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  • #329419
    Sofioula
    Participant

    Hello again,

    I’m really bad right now. I think I’m going to kill myself. I can’t get him off my mind. I miss him even one year after. Today was going to be our 2 year anniversary. I miss him. I’m a failure. I tried to hard. I tried, i can’t. Please help me.

    #329425
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sofioula:

    July 9 this year, you wrote: “I’ve been ‘sober’ from my ex consistently now.. I feel I was born recently. It literally feels I’m alive, that I just landed on this place and body… It’s plain reality and it feels so damn good!!!.. negative emotions don’t shake you, rather they are shaping you”.

    Less than six months later, this Christmas Day, I believe it is the anniversary of your relationship, those negative emotions are shaking you today.

    Those emotions shook you before, you recovered and today, they are shaking you again. Don’t be alarmed. It is the shaking of an aftershock. It’s not the original earthquake. It will not last as long as the original. Calm down, take deep breaths, stop the panic, and you will see: you will feel better.

    It is the anniversary of the relationship, isn’t it?

    anita

    #329437
    Sofioula
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Dear anita,</p>
    I have calmed down significantly. My sister helped me through it. I was close to cutting my wrists. It was a very close call. I don’t know what got me! It was psychotic almost.

    All these months I was so sober. Yes with a few exceptions, but mild things AND in fact, I was about to update all of you of my “great” progress. I’m a complete fool.

    Yes it’s the anniversary of our past relationship. All day, nobody remembered me, to send holiday greetings and such. I felt so alone. And then IT HIT ME soooo strong… For one year I am sexless (sorry for the tmi here), without a companion and lately, all my “friends” vanished. I feel lost. And all those “what ifs” with him drive me insane. I did a facebook search on him, I haven’t done this since – i don’t even remember. I found out that on a day we were together he went on a friends gathering (as always) without me and did not even tell me, on a Saturday actually.

    Anita, I’m scrambled eggs, my brain… Sorry ??

    #329441
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sofioula:

    Don’t worry about being scrambled eggs. I am glad you are feeling much better. I need to be away from the computer for a few hours. Sometime later today or tomorrow morning, I want to re-read your previous posts so to understand better what is going on with you. If you can, please add any information that might help me understand better what happened in that relationship, prior relationships, relationships with parents, and so  forth. I don’t remember if we talked about psychotherapy/ counseling?

    I will be back in a few hours. Have a .. Merrier Christmas, merrier than what it was earlier!

    anita

    #329571
    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Sofioula,

    If you really do feel suicidal then you need to seek professional help.  Your doctor may be able to prescribe antidepressants and recommend other therapies.  You have your sister to help you.  Perhaps it would have been your anniversary but that hasn’t happened.  It’s easy to feel emotional at Christmas.  It happens to the best of us.

    You are not a failure just because one relationship didn’t work out.  Two people didn’t make this relationship work.  You need to work on your self-belief, self-esteem, self worth.  Learn to love yourself.  Take this failed relationship and use it as a springboard to create a better future for yourself.  Tell yourself how brilliant you are and list all your good qualities or the good deeds you do for others.  What did you love to do as a child that you may have neglected as an adult.  Bring these things back into being and move forward with a positive frame of mind.  Counteract every negative thought by replacing it with a positive thought.  Make your mind up that you are going to have a very happy new year and begin today to create that.

    With best wishes

    Peggy

    #329593
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sofioula:

    I studied our previous communication on your previous threads. I found the June-July exchange of this year most valuable. First a summary: Back in December 2017, at 23, you had your first date with a man. The third date with him was “the most amazing day of my life”, you wrote. “He said that we’re a couple, he introduced me to  his friends, was always dancing with me, hugging and kissing me”. During your relationship with him, the two of you “texted all day everyday”, he complimented you, praised you, said he was sad when you were sad, “We would kiss, touch and hug constantly.. He would hold my hand constantly whilst driving”, and he told you that he loved you.

    But his status on social media throughout the relationship was Single.  He had a car but didn’t offer to bring you to his place and instead, you took 3 busses and walked a whole lot so to arrive at his place on the days and times that were convenient to him. When you stayed over at his place Sat night, he had an alarm clock set for early Sun morning because he wanted you to leave early. “He used to lie about things”, you wrote, and gave an example: “A lipstick stained glass I found at his place, saying it was his mom’s”. One time you were very ill, feverish, and in his place, and yet, he didn’t offer to give you a ride back home. Instead, you took the 3 busses back home. When you got home that night, you texted him that you “love him so much and.. was so lucky to have him”.

    <span style=”display: inline !important; float: none; background-color: #ffffff; color: #333333; cursor: text; font-family: Georgia,’Times New Roman’,’Bitstream Charter’,Times,serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;”>During the relationship, you “cooked for him, did his pile of dishes and gave him massages every single week”. You told him that you loved flowers. And yet, he never offered you a single flower.</span>

    Sexually, this  man was your first. You wrote: “I enjoy and adore being submissive and/ or mistreated.. Liking the man to get off his sexual tension on me with rage.. Explode, burst.. angry at sex.. violent (not to the point of harming me tho) is what I find sexy.. My role is to accept all of it and to obey his needs. Kind of like a rugdoll… I .. like to be active but only for the part of his pleasure…I really enjoy being restrained”.

    But it is not he who introduced this type of sexual dynamic to you, and reads to me he wasn’t that fond of it himself. Neither was it a man prior to him who introduced this dynamic to you (this man was your first).

    On Dec 15, 2018, following a year of this relationship, you told him that in 2-3 years,  you want “to start a family and get married”. His response was that he didn’t see you as the one, that the two of you will break up eventually, and that you “would be a great mother and wife for another man”. You broke up with him but you kept calling him and he called you. Sometime in later December, you “called him to give him one last chance”, and he “yelled and screamed ” at you, told you that he doesn’t have time for you, you then called him again Dec 25, 2017 and he “said we’re over”.

    You described submissive behaviors with other people as well. In April this year, you wrote: “Previously (like a month ago) I wouldn’t even stand up for myself, knowing I was wronged or mistreated. Even when a stranger pushed me on the street for example, I wouldn’t say anything, not wanting to be rude”. You have given and given to friends who didn’t reciprocate, being used, and you wrote: “I am easy prey for the hunters out there”.

    About your childhood, you shared that your sister was “FULL of anger and explosive behaviors and your parents’ “main preoccupation.. the center of my parents’ attention”, while you were “the exact opposite, the obedient one, the selfless in order to be a priority”. Your parents communicated to you that unlike your sister, you don’t need their attention, because you are strong. “I don’t want to always have to be strong. But no one actually believes I’m low when I am.. And when I truly am helpless, they don’t get it”.

    And now, some of my understanding today: seems to me that in addition to submissiveness being your familial role as a child, a role that continued into your young adulthood (we discussed this in your June thread), the reason you find appeal in  being sexually submissive, being restrained and obedient to the man,  is in this sentence that you wrote regarding your parents: “when I truly am helpless, they don’t get it”, and in these sentences: “I don’t want to always have to be strong. But no one actually believes I’m low when I am”.

    I think that throughout the years of your childhood, you wanted your parents to see you being weak, what you referred to as “low”, and as “helpless”. Because you needed their help, you needed them to  pick you up, so that you are no longer low. It is a craving, to be seen as weak, low, helpless. It is a social and sexual craving.

    What I wrote just above is my new understanding of today. Please tell me what you think of  it, and if you want, I hope we can communicate further here, on your new thread.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 8 months, 3 weeks ago by anita.
    #329597
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sofioula: (this is an edited copy of the above post, for an easier reading)

    I studied our previous communication on your previous threads. I found the June-July exchange of this year most valuable. First a summary: Back in December 2017, at 23, you had your first date with a man. The third date with him was “the most amazing day of my life”, you wrote. “He said that we’re a couple, he introduced me to  his friends, was always dancing with me, hugging and kissing me”. During your relationship with him, the two of you “texted all day everyday”, he complimented you, praised you, said he was sad when you were sad, “We would kiss, touch and hug constantly.. He would hold my hand constantly whilst driving”, and he told you that he loved you.

    But his status on social media throughout the relationship was Single.  He had a car but didn’t offer to bring you to his place and instead, you took 3 busses and walked a whole lot so to arrive at his place on the days and times that were convenient to him. When you stayed over at his place Sat night, he had an alarm clock set for early Sun morning because he wanted you to leave early. “He used to lie about things”, you wrote, and gave an example: “A lipstick stained glass I found at his place, saying it was his mom’s”. One time you were very ill, feverish, and in his place, and yet, he didn’t offer to give you a ride back home. Instead, you took the 3 busses back home. When you got home that night, you texted him that you “love him so much and.. was so lucky to have him”.

    During the relationship, you “cooked for him, did his pile of dishes and gave him massages every single week”. You told him that you loved flowers. And yet, he never offered you a single flower.</span>

    Sexually, this  man was your first. You wrote: “I enjoy and adore being submissive and/ or mistreated.. Liking the man to get off his sexual tension on me with rage.. Explode, burst.. angry at sex.. violent (not to the point of harming me tho) is what I find sexy.. My role is to accept all of it and to obey his needs. Kind of like a rugdoll… I .. like to be active but only for the part of his pleasure…I really enjoy being restrained”.

    But it is not he who introduced this type of sexual dynamic to you, and reads to me he wasn’t that fond of it himself. Neither was it a man prior to him who introduced this dynamic to you (this man was your first).

    On Dec 15, 2018, following a year of this relationship, you told him that in 2-3 years,  you want “to start a family and get married”. His response was that he didn’t see you as the one, that the two of you will break up eventually, and that you “would be a great mother and wife for another man”. You broke up with him but you kept calling him and he called you. Sometime in later December, you “called him to give him one last chance”, and he “yelled and screamed ” at you, told you that he doesn’t have time for you, you then called him again Dec 25, 2017 and he “said we’re over”.

    You described submissive behaviors with other people as well. In April this year, you wrote: “Previously (like a month ago) I wouldn’t even stand up for myself, knowing I was wronged or mistreated. Even when a stranger pushed me on the street for example, I wouldn’t say anything, not wanting to be rude”. You have given and given to friends who didn’t reciprocate, being used, and you wrote: “I am easy prey for the hunters out there”.

    About your childhood, you shared that your sister was “FULL of anger and explosive behaviors and your parents’ “main preoccupation.. the center of my parents’ attention”, while you were “the exact opposite, the obedient one, the selfless in order to be a priority”. Your parents communicated to you that unlike your sister, you don’t need their attention, because you are strong. “I don’t want to always have to be strong. But no one actually believes I’m low when I am.. And when I truly am helpless, they don’t get it”.

    And now, some of my understanding today: seems to me that in addition to submissiveness being your familial role as a child, a role that continued into your young adulthood (we discussed this in your June thread), the reason you find appeal in  being sexually submissive, being restrained and obedient to the man,  is in this sentence that you wrote regarding your parents: “when I truly am helpless, they don’t get it”, and in these sentences: “I don’t want to always have to be strong. But no one actually believes I’m low when I am”.

    I think that throughout the years of your childhood, you wanted your parents to see you being weak, what you referred to as “low”, and as “helpless”. Because you needed their help, you needed them to  pick you up, so that you are no longer low. It is a craving, to be seen as weak, low, helpless. It is a social and sexual craving.

    What I wrote just above is my new understanding of today. Please tell me what you think of  it, and if you want, I hope we can communicate further here, on your new thread.

    anita

    #329785
    Sofioula
    Participant

    Dear Peggy,

    Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me.

    It is true maybe, Christmas and generally, all holidays and gatherings are too much to bear, especially for lonely, emotional and sensitive people. I wish I could love myself more, or better at least. I`m better 2 days straight now.

    You said it right, it takes two people in relationship to make it fail or work out. Ive been blaming myself, caring the cross alone for too long. Living with the unbearable "what-ifs", perception of mistakes and failures, hung by the hook for societal norms, childhood traumas and a particular obscure fixation for inner drama. Let him have all the blame. I cant worry anymore on being fair to him and looking at my mistakes. Hell, its been too long and too painful. If it makes me a bad person or a b*tch or a sinner, Im ready for all of it. It takes my pain away, I`ll gladly do it for now on.

    I wish you the merriest of Holidays and an fruitful new year. Namaste.

    #329797
    Sofioula
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Im sorry I took my sweet time replying to you. Seems that 2019 wants to exhaust me to death and what not. My dad suddendly had severe bleeding and we were in the hospital. Now hes fine and stable thank The Lord.

    As for me, Im recovering and can say Im pretty well actually. For how long – I cannot say. I found out my ex blocked me on viber (I didnt text him or anything) and... it felt awesome! Am I sadistic or what? Its like, I got the “final” answer from him. All the ifs, became irrelevant and in that moment, we TRULY split up. The last straw of my hope, my dreams and fixations broke into pieces. It liberated me. But I sound hypocritical, because I said this so many times in the past. I HOPE, I PRAY THE FEELING LASTS. But most likely it will. Its like he came down from that pedastal I had him on. Hes like my inferior and Im like -eh. Its sounds pretty bad, pretty b*tchy, but its with good intetions (and he deserves it 100%).

    So from your reply, my situation does boil down from my submissiveness. Stockholm syndrome with anyone that mistreats me or any situation that keeps my drama on. I can get that. I acknowlegde that, its true down to a T. I have a massive fixation with being true, loyal, right, honest, helpful and thats great right? No. Because its wrong when you do it for the wrong people and its harmful when you push yourself 24/7, 24 hours a day. This “sainthood” is driving me insane. I want to make mistakes anf be wrong and be loud and so on. On Christmas day, after I posted here and my sister had calmedme down, I went out, drunk more than I let myself usually (2 drinks), I smoked, danced and sang like a schoolgirl. It felt right, it felt needed and I will give me permission to do  it as much as I can. I know my limits, but I also need to learn my freedom.

    As for my ex, let him have all the blame. I let him be the bad guy, because he is. I feared the moment my sweet little angel will fall down at my eyes. He was trash. I`m not vindictive ever. But honest to God, I feel no remorse hating him right now.

    I choose to pick up a new hobby, making jewerly which I always wanted to do. I got rid of all my moody music and will try to surround myself with as much positivity as I can. Im a fighter. Im strong d@mn it. I deserve things in life because I fought and worked so hard for everything I have. I will get back to the sunshine girl I used to be.

    The submissive girl inside me needs her boss, her ruler, her rules, her strict and violent behaviors. Thats why I have this obsession with my ex or having to have a relationship. I cant control myself so I need my  “bad guy”. Its sexy and all that, but more than that, its an abuse. Others abuse drugs, alchohol etc. I abuse mistreatment and/or drama. Most of the times even self inflicted. I wanted to start counseling but last spring I had a therapist that didn`t help me one bit. It was all chatting. I will make another attempt, because I also started to notice intrusive thoughts (mostly sexual and/or violent) and might be on the spectrum of ocd or ptsd of some sort (people noticed that first about me).

    I would like your opinion on this since Im a  newbie to therapy and dont know what kind of therapy I should go after. Meaning what could be more beneficial: psychotherapy, psychoanalysis, cognitive therapy etc?

    From the bottom of my heart, thank you once more.

     

    #329801
    Sofioula
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Some more thoughts on why I have these downfalls of emotions from time to time.

    The reasons why I feel awful are:

    • girls around me having partners (and/or parading their relationships and how amazing they are)
    • girls around me having friends and I don`t</li>
      <li>girls around me having succeful social media “lives”</li>
      <li>girls around me looking super confident</li>
      <li>girls around me having all these amazing hobbies</li>
      <li>girls around me living on their own in amazing homes etc.</li>
      <li>seeing couples on the street and on tv</li>
      </ul>
      I might be jealous or envy. But I dont think I am. I just deeply believe I will never have another chance in love, or ever be able to have a fullfilling relationship, a loving boyfriend, unstoppable confidence and so on. I fear I will always be friendless, loveless and just a "beggar". Always getting the sort end of the stick. Why? I dont understand. Everyone says Im too beautiful for all that - whatever that means. Still, my good looks never got me anything. It was my hard work. And at times I feel lifes been super unfair to me. Dont I deserve a warm hug? A loving man by my side? Holidays and weekends and dates and sex for Godsake ? Whats the stopping agent to all that. And thus, thinking about all that, I get depressed.

      My sister says that I wrongly persive that everyones living amazingly 24/7 and the lives Im jealous of are 50% exaggerated self promotion and 50% boring routine. Maybe she`s right…

    #329809
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sofioula:

    Your two recent posts’ format is not clear, but I’ll do my best replying.

    You wrote: “I will get back to the sunshine girl I used to be”-I remember that you shared that in public, from the outside, you look like a care free girl. As I understand it, this is your family role, the-strong-one, the one with-no-problems, all that is opposite to your sister.

    Don’t go back to that kind of sunshine-girl, that is, to your family role. Because you are not the opposite of your sister, you are not perfectly strong and problem and mistake free. No one is. You are only human.

    Learn to no longer be true to this family role/ image. Instead, learn to be true to the real person in you, underneath the role and image, the one who is not only strong, but also weak;  the one who needs help sometimes.

    You wrote: “This ‘sainthood’ is driving me insane. I want to make mistakes and be wrong and be loud and so on”- you want to be the real you, the authentic you, not the family role you were given, that image of strong, problem-free, mistake-free, perfect, a saint, all good, all strong, all… impossible.

    “I know my limits, but I also need to learn my freedom”- your freedom to be… you, weak and strong, sometimes sad and scared and angry, sometimes troubled, sometimes in need of help.

    You wrote that you “started to notice intrusive thoughts (mostly sexual and/ or violent) and might be on the spectrum of ocd and ptsd of some sort”, and that you are re-considering therapy (I was reminded as I read your posts yesterday of that celebrity therapist you saw).

    My input: my first effective psychotherapy/ counseling was with a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT)who used Mindfulness in combination to his expertise, which was CBT. The emphasis of this kind of therapy is on the Now, using information from the past for the purpose of helping you better function in the here-and-now.

    Psychoanalysis can be interesting, but if it is not connected to your practical current living, I don’t think that it is useful.

    -It is important that you don’t rush to feel  good by being overly optimistic, pretending that all is fine too soon, that you are over this man or that your problems have been resolved. Be realistic, humble- healing will take time and work. Do not seek help from the family members who placed you in that role, a role that is harming you. You need freedom from that role, not a reminder of it, or further investment in it.

    Do  post again anytime you want to post. I will do my best to be helpful to you in the context of this thread, as a member here.

    anita

     

     

    #329813
    anita
    Participant

    * I noticed you posted another post- will you  please edit it and resubmit it without those boxes that interfere with clarity?

    anita

    #330307
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sofioula:

    I hope it’s been a bit Uphill for you, has it been..  how are you?

    anita

    #330377
    Nekoshema
    Participant

    [I don’t know your whole story with this person so I’m just commenting on what you’ve posted here]

    You’re not a failure. I know all too well that feeling, but trust me, you’re not. You’ve been sober for some time, that’s not nothing. You may have slipped, but you got back up. That means you’re not a failure. You keep going, which makes you strong. My godmother was an alcoholic, in her depressed states she would slip, but she would try again. I can say a failure is someone who refuses to try. Personally, when I feel like this, I have an inspirational playlist to listen to [granted, it’s mostly Pink songs, but she’s always inspired me]

    I also understand your loneliness. Nobody talks to you, you feel forgotten and left out. However,  sometimes we need to reach out. Life gets in the way, and sometimes people get use to not texting/calling [especially with the stress of the holidays] and I know it can feel like you’re always reaching out, but makes you the stronger person. You care, and if you make it a point to talk at the same time each week, it will become a habit the other person will want to continue. Remember, there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Seek out new connections, new friends, new hobbies. I spent years only being at work or at home, rarely texting or seeing old friends or family. Earlier this year a regular at my work invited me to the movies and we’ve become amazing friends and hang out once a week. I’m saying, as scary as it is, perhaps take a step out of your comfort zone and try a hobby or meet one new person. They don’t have to be a potential romantic partner [I feel you should heal first] but to have someone help bring that joy back into your life is paramount.

    As for this person, I know they seem like a big deal, but you can love yourself. You don’t need anyone. If it’s meant to be, they will return, but only after you have grown and healed. Otherwise, history will repeat itself. If they don’t return, it simply means there’s someone greater waiting for you. Focus on the good, talk to a therapist, work to grow, keep going. I know it sucks right now, especially when you’re in the dark place, but keep going, and you’ll find the light at the end. [I know that’s cliche, but it’s true. We all need to remind ourselves when things are terrible, there is sunshine ahead]

    love and light to you

    #330407
    Sofioula
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    The past few days I havent touched my laptop at all. My father was rushed into the hospital on the 27th due to uncontrollable bleeding. He will spend the New Years inside the hospital. So, Im all over the place, physically exhausted from all the things I have to do, from absolutely 0% free time, work and all. Mentally yeah, Im exhausted and sad too. Sad for my dad and mom who hasn`t left his side. But on the other hand, I think, this is God speaking.

    I realized I have been crying over my insecurities, my persived or even real inadequacies, mourning over the fact that Im simply single and live a normal routine. And mourning over my ex. Heres what I found out:

    – I never actually paused to deeply understand my achievements. That younger, teen Sofia would die to have my life, educationa and job sorted out, to be attractive and have fun outside whenever she wanted. To persue the hobbies she wanted. My financial freedom and even, as superficial as it can get – how desired I am by the other sex.

    – I thought everyday should be awesome, having fun, having a ton of friends and a super bf to be accomplished and agreable to your peers, society and family. Not even tv stars live like this. Not everybody has to have all these things. If instagram doesn`t approve, it can kindly “make-love-to-itself”.

    -I never took any REAL notice of how  in one year, I go on so many dates and get asked by so many men that some girls have in their whole lifetime. I should really be more respectful of my abillities and my “achievements”, since I worked hard to be where I am today.

    – I took having a job for granted. God blessed me and Ive never been jobless or had any hardship finding a job. True, Im not too picky, but it is important. Other brothers and sister don`t even own a roof.

    -I took my folks for granted. Any since they are in the hospital, I feel so ashamed I never got to express to them how much they mean to me. But I`ll try my best to change that hopefully this year.

    -I detached my ex from my loneliness. The one triggered the other and to be frank, its love I miss, having a partner, having that connection and sexual intimacy. But Im not going to kill my dreams for a relationship. I want to choose a good man this time.

    –>”your freedom to be… you, weak and strong, sometimes sad and scared and angry, sometimes troubled, sometimes in need of help”, exactly. The sunshine girl is like that. Its the beam of light, having all its colors out, both positive and negative but- with faith that eveything will be fine, with positivity. I won`t go back to shutting down my emotions again, or discriminate against them, no. But I have to find my courage back to fight another fight, to love all aspects of life, even the bad ones.

    I tend to get too optimistic. At this stage of my life, the past days, I feel a “good” numness.Maybe I chilled. Maybe I did dig a deep hole for my ex. I cant take him with me in 2020. I deny him, its been so long.

     

    The other post I posted was basically to say that I get triggered, or jealous of other peoples (mainly girls in relationships) lives, where before, I was soooo happy about them. Even when I was still a virgin and not attractive. That changed when I broke up. I try to practice being grateful and detach their gains with my pains ahaha. As for therapy, I`m still on the fence about it from my previous experience, but not unwilling. I will definitely look into it more deeply.

    So sorry for the painfully long reply, but I had so many things to say! And you helped my extract so many thig out of my head. Thank you, truly.

     

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