I see that I always had to ask for his attention and maybe I sometimes sounded clingy. He never really was compassionate or understanding. He was mostly self-absorbed. When I told him on our last conversation that I feel he didn’t put much effort in this relationship, he said ” you keep telling me this but I constantly came to see you from another city for 2 years!” He thinks just being present next to me is enough effort on his part. I felt sad in the beginning but now I also feel angry because of his childish ways and not taking any kind of responsibility, and not  being there for me despite all the love and understanding I gave him. I knew all along that we were not the perfect match, but I loved his goodwill, and my emotional needs got the best of me and I kept trying. It’s our second breakup now. If we really broke up the first time, I would blame myself that I left him alone with his problems. Now this is not the case anymore. Now I feel like he was not there for me.

    I still can’t stay I’m completely over him but I feel much more ok everyday. Thank you again,

    love,

     

     

    #326601

    Jonna
    Participant

    Thank you! For sharing your story. It made me reflect on my previous decisions and made me feel better about them. Let the healing take time. Wounds will come to the surface from time to time and it will pain. Let it be, surrender to it, feel it fully, and let go of it. Repeat.

    You’ve got this.

    Jonna

    #326715

    loveandkisseszaphod
    Participant

    not a real update but I wanted to note it down here.

    I stalked his twitter today. (I sometimes do) I read a heartbreaking tweet of yesterday which he said:  it was the second anniversary of his mother’s passing, not a day goes by without him missing her but now he gets tired of missing.

    I had the urge to console and comfort him. Instead I let myself think about him for a while, wished him well, -and won’t lie-shed some tears.

    I need to NOT romanticize this situation. So I thought about last year’s anniversary when we were together, I tried to reach out to him and make him talk about his feelings but he did not open up. Not even as much as this tweet. And the year before, when she died, we were not on speaking terms at that short period, and he didn’t let me know she died but instead I read it on his post about the funeral on facebook.

    #326739

    anita
    Participant

    Dear loveandkisseszaphod:

    I think you did well to not contact him.

    I noticed that in your original post you referred to him as a “naïve partner”, and you wrote about him: “He usually doesn’t know what to do in certain situations”-

    – if this is the case, then it would have made sense if he listened to his less naïve partner (you) in regard to what it is he should be doing in certain situations. Problem is, he didn’t want your guidance, and he didn’t want “to change for anyone.. doesn’t want anything from life”-

    .. doesn’t want anything from life= not your guidance and not your comfort, which is why I figure it is a good thing that you didn’t contact him so far, no matter how much you miss him and feel for him.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by  anita.
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