Hey, wow that’s really long! Yes, that happened years ago and I just repeat myself. I messaged her today about the hockey game next month I told her about last time we talked (or the time before?). She said on the phone she wants to hang out with most of us but wasn’t sure about the hockey game because you can’t really talk to everyone, so she will likely pass but for me to tell her about other work related things she can go to. But in my message I said we should get a bunch of us or some of us after the game (will have to be before the game) that way she can talk to them. She’s probably working, waiting for the reply back.

No, no new understanding. But one thing I do notice is when she doesn’t have a job or time off from her job she was most able to make time. Like the days she brought me to the docs those couple times she asked if I wanted to meet for coffee first and talk, then hung out the 1 time at the beach after I told doc I was suicidal. Then she said it was a good day on her FB right as I posted it was a GREAT day. Then messages me she NEVER posts personal stuff on her wall (even now), so obviously she was really into that day with me. Back in the summer she said “Didn’t you go to the docs in Sept the first time?” and I am like “Yeah”, but that was the end of it. What I miss most is that 1 summer and those few months when she was advancing at her career and up until Feb or March? of this year when I felt insanely close. Like when I felt close my “feelings” went away and it was like we were just great friends, no crazy feelings that only happen when I don’t feel close and start chasing although I still went crazy in here.

Also had a few of those “moments” with her on the phone. Like when I told her she can call me anytime she wants for a good day, bad day, great news, bad news, etc. Her voice went low and told me nobody ever tells her that and that I am such a great guy (and she doesn’t really like males that much). She had to go, and it went dead quiet and I THINK I said “I really don’t wanna get off” but maybe I thought that, but then I said “goodbye” after like a 10 second silence (we had a moment, clearly). But now we don’t have those, now when it’s time to say goodbye that’s it…no waiting, no staying on longer it’s just “click”. I talk a lot more then I used to now. But things are so different now too. I still tell her straight up how I feel like when I say “I am  proud of you”, or “All I want is you to be happy”, although last call I told her I want her to be “free” and she was like “You want me to be free?” in  a choked up way. It’s hard to be open with my words, with those words but I can say those things to her unlike other people and I don’t feel…weird! for saying that, probably because I mean it.

All I wish is for her to be happy, always. I don’t care about the guy, just her being happy and never not being happy and FREE from everything. If her being happy is with the guy, so be it I will hope they are always together even if it means I am always depressed. I don’t think things are so good with them though, a few  times she’s said they are good now but she keeps not being happy and doesn’t talk about him as much as she used to. I just wish she would reach out  more, but I can’t  tell her to because she has to WANT to stick around. I am tired of feeling this feeling all throughout my body, I am tired of sleeping but always feeling like I have not slept, I am tired of always crying, I am tired of my life and all of my failures too that I am not good enough, that I feel worthless and the world is a better place without me in it.