December 16, 2019 at 10:56 pm #328069
Yeah those are correct. I wont text her this, I am not that cowardly and I did open up and request a break from the friendship over the phone. I may have a problem opening up but I would be honest with her on the phone. I’ll just let her know that when she helped me to the doctors that in my darkness she was the light of hope I saw and I clung to it hard and got infatuated and the feelings went away and came back over the years, then about the friendship thing and then the “not good enough” part.
I think she will be fine with all of this tbh. What I don’t understand is what happened between the end of 2017 and the end of 2018? She phoned me a few times because she had nobody else to talk to and was having a bad day, one was because her ferret was acting up and had to be put down (that’s one of the $1,000 I loaned her), the other I can’t remember why she was having a bad day? but that was the last time she called me because she wanted to. It’s been 2 years lol! From Jan 2018 to April 2018 we did not text once, a 4 month break! never really thought about messaging her, but she messaged me or I would have went much longer. Then something at work happened and I freaked out! told her all about it and we had a coffee and a walk to the bench grabbing and poking my legs and arms showing her teqniques on me, then we sat next to eachother on a log at the beach watching the ocean and talking, then sat next to eachother at the water and tapping ourselves and she made me say “I love myself” which I struggled with and did not mean it (she knew). Then we walked back and threw leaves on eachother and a guy walking his dog smiled and nodded his head and I asked if we can hang out more, she really wanted to and was going to invite me to events with her.
Then we got really close again just like that 1 summer and took off, she even put makeup on before meeting me and told me all about that “psychic” story, then she wanted to know about the life coach stuff what happened and really wanted to connect with me that 1 day, it was BEAUTIFUL! At the time I was thinking the most amazing person I know wants to connect with me for a coffee and really wants to know my news.
Then a new guy enters the picture and now here we are, on the brink of ending things for good although she doesn’t know yet but is normally always down to talk on the phone, but only at my request. I guess I should not be sad it’s ending but happy it happened. The phone calls are not what they used to be like though but now I can’t stand waiting a month before wanting to call her, I wanna call her every week or 2 and talk but limit myself to 1 per month.
WTF????????December 17, 2019 at 8:37 am #328131
I figure what you really want, deep inside you, is to be her boyfriend, her life partner, romantically, physically, in any and every way. I don’t think being friends could possibly satisfy you even if she liked texting, even if you talked more often on the phone and saw her once a month.
What I mean by it, is that the heart wants what the heart wants even if your head is telling you that she deserves better than you and that you are not worthy of her. The heart isn’t going to say: oh, I am not worthy of her, so I will stop wanting her.
This is what I mean by the-heart-wants-what-the-heart-wants.
So you are trying to discipline your heart, to make it stop wanting her by cutting contact with her, blocking her. Didn’t work before, didn’t work 51 pages and 3.5 years.
And if you were her boyfriend, if that happened, you would probably get scared and stop having feelings for her. You would then stay away from her, but then… start missing her again.
This is a difficult situation, isn’t it?
anitaDecember 17, 2019 at 1:20 pm #328177
Yeah I probably would stop having the feelings. It would be like when we got really close and all of a sudden the feelings dropped and I would easily go months and months of no contact (disappearing she calls it but I just chased that closeness feeling and always have), but I am sure I would be fine if she iniated the phone conversations herself but as I said to her I want her to be free, in every sense of the word and I don’t wanna control her or how she interacts with me. She has to want it like I want it. If we both talked a few times a month and both called because we wanted to talk and text more often in the mornings (I liked it, got me through the day even if it was short but I was happy for a while). I can’t exactly hang out 1 time a month if she lives so far away, but it’s been almost 5 months and she just keeps saying “busy” yet hangs around other friends she never sees and says she doesn’t get out a whole lot but she works a few blocks from me, just means she doesn’t wanna hang out anymore but she can’t say it for some reason. I also needed to get my license which I never did, can’t always have her driving here on her days off when she lives an hour away.
She already knows I used to like her, but not for how long…thinks it’s when we started talking on the phone again late last year and kept saying how flattered she is I felt that way (which is just a nice way of saying I was never into you that way). Yeah…this goes far back. I wonder how she will react? you seem to know how she responds to things well, you thinnk she will be angry or anything?December 17, 2019 at 1:39 pm #328185
“I wonder how she will react?” – to what exactly (you telling her how you feel or blocking her again…)?
Also, I don’t think she ever expressed any anger at you, has she?
anitaDecember 17, 2019 at 1:45 pm #328221
React to cutting contact for good.December 17, 2019 at 1:48 pm #328223
As to the second question: did she ever express anger at you, was she ever angry at you, that you know?
anitaDecember 17, 2019 at 4:39 pm #328271
Not really, she’s got annoyed a few times but that’s it. She did say she was angry that her transgendered friend ended the friendship due to his feelings for her, told me she did not think my feelings for her were that bad enough to end the friendship over and rather have them tell their feelings to her. I just told her my feelings for her started coming back when I heard she got a boyfriend and she kept saying she was really flattered, that was the end of it. I have no idea how she will react to THIS! Probably happy, she has been distancing the friendship and once it’s over she can not worry about me anymore.December 17, 2019 at 5:23 pm #328281
I am glad she got annoyed once in a while, she is human after all.
You wrote to me: “I wonder how she will react? You seem to know how she responds to things well, you think she will be angry or anything?”-
My best answer: if she gets angry, she will get just a bit angry, that is, she will get annoyed, but her annoyance will not last long, it will be gone quickly. The moment she sees that mug you got her that Christmas, she will feel affection for you; she hears music you liked, she will think of you fondly; she sees one of the things made possible for her by you, and she will feel gratitude. She will hear someone say the words: I want you to be free, maybe in a movie, and she will remember that you said that to her, and she will feel choked up as she remembers.
She will not forget you and her memories of you will involve affection for you, appreciation of you, and gratitude to you.
anitaDecember 20, 2019 at 11:43 am #328747
I have barely been able to sleep for over a week, even when I sleep I am not sure I even sleep. I feel so drained, depressed, even at work I get teary eyed quite often and then again at home and I feel like I am losing myself and I can’t stop getting her out of my mind…sometimes I think I don’t want to let her go!!! other times I tell myself I have to, she doesn’t care that much about me which is why she has been distancing the friendship since that guy…I can’t stop thinking about the times we were close and how easy it was for her to throw it away.
What is this? a broken heart? it feels so bad! people at work are starting to ask if everything is ok with me and how pale and completly wiped I look. I just tell them I am tired. But my head spins and I feel dizzy and I feel my darkness is coming back and I am worthless and everyone is better off without me.December 20, 2019 at 12:27 pm #328759
“What is this? a broken heart?”- I think it is, a broken heart. You felt love for her for a long, long time. The thought of having no contact with her anymore, for good, is depressing you terribly. This is why every time you did cut contact with her, you renewed that contact.
Many songs were written and sung about broken hearts. Here is one: “Can’t live without your love and affection”, tell me what parts of it speak to you most, will you?
“Here she comes, mm, just like an angel.
Seems like forever that she’s been on my mind.
Nothing has changed, she thinks I’m a waste of her time.
There she goes.
No, she don’t know what she’s missing.
Can’t she see I’ll never give up the fight.
I’ll do all I can.
She understands my desire.
I’ve been on the outside looking in.
Let me into your heart.
Oh. There’s nothing on earth that should keep us apart.
Baby, I can’t live without your love and affection.
I can’t face another night on my own.
I’d give up my pride to save me from being alone,
’cause I can’t live without your love.
Oo your love.
So I wait, mm, here for an answer.
Wonder if tomorrow will be like this today.
I keep holding on, can’t go on living this way, baby.
I’ve been on the outside looking in.”
December 20, 2019 at 1:30 pm #328775
- This reply was modified 6 months, 2 weeks ago by anita.
Yes looks about right. She was the light in my darkness so in a way it was like an angel but I can live without her love.
I also wonder if it’s a wise choice to just end things for good, we have known each other so long. Perhaps I just need to tell her I am disappearing for a long while and when I am ready to come back I will reach out again. Then just block her and try and do other things and maybe one day many years later give it a retry and see if things, but obviously still tell her about her being my light in my darkness. If she says she hopes it’s short, i’ll just tell her it will be many many years.
The only thing is, what if she’s having a bad time recently? I can’t exactly tell her “Yo we can’t be friends anymore, sorry”.December 20, 2019 at 2:02 pm #328783
“She was the light in my darkness so in a way it was like an angel but I can live without her love”- like I wrote to you before, this thread is nothing less than a beautiful love story. You are the loving man in it, telling the story. So glad you can live without her love though (love should not be deadly, if it is, it is nor really love, I figure).
“I also wonder if it’s a wise choice to just end things for good”- I think it is not a wise choice to end things with her for good.
“Perhaps I just need to tell her I am disappearing for a long while and when I am ready to come back I will reach out again”- this is a better choice.
“If she says she hopes it’s short, I’ll just tell her it will be many many years”- better to not commit to a specific length of time, not to a month, a year, or many years. I would stick to “a long while” instead.
Do let me know how your day progresses and what happens next, will you?
*”what if she’s having a bad time recently? I can’t exactly tell her ‘We can’t be friends anymore, sorry'”- you mean when you talk to her next, before you block her?
anitaDecember 20, 2019 at 4:46 pm #328795
I am thinking about you, hoping you are okay. Please do your best to relax and sleep well tonight. (People out there need a rested Santa to deliver candy canes this Christmas!)
anitaDecember 28, 2019 at 8:06 pm #330001
I could not do it AGAIN! >:(
Short call (15 min), she was doing work with her guy. Told her before we got off the phone that if the darkness takes over that I hope her light shines so bright and leads her in the right direction and that years ago she was my light in my darkness and a reason for me to keep going when I was going through my dark time and that I hope she follows her happiness wherever it leads her and to not let anyone change who you are, not family/boyfriend/friends/strangers and I hope she has an amazing life journey and hope her and the guy are always there for eachother getting through everything together and to keep growing as a person and never stop and to always be successful in everything she does and of course to be free. Also that I wish her the best.
She kept saying “thank you” and was fighting back the tears you can tell and that we need a much longer call soon, that she did not like how short the call was. She’s gone to her family next week for a full week, then off to Florida to visit her boyfriends family for a few weeks and told me to call in Feb and she will tell me all about it. She said I am “such a good friend” and that she also feels bad she rarely sees me or talks to me, same with her daughters. But she’s doing her own thing now she told me and she’s happy she’s been losing her ex boyfriend and his crazy sister from her life and moving on. Also told me “you’ve been paying attention” when I told her how many days a week she works in her city. She also said “what you told me I also wish all that for you too, I really want you to be happy too”.
But the thing is…I FAILED!!!! AGAIN!!! I’ll never get rid of her so I can be free, i’ll always be tormented.December 28, 2019 at 9:07 pm #330005
“I’ll never get rid of her so I can be free. I’ll always be tormented”- free of.. needing another human being, needing someone who you can’t imagine being together with, together as a couple, a couple of close friends?
“People who need people” is in a famous song, you are people who need people. Everyone is people who need people. Always will be the case: we are all people who need people.
I will be back to the computer in about nine hours from now. I hope you sleep well, and I hope to read from you when I am back.