Dear Nekoshema:

You wrote in your post to me that your mother will be visiting you next month, and that if you told her that you are not comfortable with her in your life (this is what your friend suggested that you tell her), then her response will be that she will probably hit you (“I know exactly what will happen, she.. probably hit me”), something she has done before.

You wrote that in the past, your panic attacks “caused my mother to hit me and tell me to ‘stop making a scene'”, something she has done repeatedly (“Later, rinse, repeat”).

Notice I am not mentioning your mother’s other behaviors, and I am not mentioning other family members because reads to me that you sort of multi task, cognitively, that is: your thoughts are all over the place, involving multiple people and topics. So what I am doing is pointing a figurative flashlight on limited parts of the whole full-of-people-and-details picture that you presented.

Here is my input then: if you are still afraid that your mother will hit you, it is a no-brainer that you shouldn’t be in her company at all, and like your friend suggested, you should not have her visit you in your home.

It is also clear to me at this point that even though you are tickled by the fact that your flirtatious friendship with your friend bothers his new girlfriend/ our co-worker whom you greatly dislike, and even though you are very flattered by his attention to you and his expressed preference of you over the woman you dislike, it is better that you end your friendship with him in a .. friendly kind of way. It is a better choice because your flirtatious relationship with this man is troubling to your fiancé, soon to be husband.

You and your soon to be husband should be a team.  The team is the inner circle that should be your top priority. Keep in your life the people who benefit the team and keep out of your life the people that harm the team. Because your friend has harmed your soon-to-be husband, he has harmed the team.

anita