Dear Gaia, post #2:

There was nothing wrong with the girl that you were. Sitting in the car with your mother that day, you asked her a question, out of the blue, spontaneously, a question that probably all teenagers have in their mind from time to time: am I different from other people?

What older child/ teenager doesn’t ask this question? I doubt there is a single one. I am emphasizing here the fact that probably every teenager asks this question. It is not out of the ordinary to ask this question. Instead, it is very ordinary to ask this question.

The way your mother responded to your ordinary question was as if your question was very wrong, abnormal, extreme, and unusual. Your brain registered “her tragic, grave and emotionally charged” tone of voice and facial expressions, her “internally dark.. heavy” thoughts she expressed to you for hours that day, all based on one ordinary question.

Now, let’s rewind a bit: you asked a question: am I different from others. This question is a thought. What your mother taught you that day was that a thought can be tragic, grave, emotionally charged,  that is, powerful, scary, internally dark and very heavy.

This is the lesson that she taught you that day (the short paragraph right above), but not only on that particular day, but before and after, on  many occasions, different times, different situations.

The result: you are currently afraid of your own thoughts. Too many thoughts that spontaneously occur in your brain can cause that same devastation that you experienced with her.

Just like the question you asked her was normal but she taught you that it was very wrong and abnormal—> many of your ordinary thoughts feel to you as if they were abnormal. The result is that you feel “like something is wrong with me” and “Why can’t I be normal“.

And because you believe that your ordinary thoughts are extreme,  your feelings are truly extreme, “My extreme feelings kill me”.

Sometimes you feel okay, but too  soon, a thought pops up in your brain (as ordinarily happens to everyone) and you are back to feeling “that there’s something really wrong or weird about myself… I feel and think something’s off”. As a result, you panic and get angry.

“I can utterly enraged, shamed and revengeful over nothing”- correct: nothing really happens a whole lot of the time, except for thoughts.

You experience ordinary thoughts, “even if it’s small talk or things like that”, as overwhelming, intense, uncomfortable, “very very strong”.

And then, your intense suffering over your ordinary thoughts bring about angry, revengeful thoughts, thoughts that are ordinary for people who are angry, and you think these thoughts are further proof that you are indeed abnormal.

The first sentence of this thread is: “I feel like I can never find peace or happiness in my life. And I highly suspect my mind and feelings play a big part of this”- very insightful. But you can find peace and happiness when you form a new relationship with your thoughts. When you perceive your thoughts as they truly are: not powerful, not dangerous, not catastrophic.

As is, you live in an “internally dark or f*** up” mental world. Your thoughts are like monsters who torture you. But they are not monsters, you only see them that way. When you see your thoughts as… just thoughts, powerless mental events, you will no longer live with monsters. Then there will be some peace and quiet in that internal world of yours.

For a child, her mother is her mirror. You had ordinary thoughts but your mirror showed you abnormal, powerful, dangerous thoughts. That summer night when you got home late and she was “Crying like something tragic and serious happened”, what really happened in reality was that you came home late. What the mirror showed you was that something tragic happened. Same with your thoughts. What really happens when you think is .. nothing. But your mirror showed you that something tragic happens when you think.

A new relationship with your thoughts– how about this being your new year resolution. Your hope for that peaceful, light hearted life is in this resolution. It will not be easy, but in the context of this thread, I  will help you best I can, if you want it.

anita