Dear Gaia, post #1:

In this post there will be quotes of what you shared. In the second post, I will be using all these quotes to form my current understanding.

Threads: “Feeling like something is wrong with me”, July 2016, “My suffering doesn’t make sense”, March 2018 thread, “Why can’t I be normal”, May 2018 thread, “My extreme feelings kill me”, September 2019 thread. In the previous threads you shared that you are volatile, that you are “Always monlogue with yourself about my life about my life”, that you feel okay sometimes but suddenly you become “hyper aware that there’s something really wrong or weird about myself.. I get panic, annoyance. One moment I’m ok and the other I feel and think something’s off”.

You started your current thread with: “I feel like I can never find peace or happiness in my life. And I highly suspect my mind and feelings play a big part in this, I can be utterly enraged, shamed and revengeful over nothing”. Later: “my inner world overwhelmed by violent thoughts and emotions… most often I can’t help but feel taken by intense overwhelming uncomfortableness, cringiness, discomfort. Sometimes it’s very very strong, even if it’s small talk or things like that… I had a very difficult time validating some of my pain because I didn’t feel like I was.. mistreated enough. It’s like I never truly belonged fully to a certain identity or center.. because I didn’t feel like I could define myself, who I am and what happens to me, or what’s wrong with me”.

About your mother, you wrote: “I dread spending time alone with her, I just have this irrational repulsive feeling at the idea she might try to do deep conversations and inquire about me… I also low key resent her for making me less carefree… I don’t like to feel like some kind of nutcase or internally dark or f*** up… she go to act like a psychologist trying to make deep heavy sessions out of people… I’m already pretty heavy myself and I’d like lighter, positive interactions about life and things”.

Yesterday, Dec 23, you wrote: “these days have been really intense for me and I exactly don’t why… I don’t know what’s happening to myself, I try to make sense of how I feel and why I’m in pain internally and can’t give myself a proper answer… It’s just too random and extreme for me to make sense of it… Sorry if nothing of this makes sense, I can’t give it sense”.

About your mother you wrote yesterday: “I remember as a child we were alone driving in car and out of the blue I asked her if I was different from others. This started a very heavy, long discussion in which she .. kept on this topic til we got home and I got to bed and I can recall her in the end asking what is that I needed,  ‘maybe a more present, stay-in home mom?’ I can also only remember that in my opinion I asked a very innocent simple question but that she kept on dwelling on this half the day”.

You wrote that you remember one summer night you came home late  from a party and her reaction was: “Crying like something tragic and serious happened while to me it just wasn’t that big deal”. You wrote more about her physical expressions, facial and tone of voice: “doing tragic facial expressions, crying.. moaning.. about (her) tone: grave, corny, serious, very emotionally charged, maybe dark.. a tragic, grave and emotionally charged tone”.

anita