Dear Kartik:

Our relationships with our parents in childhood are the most powerful relationships we will ever have. These relationships form us, making us who we become. If you had a stable home, a safe home, you wouldn’t be the anxious and depressed young man that you have become.

You wrote about your parents: “deep down we still love each other, but maybe due to stress, we act out”- abuse always follows stress; content and calm people do not abuse. Where there is abuse, there is no love. What I mean by it, is that when your mother verbally abuses you, she doesn’t make up for that abuse when she cooks for you something you like to eat. There is no love where there is abuse, no matter if there are also acts of love. It is love or abuse (sometimes there is such a thing as all-or-nothing).

I want to suggest a few things to you in this post:

1. Protect and promote your life and your physical health. “I have had countless one night stands and it all started at the age of 14”. You are now 20, this is six years of those countless one night stands. You are endangering your life, exposing yourself to a higher risk than average for contracting deadly sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), as well as non deadly, but very unpleasant, such as genital herpes. Please protect your life by becoming way more selective as to who you engage with sexually (get to know a man well enough before sex) and engage  in safer sex practices.

2. Because you suffered extensive abuse and neglect as a child, in your home, with your parents, you should make plans to no longer live with them, especially because verbal abuse against you is still the practice.

3. No longer verbally abuse your sister, and do not accept abuse by her. If you live with her now, plan to live separately from her and limit the interactions with her until such time that there is no abuse between the two of you.

4.  In all your interactions and relationships with anyone and everyone, see that there is no abuse and that the communication is respectful.

5. Regarding this older man: notice how attached to him you have become, not because of sex, but because of respectful, honest, meaningful conversations. Instead of one night stands, aim at having a relationship with a man that will include this kind of non- sexual conversations, talks in which you feel valued and appreciated.

6. Still, in regard to this older man, you wrote that you are angry at him because he texts and calls you when he wants to talk, but when you want to talk to him, texting or calling him, “he seems unresponsive”. Therefore, you have a feeling that you are “just being used”, someone to listen to him. You have a point here. A healthy relationship has to be give-and-take, a benefit to both individuals, both sometimes sacrificing for the other. For example, when you call him and he doesn’t feel like talking, he can put the effort anyway, and take time to listen to you patiently, at least for some time. Do take into consideration though that people are not permanently responsive the same way all the time. People do get busy and tired and sometimes feeling physically uncomfortable.

–Feel free to post back to me anytime, to discuss what I posted here for you, and anything else that comes to your mind.

anita