December 12, 2019 at 7:46 am #327247
If you “won’t be talking or texting much anymore”- there will not be much to record and that will be easy then, to come back here and type: I called her, date, time, her response:___. Page 51 is not too late for anything, I say.
December 13, 2019 at 5:03 pm #327455
- This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by anita.
TBH lately I been thinking of calling a few days after Xmas and ask about her stuff, then wish her well and at the end let her know I am moving on and hanging up, but if she asks why I will say “Don’t worry about it”. Is that insensitive? Because…I am really bored of being the only one to initiate, but I have never actually told her I don’t like this. I told her I need a break because I do everything and it’s 1 sided and she sounded choked up by my decision and wanted it to be a small break but said she just wants me to be happy. Do I not matter to her or something? She now works down the street from me yet I still can’t even see her. If you’re important to that person they will want to keep you around, but I don’t feel very important to her. She does not wanna hang out 1 time a month, so she keeps saying she’s too busy and it’s been like 5 months. Friendships are supposed to matter, maybe I am a little more invested in this due to “feelings”, but it’s like a ghost town now.December 13, 2019 at 5:19 pm #327457
I asked for a record of texts and calls because I was never clear about what is going on. I always had the feeling that you are not clear with her about what you want, that sometimes you tell her what you want from her/ the friendship, but later you go back on your word and tell her something contradictory (ex., you told her to forget the loan you gave her and then it happens that she paid you some of it back). I really am at a loss because I don’t have a picture of the communication between the two of you.
If you were consistently clear with her, that you want to see her and she kept telling you that she is busy, and then she works near where you live and still says she is too busy to see you, well that is not a pretty picture of a friendship, that’s for sure.
But like I just wrote, I don’t know!
anitaDecember 13, 2019 at 7:36 pm #327469
I just don’t think this is going on much longer to track things, said it throughout the thread but she’s not single anymore and moved away and got no way of getting to her.
I dunno what I am supposed to say for being honest with her, she has a boyfriend so I don’t think I can exactly say I wanna see her more he will probably tell her to cut me off totally, no phone calls, no nothing. I can say I want you to communicate more instead of only me but that just means I am forcing her and saying she has to or else and I will look extremly needy and think if she wanted to stay in touch she would have but instead stays away staying out of touch and tells me she does message me when I “dissapear” (her words). She also told me she does not like being around her friends that much on the phone when we talked about me wanting a break from the friendship due to it being so 1 sided and me having to do everything. Not asked her if we can hang out since July, been waiting for her to ask me so I pretty much assume she’s still busy. All I know is she works and goes home after, I stopped buying the busy line a while ago and she really hates saying it she told me.
I told her it can be every 2 months we hang out, but apparently even that’s too much for her. All I want is both of us to ask eachother to hang out, both to text eachother atleast a few times a month and both to do phone calls, instead I am the only one who does it yet I have told her several times she can call anytime she wants.December 14, 2019 at 8:50 am #327529
I’ve been working on a post for you these last couple of hours and it is not ready, will have to continue it later and post it to you in a few hours.
anitaDecember 14, 2019 at 12:40 pm #327555
Because you will not give me a record, I went back to pages 1-13 for a record. According to my calculation you are now 35 and she is 40, her daughters are 21 and 25. So here is what I have from your posts September 18, 2016 to December 14, 2016, exactly three years ago (the quotes are exact except for my capitalizing letters and some punctuation editing, for clarity sake):
By September 2016 (you were 32, she was 37), you knew her 11 years, “mostly co workers.. we never did friend things like hang out or text and stuff”. When you started your thread, she was no longer your co-worker.
When and how the friendship started: In late August 2016, you “told Facebook I was thinking of taking my life. She came out of nowhere and we started texting, meeting up for coffee a few times and (she went with you to) a few doctors appointments to help me”.
This was your position regarding a boyfriend/ girlfriend relationship with her, Sept 18, 2016: “I know I’ll never be anything more than just a friend even though I’ve never asked her and I’ll never ask her because I will never be worthy of her.” (You kept this position throughout over 3 years of friendship, to the present day).
Even though the friendship with her (beyond the work situation of 11 years) was only three weeks old, you already expressed a desire to “let her go” on your very first post, Sept 18: “I feel like I should.. exit her life and move on even though I’ve never met anyone like this”. The day after, Sept 19, you changed your mind: “Maybe I’ll hold off calling off the friendship”.
The first time you complained about not enough contact with her was three weeks into the friendship, Sept 19: “We used to text each other every day, now it’s once a week so maybe.. there really is no friendship”.
Your first break, aka disappearance was on that day, Sept 19, 2016: “I’m taking a break from that girl.. I texted her I won’t be around for a while”. You texted her that, and added “hope we can still be friends when I get back. If not then it’s been real, thanks for the awesome 3 weeks we were friends. It’s been some of my best memories”. Later, still Sept 19, you wrote: “I’ve disappeared from social media since last night, deactivated my Facebook”.
Two days later, Sept 21, you “saw her today at work as she was doing some shopping, we talked a little and gave each other a huge hug”. The day after, Sept 22, you talked about disappearing again: “I’ve decided to take a break from her.. hopefully when we meet up again, I’ll be a changed man”. The day after, Sept 23: “She was at my work again, we hugged again”. Sept 26: “Today she messages me 4 times on my phone. So I decided to visit her at her work for 2 hours and we talked… She wants to meet up for coffee a week or 2 after and chat. So much for the long break I was wanting lol”. She also told you to “please keep her posted”, and that she wants you “to come by her work again and eat there”.
Sept 30, you complained: “She only gives me short 1 liners now in texts.. Our communication is pretty much dying… It went from texting me 2 times a day.. then it was once a day, then it went once every few days, now it’s once a week”.
Oct 15, another disappearing act: “deleting everyone off my Facebook (she was one of them too) and deactivated it”, telling her, “I won’t be going for coffee with her today, and that I will text her sometime later but not sure when”. But three days later, Oct 18, the two of you were texting. (At the time her sister was about to give birth). Oct 30 you met her: “she picked me up and we got gas, then picked up her daughter and had some laughs.. She showed me around her home.. Drove to a pub and had a drink, some food and a nice talk… then she drove me home. It was about 3 hours total. The next day I came to her work .. we ate there and talked and had some laughs”.
Nov 6 you wrote: “A few days ago I went to her work again.. gave her a CD as a present.. ate there for 2 hours talking with her when she was not busy with customers. Last night I went to the night club.. with 4 others from work and her.. got hammered.. We got to her car and we hugged again and told her to drive home safe.. It was a great night!”. Nov 12 you were worried that she was angry at you during that club event six days before. You texted her: “Normally we text throughout the week since we started texting months ago, and I had a weird feeling you were not happy with me”. Her response: “Not at all!!! Just been working a lot.. Had a lot of fun with you guys”. You texted: “Alright cool, so we good? I like texting you”, and she responded: “It’s all good buddy.. talk soon”.
Nov 14, a long texting session with her. You texted her at one point: “got almost blacked out drunk watching UFC”, and she responded: “Best thing would be to take the meds and not drink at all Pat”. Nov 19 you complained: “she never texts me first anymore like she did all Sept and early October.
Nov 23: You wrote: “She actually text me and said we should have a coffee soon. ‘Hey pat how are you?? …Let’s have coffee soon'”.
Nov 24, you wrote: “Nothing will make me happier then to text a lot like we used to, and hang out often…but she’s too busy. Nov 28 you saw her at work for a few minutes and hugged. Nov 29, you mailed her the Christmas mug gift her the mug gift. Dec 2, you were upset: “it’s been over a week since she’s text me! This is officially now the longest she’s gone not texting me since we started texting”. You wrote on that day: “Most of the coffees and the Dinner has been all her though, I’ve only asked her for coffee 1 time, that was.. early Sept”.
Dec 3, you texted her: “I was just curious if you don’t like to text first. Don’t think I’ve seen a text out of the blue from you since September. She answered: “Yeah I just don’t text much… work too much, nothing personal…I talk to you more then anyone else at your work.. It’s hard to talk much over text.” You texted: “Really? ..I love texting. I can text all day, all night”. Dec 7, you texted her that you need to reschedule a coffee date because you were sick. Dec 14, right after a coffee date with her, you wrote to me: “It was not the greatest.. We had a coffee and talked about her daughters dancing, my depression, yoga, meditation, etc… There was A LOT of times I was not talking, I just had nothing to say. It was short, only an hour and a half… She also says she’s not sure if I knew but she’s trying slowly to push herself away to not get into this so much with me, and that I need to be working on myself on my own and to text her every now and then to say hey”.
You are welcome to let me know what you think about this back-in-time post. I wonder if something came up for you, maybe some new understanding.
December 14, 2019 at 3:16 pm #327563
- This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by anita.
Hey, wow that’s really long! Yes, that happened years ago and I just repeat myself. I messaged her today about the hockey game next month I told her about last time we talked (or the time before?). She said on the phone she wants to hang out with most of us but wasn’t sure about the hockey game because you can’t really talk to everyone, so she will likely pass but for me to tell her about other work related things she can go to. But in my message I said we should get a bunch of us or some of us after the game (will have to be before the game) that way she can talk to them. She’s probably working, waiting for the reply back.
No, no new understanding. But one thing I do notice is when she doesn’t have a job or time off from her job she was most able to make time. Like the days she brought me to the docs those couple times she asked if I wanted to meet for coffee first and talk, then hung out the 1 time at the beach after I told doc I was suicidal. Then she said it was a good day on her FB right as I posted it was a GREAT day. Then messages me she NEVER posts personal stuff on her wall (even now), so obviously she was really into that day with me. Back in the summer she said “Didn’t you go to the docs in Sept the first time?” and I am like “Yeah”, but that was the end of it. What I miss most is that 1 summer and those few months when she was advancing at her career and up until Feb or March? of this year when I felt insanely close. Like when I felt close my “feelings” went away and it was like we were just great friends, no crazy feelings that only happen when I don’t feel close and start chasing although I still went crazy in here.
Also had a few of those “moments” with her on the phone. Like when I told her she can call me anytime she wants for a good day, bad day, great news, bad news, etc. Her voice went low and told me nobody ever tells her that and that I am such a great guy (and she doesn’t really like males that much). She had to go, and it went dead quiet and I THINK I said “I really don’t wanna get off” but maybe I thought that, but then I said “goodbye” after like a 10 second silence (we had a moment, clearly). But now we don’t have those, now when it’s time to say goodbye that’s it…no waiting, no staying on longer it’s just “click”. I talk a lot more then I used to now. But things are so different now too. I still tell her straight up how I feel like when I say “I am proud of you”, or “All I want is you to be happy”, although last call I told her I want her to be “free” and she was like “You want me to be free?” in a choked up way. It’s hard to be open with my words, with those words but I can say those things to her unlike other people and I don’t feel…weird! for saying that, probably because I mean it.
All I wish is for her to be happy, always. I don’t care about the guy, just her being happy and never not being happy and FREE from everything. If her being happy is with the guy, so be it I will hope they are always together even if it means I am always depressed. I don’t think things are so good with them though, a few times she’s said they are good now but she keeps not being happy and doesn’t talk about him as much as she used to. I just wish she would reach out more, but I can’t tell her to because she has to WANT to stick around. I am tired of feeling this feeling all throughout my body, I am tired of sleeping but always feeling like I have not slept, I am tired of always crying, I am tired of my life and all of my failures too that I am not good enough, that I feel worthless and the world is a better place without me in it.December 14, 2019 at 3:44 pm #327571
I am looking forward to read your recent post and reply when I am back to the computer tomorrow morning, in about 14 hours from now.
anitaDecember 15, 2019 at 8:26 am #327659
I feel that I woke up and found a treasure, reading your long, valuable post from yesterday. There is so much in it. It is as if you intentionally reciprocated the hours it took me to put together my recent post to you. I didn’t expect this return, and it makes me feel affection for you.
First I will give you what I understand at this point, based on your recent post (and everything before), I’ll state it as simply as possible:
A child needs his parent or parents (whomever is in the home where the child grows up) to communicate to the child something like the following, with a warm smile, with affection, a gentle touch: I am so happy you are here! So happy you are in my life; You make my life better; I like you and I want you to be happy too. I want you to be free to explore and look elsewhere for interesting things.
You didn’t receive this kind of communication when you were a child. The words you heard from your father weren’t positive and affectionate words. Instead of affection, there was yelling and a hateful facial expression, wasn’t there? And what he said to you was something like this: I am so unhappy you are here! I don’t like you! You are not good enough; you are worthless, I wish you were not here!
It is impossible for a child in the second scenario (your real-life experience) to be a happy child and to grow into a happy adult. The parent’s words stick, and the yelling and facial expressions make the words stick harder. The child automatically have his parent’s voice in his brain, repeating the same messages throughout childhood and adulthood, over and over and over again.
Here is how it feels to have a parent’s words replay in the brain for over three decades (as negative experiences are added throughout adult life, the results of poor choices and dysfunction based on those negative messages of childhood): “I am tired of feeling this feeling all throughout my body. I am tired of sleeping but always feeling like I have not slept, I am tired of always crying, I am tired of my life and all of my failures too that I am not good enough, that I feel worthless and the world is better place without me in it” (from your recent post).
Now, please pay attention, this woman whom you got closer to at 32, what messages did she give you:
1. After spending a day with you summer 2016, “she said it was a good day on her FB.. Then she messages me she NEVER posts personal stuff on her wall (even now), so obviously she was really into that day with me”- unlike any of your parents, her message was: you made me happy (that day), I like you, I am glad you are in my life! You looked for her sincerity and you found it in the fact that she really doesn’t post personal stuff on her wall. You figure: she really did like me, she really did enjoy her time with me!
This is a very different message than what you received as a child, the opposite message.
2. During a phone conversation with her, “Her voice went low and told me nobody tells her that and that I am such a great guy (and she doesn’t like males that much)”. Again, she gave you the opposite message that you received as a child: I like you! I value you! And you figure, she really values me because even though she doesn’t like males that much, and I am a male, she likes me!
Remember how I wrote that your father’s yelling and hateful facial expressions made his words stick hard to your young brain? Her voice going low was her emotion that made her words stick hard. Her words and emotion excited your brain, which is not used to such a message.
3. When you told her that you want her to be free, “she was like ‘You want me to be free?’ in a choked up way”- again, the choked up way she said it is her emotion that made her message stick, and that message was that she valued what you told her (that you want her to be free), and that means, she valued you.
4. Still, in a phone conversation, “then I said ‘goodbye’ after like a 10 second silence (we had a moment, clearly)”- you felt that she had a positive emotion for you, affection, appreciation, something of the kind, during that silence.
In summary: her message to you via her words and emotions was very different from the message you received as a child. Unlike any of your parents, she liked you, expressed that she liked and valued you through words and emotion, was never rude or cruel to you.. and her hugs helped too… understandably, you got hooked.
Her messages were intoxicating, naturally you wanted more of it, and you were very sensitive early on to losing her and her messages, hyper aware of changes in her texting to you, in what and how she said what, so aware of anything and everything about the communication between the two of you, that you were aware of the few seconds between “goodbye” and the clicking of the phone: “now when it’s time to say goodbye that’s it.. no waiting, no staying on longer. It’s just ‘click'”.
What she communicated to you, you communicated back to her: “I still tell her straight up how I feel like when I say ‘I am proud of you’, or ‘All I want is you to be happy’.. I want her to be ‘free'”- you gave her all the messages you wish you got as a child, but did not.
“when I feel close my ‘feelings’ went away and it was like we were just great friends, no crazy feelings that only happen when I don’t feel close and start chasing although I still went crazy in here”-
– what you experienced with this woman is the exciting I-can’t-believe-it feelings of finally receiving the positive messages you so desperately needed as a child. But because the messages you did receive as a child were the opposite, you .. couldn’t believe her messages and you were very anxious you were about to lose them at any time, looking for signs that you already lost them, or that you are just about to, and that anxiety and obsession is that “crazy feelings” you mentioned.
Please take your time before you respond to this post because there is a lot in it. It is not too late for you to experience a better life than the one. We can- if you wish- communicate further about how to make it happen.
anitaDecember 15, 2019 at 1:34 pm #327691
Another long one haha. I’ll respond sometime soon to it, but she did not respond to my question, so I asked if everything is ok? today at my time she always responds to (between 8-9AM) and she said oh yes and thanks for the invite and she’s not sure her schedule yet but maybe the after party, but I said there is none I was just gonna ask if anyone wants to do something after, did not find out about the hockey game time until after so maybe another time. Then she said yeah and to let her know if there is a casual get together sometime and to have a nice day.
Basically what I plan on doing is talking to her about the updates, ask about her crazy ex boyfriends sister if they still talk, about what her life was like growing up, then telling her once again I wish nothing but to see her happy, healthy, free, succeed in everything she does, thanks for being in my life all these years, that from this point on all I want is beautiful moments for her and to wish her well on her life journey and then hang up and block her. I have to block her, I can’t keep dealing with these emotions and dealing with a non reciprocal friend that I just wanna spend time with that doesn’t wanna spend time with me. I want what I want and that’s it. I wont make some dramatic goodbye scene, who knows we may pick things off 10 or 20 years from now and I can tell her why I left but she will know that atleast I cared about her well being deeply.December 15, 2019 at 1:48 pm #327695
What you wrote reads reasonable to me, and touching too, “she will know that at least I cared about her well being deeply”. Your thread, to me, is more of a love story than any romance novel out there. I mean it. (I didn’t read here about sex and physical passion, but I don’t like reading about that). What I read here is true love and that kept me reading with much interest for fifty one pages so far.
I say “so far” because even if you do block her and keep her blocked, you can still post here, and it will still be a love story because the love is in you, like I wrote to you before, you are a loving man, it is all in you.
anitaDecember 15, 2019 at 1:51 pm #327699
I don’t think I will be posting in here anymore, too much of a reminder of her.December 15, 2019 at 2:48 pm #327715
That makes sense. You can start a new thread though, not about her. It will be your choice of course. Maybe tiny buddha will be too much of a reminder of her, so posting anywhere on this website will remind you of her.
And maybe you’ll be reminded no matter what.
I would like to read from you again, anywhere (this thread or a new thread). I do want to read from you more, that’s for sure.
anitaDecember 15, 2019 at 8:14 pm #327795
I’ll probably disappear for a while, but do you think I should also tell her why I am leaving? like tell her I just really really like her and have for years? and my mental problems just make things worse and I am looking for more reciprocal friendships but that I can’t ask her to recipricate, she has to do it because she wants to? and since her man I feel like she’s been distancing the friendship and I don’t wanna be “that guy” that comes between them and her happiness or anything plus I would never try and pursue her because I feel like she deserves better then me but maybe that’s just me putting her on the pedistal, and the more closer I feel to her the less I feel for her, or if I lose that feeling I get a little clingy trying to get it back. Also that I keep thinking fondly that 1 summer and those several months since Oct last year until the last time we hung out for a hike before her man. That maybe I will reach out many many years when we are much older and try and start over again. If she tells me not to leave and wants me to stay, I will probably tell her “please let me go”. She’s not happy when friends leave because of “feelings” getting in the way, wants them to share their feelings with her because what it does to the persons body inside them.
She was mad when a “they” she was friends with told her he/she can’t be friends anymore because he had feelings for her, but there was more too…like he/she saying “Oh, our type does not interest you?” and he/she was coming back to the friendship when the feelings went away and he/she can be a true friend.December 16, 2019 at 6:03 am #327919
If you disappear again from her life, better you disappear in a different way from before. By this point, your disappearances are business as usual. This time tell her the whole truth of what is distressing you so much that you feel the need to cut contact with her.
From what you shared in your recent post, paraphrased, the reasons are:
1. You like her too much and want much more reciprocal contact with her, you want her to want to initiate contact with you regularly and she hasn’t. And every time you want her to contact you and she doesn’t, that makes you suffer. So you figure, no contact= no suffering.
2. You never felt that you were good enough for her, so you never considered being her boyfriend, but still your feelings for her were so strong. Also, at times you lost your feelings for her, and if you were her boyfriend, you can’t even depend on your feelings for her to stay.
3. You don’t want to get between her and her boyfriend in any way, so that she doesn’t get hurt.
Did I state your reasons correctly? Edit, add or delete if you want. Better prepare a rough draft, then a final draft, so that you can read it to her from paper when on the phone, or in person; or text the final draft to her.