Dear Sofioula:

I studied our previous communication on your previous threads. I found the June-July exchange of this year most valuable. First a summary: Back in December 2017, at 23, you had your first date with a man. The third date with him was “the most amazing day of my life”, you wrote. “He said that we’re a couple, he introduced me to  his friends, was always dancing with me, hugging and kissing me”. During your relationship with him, the two of you “texted all day everyday”, he complimented you, praised you, said he was sad when you were sad, “We would kiss, touch and hug constantly.. He would hold my hand constantly whilst driving”, and he told you that he loved you.

But his status on social media throughout the relationship was Single.  He had a car but didn’t offer to bring you to his place and instead, you took 3 busses and walked a whole lot so to arrive at his place on the days and times that were convenient to him. When you stayed over at his place Sat night, he had an alarm clock set for early Sun morning because he wanted you to leave early. “He used to lie about things”, you wrote, and gave an example: “A lipstick stained glass I found at his place, saying it was his mom’s”. One time you were very ill, feverish, and in his place, and yet, he didn’t offer to give you a ride back home. Instead, you took the 3 busses back home. When you got home that night, you texted him that you “love him so much and.. was so lucky to have him”.

During the relationship, you “cooked for him, did his pile of dishes and gave him massages every single week”. You told him that you loved flowers. And yet, he never offered you a single flower.

Sexually, this  man was your first. You wrote: “I enjoy and adore being submissive and/ or mistreated.. Liking the man to get off his sexual tension on me with rage.. Explode, burst.. angry at sex.. violent (not to the point of harming me tho) is what I find sexy.. My role is to accept all of it and to obey his needs. Kind of like a rugdoll… I .. like to be active but only for the part of his pleasure…I really enjoy being restrained”.

But it is not he who introduced this type of sexual dynamic to you, and reads to me he wasn’t that fond of it himself. Neither was it a man prior to him who introduced this dynamic to you (this man was your first).

On Dec 15, 2018, following a year of this relationship, you told him that in 2-3 years,  you want “to start a family and get married”. His response was that he didn’t see you as the one, that the two of you will break up eventually, and that you “would be a great mother and wife for another man”. You broke up with him but you kept calling him and he called you. Sometime in later December, you “called him to give him one last chance”, and he “yelled and screamed ” at you, told you that he doesn’t have time for you, you then called him again Dec 25, 2017 and he “said we’re over”.

You described submissive behaviors with other people as well. In April this year, you wrote: “Previously (like a month ago) I wouldn’t even stand up for myself, knowing I was wronged or mistreated. Even when a stranger pushed me on the street for example, I wouldn’t say anything, not wanting to be rude”. You have given and given to friends who didn’t reciprocate, being used, and you wrote: “I am easy prey for the hunters out there”.

About your childhood, you shared that your sister was “FULL of anger and explosive behaviors and your parents’ “main preoccupation.. the center of my parents’ attention”, while you were “the exact opposite, the obedient one, the selfless in order to be a priority”. Your parents communicated to you that unlike your sister, you don’t need their attention, because you are strong. “I don’t want to always have to be strong. But no one actually believes I’m low when I am.. And when I truly am helpless, they don’t get it”.

And now, some of my understanding today: seems to me that in addition to submissiveness being your familial role as a child, a role that continued into your young adulthood (we discussed this in your June thread), the reason you find appeal in  being sexually submissive, being restrained and obedient to the man,  is in this sentence that you wrote regarding your parents: “when I truly am helpless, they don’t get it”, and in these sentences: “I don’t want to always have to be strong. But no one actually believes I’m low when I am”.

I think that throughout the years of your childhood, you wanted your parents to see you being weak, what you referred to as “low”, and as “helpless”. Because you needed their help, you needed them to  pick you up, so that you are no longer low. It is a craving, to be seen as weak, low, helpless. It is a social and sexual craving.

What I wrote just above is my new understanding of today. Please tell me what you think of  it, and if you want, I hope we can communicate further here, on your new thread.

anita