I’m speechless. I did not realize this. It almost feels like im replacing his love over my dad’s love. I dont know, but the child in me felt so uneasy to read the truth about the dark side of his parents. I think deep down we still love each other, but maybe due to stress, we act out. But yeah, what they did to me and what I did to my sister is bad. I realized I have some anger towards this older guy. He only texts me when he wants to or calls me when he wants to. When he does, I would drop everything and respond to the messages or calls. But when I text or call him when I want to, he seems unresponsive. Maybe it could be one of the reasons why my anxiety can go wild when I think about it. I have a feeling, maybe I’m just being used and mostly because he does not have much gay friends or anyone that listens to his doubts about his faith and the politics in my country. Though the 6 months was slightly painful of not ihim in my life, I felt at ease at the same time, because I wasn’t feeling the anxiety rush that I had when I was still in contact with him.

Well my parents have changed as days went by. Though still abusive with words, but not with action anymore. My dad was physically abusive towards my mom when they are in a fight, he would her and even strangled her twice infront of me and my sister. My mom would fight him back with her words, which triggers my dad to hit her even more. My dad was abusive towards me a few times when I was a kid, I dont remember exactly how and why. But I specifically remember a time where my dad pushed me up against a wall and scolded me, as though he was talking or scolding a criminal. I did not felt like his son at that moment. Another time was when his friend was bullying me, physically, infront of him and he did nothing. My mom once broke all of my favourite things right infront of me because I did not do well in school, kicked me once as well. But mostly, she abused me verbally. Still do when she is mad. I was also sexually abused once when i was 6 by my babysitter, he molested me in the dark, in his room. Yeah, I guess I’m pretty fucked up at this point and I realized I’ve been doing the same things towards my sister as well. I verbally abuse her, very badly. She does the same too, we abuse each other at home. It’s pretty sad. I really need help

Thank you Anita for responding. Yes, I would want to take a look whats deep within me.

As far as i could remember, my dad used to be very cloae with me when I was child. I remember taking me out to places and would always be by my side. Untill ome day he just stopped and focused on work and providing for the family.