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Anxiety is killing me in this whole relationship

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This topic contains 12 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 month, 1 week ago.

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  • #327063

    Kartik
    Participant

    Hey, my name is Kartik, from Malaysia. Before I start off, I would like to point out that I’m gay and the guy that I will be talking about is 30yrs of age and I am 20. During April of this year I met a guy on Grindr and we had an instant connection. Grindr has always been a place for hookups, but this guy didn’t want any of that he just wanted to talk. We would call each other every night and talk for hours from food to politics and our problems and struggles. As days and weeks went by, I started to have feelings for this person, really strong feelings and after 2 months, I confessed and he responded by saying that there is nothing wrong of me liking him but he would like to keep things simple and he truly enjoys talking to me. But during those months of texting and calling, I have always felt very anxious and afraid that i would lose him, I was scared that he would stop talking to me and I would start doubting and create weird and stupid theories of why he has not replied my texts or why he couldn’t call me. I started to have sleepless nights, was not able to focus on my work and it so bad till I thought i should kill myself because of bad my anxiety was. It came to a point where I told him i needed time and space from him, which he responded by saying that it is up to me and after that, we did not call or text each other for 6 months. During that 6 months, I managed to move on and let go and also was seeing 2 other guys, but unfortunately got rejected as well. But also during those months, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Every time I enter my room, I’m just reminded of the times we called each other every night. So few days ago, I texted him thinking maybe I was ready to speak to him, but I was wrong. He was kind enough to respond and said that it was okay that it took me so long and the next day we called and spoke for 2 hours. There was just so much to talk about and we laughed and cracked so many jokes, I felt so happy and less alone. But the moment I ended the call, the anxiety rushed back in, though he has been consistent. I don’t want my anxiety and fear to ruin this friendship I have with him. He truly cares for me and genuinely likes me, I don’t know if he likes me more than that, but I know he likes me and wants me to stay, because I am sort of his safe space where he is able to talk about anything and I dont want to ruin that for him. I need some help and advice on how to overcome this rush of anxiety and fear that comes from deep within.

    #327087

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kartik:

    “I need some help and advice on how to  overcome this rush of anxiety and fear that comes from deep  within”-

    – your anxiety in the context of talking to  this man does come from deep  within you. After all, he didn’t express any aggression toward you. So the fear must be from within you, being there way before this man came into your life. If you want, we can look at what it is deep within you.

    This “rush of anxiety” is probably an old anxiety that followed you being left alone, as a child, in one way or another. A child is left alone when a parent dies or leaves otherwise, or the parent may be there all along, but their love disappears, and that leaves a child very much alone.

    What do you think?

    anita

     

    #327093

    Kartik
    Participant

    Thank you Anita for responding. Yes, I would want to take a look whats deep within me.

    As far as i could remember, my dad used to be very cloae with me when I was child. I remember taking me out to places and would always be by my side. Untill ome day he just stopped and focused on work and providing for the family.

    #327099

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kartik:

    You are welcome. You shared about your father, “my dad used to be very close with me when I was a child..  always be by my side”, but then he wasn’t anymore. How old were you when he was no longer by your side, how did it feel, how was it like for you, do you remember?

    anita

    #327141

    Kartik
    Participant

    I do not remember exactly how old I was when it happened or how I felt about it… Maybe I was 3 or 4. But all I know is that things got very intense at home. My parents would start to fight all the time and they were very hot tempered. They became more and more abusive, physically and verbally towards each other and towards me (when I do something wrong). My mom once told me something, after giving birth to me… she did not wanted me because of the fear of becoming a bad mother.

    #327151

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kartik:

    “They became more and more abusive.. towards me (when I do something wrong)”- it is they who did something wrong, not you. Abusing you was the wrong thing to do!

    Your mother told you that “she did not want me because of the fear of becoming a bad mother”- when she abused you, she was a bad mother. I suggested earlier to look at what is deep within you: how your parents treated you as a child is.. deep within you.

    I will soon be away from the computer for a few hours, maybe as long as 15 hours from now. Please add anything at all that comes to your mind about the fights between your parents, how they abused each other and you, and/ or anything that may be relevant to looking deep within you.  I will read and reply to you when I am back.

    anita

    #327157

    Kartik
    Participant

    Well my parents have changed as days went by. Though still abusive with words, but not with action anymore. My dad was physically abusive towards my mom when they are in a fight, he would her and even strangled her twice infront of me and my sister. My mom would fight him back with her words, which triggers my dad to hit her even more. My dad was abusive towards me a few times when I was a kid, I dont remember exactly how and why. But I specifically remember a time where my dad pushed me up against a wall and scolded me, as though he was talking or scolding a criminal. I did not felt like his son at that moment. Another time was when his friend was bullying me, physically, infront of him and he did nothing. My mom once broke all of my favourite things right infront of me because I did not do well in school, kicked me once as well. But mostly, she abused me verbally. Still do when she is mad. I was also sexually abused once when i was 6 by my babysitter, he molested me in the dark, in his room. Yeah, I guess I’m pretty fucked up at this point and I realized I’ve been doing the same things towards my sister as well. I verbally abuse her, very badly. She does the same too, we abuse each other at home. It’s pretty sad. I really need help

    #327159

    Kartik
    Participant

    I also have the habit of wanting others to feel sorry for me and I always feel sorry for myself. Death and suicide is something that I think about daily, they were also times that I dont, which is when I’m with my friends. In order to numb the pain, anxiety and depression(not clinacly diagnosed) I run twoards sex. I have had countless one night stands and it all started at the age of 14 and Im also a porn addict.

    #327171

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kartik:

    I will thoroughly read your posts and reply to you when I am back to the computer tomorrow morning, in about 12 hours from now. Feel free to add anything you want before I return.

    anita

    #327221

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kartik:

    First, I will retell everything you shared, your story; second, I will give you my input.

    What you shared: you are a 20 year old young Malaysian man, a gay man. Eight months ago you met a man who  is ten years older than you, and experienced “an instant connection” with him. This man didn’t want to hookup with you (even though he met you on a hookup website), “he just wanted to talk”. You and him had hours long conversations every night on topics “from food to politics and our problems and struggles”. After days and weeks of these conversations (texting and calling), you “started to have feelings for this person, really strong feelings”.

    After two months of these conversations, you told him how you feel and he responded saying that there is nothing wrong with you liking him, “but he would like to keep things simple and he truly enjoys talking to me”.

    During these two months (April-June 2019) of communicating with his man, you “have always felt very anxious and afraid that I will lose him”, scared that he will stop replying to your texts and calling you. You felt very badly, had sleepless nights, you were unable to focus on your work and thought of killing yourself so to rid yourself of this anxiety.

    Sometime in about June, you told him that you “need time and space from him”, he told you that it is up to you, and what proceeded was six months where you “managed to move on and let go”, but yet you “couldn’t stop thinking about him”. A few days ago, December this year, you texted him. He responded to you kindly, and the day after the two of you talked for two hours, “There was just so much to talk about and we laughed and cracked so many jokes, I felt so happy and less alone”.

    “But the moment I ended the call, the anxiety rushed back in”. You wrote: “I don’t want my anxiety and fear to ruin this friendship.. He truly cares for me and genuinely likes me.. he likes me and wants me to stay, because I am sort of his safe space where he is able to talk about anything”. You asked for “help and advice on how to overcome this rush of anxiety and fear that comes from deep within”.

    Your childhood: you remember you and your father being very close. You remember him “taking me out to places and would always be by my side. Until one day”, maybe you were 3 or 4, “he just stopped”.

    At home, your father and mother, “very hot tempered”,  started “to fight all the time”, being more and more physically and verbally abusive to each other and to you. Your father hit your mother, “even strangled her twice in front of me”, and your mother “would fight him back with her words”.  At times your father hit you too. One time he pushed you against a wall and scolded you, “as though he was talking or scolding a criminal. I did not feel like his son at that moment”. At another time, your father’s friend physically bullied you in front of your father, and your father “did nothing”.

    At another time your mother “broke all of my favourite things right in front of me.. and kicked me once as well. But  mostly, she abused me verbally”. “Also I was sexually abused once when I was 6 by my babysitter, he molested me in the dark, in his room”.

    Fast forward, currently, at 20, your parents are still verbally abusive, but not physically. Your mother still abuses you verbally when she is angry. You have a sister, and you “verbally abuse her, very badly. She does the same too, we abuse each other at home”.

    You wrote that you have the habit of feeling sorry for yourself, wanting others to feel sorry for you; thinking about death and suicide daily, but not when you are with friends. Since you were 14, to “numb the pain, anxiety and depression”, you “run toward sex.. had countless one night stands” and you are “a porn addict”.

    Now, my input: let’s look at the young child that you were. When your father took you places, “and would always be by (your) side”, that felt like heaven to that child, like a bright day with a pleasant sun shining, clear blue sky and green grass to run on with bare feet. It was the most pleasurable, precious experience for this little boy. You loved your father with all your heart, and he loved you back. That was an exquisite experience of safety, comfort, calm and happiness.

    (Fast forward, you feel something similar when you talk to this older man on the phone).

    And then, when you were 3 or 4, your father stopped taking you places and there were no special times with him anymore, no closeness. At home he hit you and he didn’t protect you when his friend hit you. You still loved him.. but he didn’t love you back anymore.

    At this point your little boy heart broke. There is nothing more painful than a child’s heart being broken, because a child’s heart is so very soft, his love for his father is complete, passionate, pure, everlasting. When this kind of heart is broken, the pain is intense and overwhelming.

    That clear blue sky and green grass I mentioned before, in the child’s emotional view- the sky is no longer blue, the grass is no longer green, color is lost and the world looks gray, the sky clouded, the sun is  gone, the child is cold and wants to die- –this is depression.

    When your father pushed you against the wall that one time and scolded you as though you were a criminal, and you “did not feel like his son at that moment”- this was one very memorable moment of your heart breaking (there were many others).

    It wasn’t just anyone who pushed you against the wall and scolded you, it was your father whom you loved more than anything in the whole world that did that- this is what it took to break this boy’s heart. “I did not feel like his son at that moment”- he betrayed the father-son love. When he did that, he exiled you to that cold, grey, colorless world.

    It would have helped you some if you had a mother to be close to, to run to; a calm, kind mother. But she wasn’t that. She was “very hot tempered”, verbally abused you and once she broke all your favorite things right in front of you. When she did that, she too broke this little boy’s heart.

    What happens to a boy with a broken heart, a boy betrayed by his father and by his mother, a boy living in an aggressive, hostile home, with two  parents fighting a whole lot?

    The boy gets scared and remains scared a whole lot of the time— this is anxiety. And sometimes angry too. There is a sister, so you pass on some of the aggression to her, and she to  you. A hostile home does not breed a peaceful, kind relationships between siblings.

    And so, this broken hearted, anxious and depressed boy gets to be 14 and his sexual energy is awakened. He is attracted to men. As anxious and as depressed as he is, he is still alive, and he still wants to feel good, to find that sun behind the clouds and bask in its warmth. So he seeks that warmth sexually.

    And then, at 19 or 20, he meets this man, ten years older. This man doesn’t want to hookup, he just wants to talk, a whole lot. He wants to know how you feel, he enjoys talking to you, he values you. “He truly cares for me and genuinely likes me”, like your father did when you were very young. So you developed strong feelings of attachment to him, same that you had for your father (a feeling of togetherness and the safety in that togetherness, that blue-sky-warm colorful world), and so, you “felt so happy and less alone” when talking to him.

    But when calls end, when not in contact with him, you experience again that broken heart of long ago, the anxiety and depression that go with a child’s broken heart.

    — And now what, is the question, isn’t it?

    I will attempt to answer that when you respond to what I wrote here so far.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by  anita.
    #327323

    Kartik
    Participant

    I’m speechless. I did not realize this. It almost feels like im replacing his love over my dad’s love. I dont know, but the child in me felt so uneasy to read the truth about the dark side of his parents. I think deep down we still love each other, but maybe due to stress, we act out. But yeah, what they did to me and what I did to my sister is bad. I realized I have some anger towards this older guy. He only texts me when he wants to or calls me when he wants to. When he does, I would drop everything and respond to the messages or calls. But when I text or call him when I want to, he seems unresponsive. Maybe it could be one of the reasons why my anxiety can go wild when I think about it. I have a feeling, maybe I’m just being used and mostly because he does not have much gay friends or anyone that listens to his doubts about his faith and the politics in my country. Though the 6 months was slightly painful of not ihim in my life, I felt at ease at the same time, because I wasn’t feeling the anxiety rush that I had when I was still in contact with him.

    #327333

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kartik:

    I will read and reply to your recent post (and any you may add to it) when I am back to the computer in about 14 hours from now. Post as many times as you want, anytime. I will read all that you post when I am back.

    anita

    #327415

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kartik:

    Our relationships with our parents in childhood are the most powerful relationships we will ever have. These relationships form us, making us who we become. If you had a stable home, a safe home, you wouldn’t be the anxious and depressed young man that you have become.

    You wrote about your parents: “deep down we still love each other, but maybe due to stress, we act out”- abuse always follows stress; content and calm people do not abuse. Where there is abuse, there is no love. What I mean by it, is that when your mother verbally abuses you, she doesn’t make up for that abuse when she cooks for you something you like to eat. There is no love where there is abuse, no matter if there are also acts of love. It is love or abuse (sometimes there is such a thing as all-or-nothing).

    I want to suggest a few things to you in this post:

    1. Protect and promote your life and your physical health. “I have had countless one night stands and it all started at the age of 14”. You are now 20, this is six years of those countless one night stands. You are endangering your life, exposing yourself to a higher risk than average for contracting deadly sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), as well as non deadly, but very unpleasant, such as genital herpes. Please protect your life by becoming way more selective as to who you engage with sexually (get to know a man well enough before sex) and engage  in safer sex practices.

    2. Because you suffered extensive abuse and neglect as a child, in your home, with your parents, you should make plans to no longer live with them, especially because verbal abuse against you is still the practice.

    3. No longer verbally abuse your sister, and do not accept abuse by her. If you live with her now, plan to live separately from her and limit the interactions with her until such time that there is no abuse between the two of you.

    4.  In all your interactions and relationships with anyone and everyone, see that there is no abuse and that the communication is respectful.

    5. Regarding this older man: notice how attached to him you have become, not because of sex, but because of respectful, honest, meaningful conversations. Instead of one night stands, aim at having a relationship with a man that will include this kind of non- sexual conversations, talks in which you feel valued and appreciated.

    6. Still, in regard to this older man, you wrote that you are angry at him because he texts and calls you when he wants to talk, but when you want to talk to him, texting or calling him, “he seems unresponsive”. Therefore, you have a feeling that you are “just being used”, someone to listen to him. You have a point here. A healthy relationship has to be give-and-take, a benefit to both individuals, both sometimes sacrificing for the other. For example, when you call him and he doesn’t feel like talking, he can put the effort anyway, and take time to listen to you patiently, at least for some time. Do take into consideration though that people are not permanently responsive the same way all the time. People do get busy and tired and sometimes feeling physically uncomfortable.

    –Feel free to post back to me anytime, to discuss what I posted here for you, and anything else that comes to your mind.

    anita

     

     

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