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This topic contains 37 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 week, 1 day ago.

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  • #330411

    Sofioula
    Participant

    Just realized, those boxes appeared again…

    #330423

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sofioula:

    Good to read back from you. I wonder why your father has been bleeding, if  his bleeding is under control and the underlying issue (the cause of the bleeding) being treated. I hope he heals soon.

    “I thought everyday should be awesome, having fun, having ton of friends and a super bf, to be accomplished and agreeable to your peers, society and family. Not even tv stars live like this”- this is why Heaven was invented, a perfect place of perfect happiness, because there is no such place, and no such life experience on Earth.

    Having unrealistic expectations of how life should feel will make you depressed, because a heavenly state of constant good-feeling is impossible. Correct your expectations and you will feel better.

    It is a good thing that you are educated and employed, that you’ve “never been jobless or had any hardship finding a job”, that you are physically attractive and pleasing to the eye, and it is a very good thing that you “want to choose a good man this time”- good to read this!

    Here is another thing that is good for me to read: “I won’t go back to shutting down my emotions again, to discriminate against them, no”.

    You wrote that you need the courage “to love all aspects of life, even the bad ones”- there are aspects of life that are not lovable, it is not possible to love feeling hurt, scared, sad, or angry. We have to endure these feelings, not to love them; to be patient and say to ourselves: this hurt/fear/sad/ angry feeling is not forever. Soon I will feel better. And it is true, you will.

    Choose the middle ground (moderation)  between the sunshine girl and depressed girl, not feeling unrealistically optimistic on one hand, and not feeling heavily depressed on the other.

    Regarding feeling jealous of “mainly girls in relationships”, you are welcome to re-read your own account of the time you were in a relationship as well as hundreds of members who posted through the years about their misery while being in relationships, you will see that.. there is no such thing as heaven on Earth, relationship or not.

    I am looking forward to read from you again (no need to apologize for long posts, make them as long as you feel like).

    anita

    #335254

    Sofioula
    Participant

    This reply has been reported for inappropriate content.

    Dear Anita,

    Massive update. And, not in a particularly good way…

    Ive been silent all these days, coping with my dads health, managing a house on my own, the holidaysstress etc. On new years eve I left all the past behind. That door closed and my ex is a matter to laugh about these days, if at all. So all was going good, I was emotionally stable, my dad was doing great, the family got back to normal. And then it happened…

    I was out one night having a blast with my sister and met a guy. I was so shocked by him! I instantly felt hard ffor him. He danced with me and we talked. Then some red flags arised:

    1. he didnt have an education, saying he ate all his fathers money whilst joking around and lying he was studying.

    2. he doesnt have a stable or financially rewarding job, he also had so many crazy ideas about new careers that didt make sense.

    3. whilst we were dancing he tried to kiss me and I refused saying it was too early and it was.

    4. (so sorry for becoming explicit) whilst dancing he would draw me closer to him and his aroused male member, making it seem random, I hope you get the idea.

    But anyway, I was a sceptical but I thought maybe its because he had too much to drink. We exchanged numbers. My sister didnt like him with a fierce passion.

    Disclaimer: he doesn`t work from October to April, so he has all the time in the world, litterally.

    WEEK NO.1:

    We would talk all day everyday through texts for the first week and we went on coffee dates after my work, five out of the 7 days, him being the one to ask me out. He would be very courtious, sharing eveything about his life, opening doors for me, caring my bag, paying for everything, holding my hand even talking on the phone for the last goodninght. <strong>Some strange things were that he didn`t ask too many things about me, mostly he would ask about my day and my career and the other is that we would arrange plans to get together 1-2 hours before the actual date.On Saturday he asked if I wanted to come to his place and I denied because I felt it was too soon. The next day he took my for a driving lesson and then at coffee, he told me he was leaving for his country home to see his parents out of the blue. Then he pushed himself away from me saying he hated PAD in a very dictating fashion. I was sad, but he later apologized. He nicknamed me puppy because he said I was such a yes-girl.

    WEEK NO.2:

    Monday I didnt see him because he wanted to meet his friends, understandable. From Tuesday to Saturday he was away to his parents, sharing videos and photos with me also wanted to talk to me over the phone for goodnight. With the exeption he told me he would return on Friday, the changed his plans to Saturday and I got to know that because I asked. He gave me a bs explanation. But didnt make much of it, trying to calm my mind. I also asked if we were exclusively dating to which he agreed but he was sooooo cold. Everytime I talked to him either texting ore phone, it seemed I talked to a friend, I could literally smell his emotional distance. On Saturday he returned and we had drinks and then at the back of his car we had a steamy encounter but I refused sex and he was pushing for it. He drove me home as always and I said: hey let`s go for lunch tomorrow!</em> He said maybe he has something to do with the boys but what if we had wine at his place later in the evening. To which I agreed and next day magically, all the boys were away and we could meet. We had sex, it was amazing. I knew it was too soon, but I needed it, after a year of no action. He then ordered chinese and we watched a movie, he drove me home, but his attitude was slightly changed. I could feel it. He said he was just sleepy.

    MAJOR PROBLEMS START: The next morning he didnt send me anything. I patiently waited but it was 2 in the afternoon and I feared I was ghosted. So I called him, he was sleeping and he was annoyed I asked him if things were ok between us and if he still wanted to see me. After that we texted but he was really cold and distand. Mind you, I asked (as freaking always, I hate myself for it) like a scared puppy, really politely. I even said sorry for inconviencing you. He said I make quick assumptions and that is a huge black dot on my character. That if it happens again, we wouldnt continue on. Tuesday he asked to see me but not after work as I wanted because the boiler would take hours to heat the water and he wanted to take a shower. What kind of boiler takes 3 hours? I knew it was bs but agreed to his terms. When we were out he was colder than ever. He did`t look me in the eyes as usual, he would downgrade my diplomas and make me fear my career future. He had a facebook message which he replyed to whilsht hiding his phone from me. I knew something was off. His kisses were faint and his holding my hand also. Out of the blue, totally emphatically he said he had to call his boss and also have a smoke. That never happened before and his : oh! I want to call my boss now... He went out twice to do that. Then he said lets go somewhere to be more intimate. He proposed his home but saying his siter was there and if it was a problem with me. I said no, thinking I would meet her. His sister was locked in her room, I never saw her. I told him I was menstruating and he got disappointed.

    The next two days I asked him out and he refused. The second being he had arranged to meet with his boss for beers and that if he was finishing early he would come pick me up for a car ride. My intuition, my gut, my whole being was screaming that something is reeeeally off. That he has another girl. I called him and being firm but calm, I asked for the truth and were we were at. He was turning my questions on me, making it seem I was needy for not being together everyday. I told him that this is absurd, of course we are not siamese and each of us has a life to live as well but denying your s.o. twice in a row to see them combined with the emotional ditachment was too much to leave unnoticed. Long story short he said we were just having fun and that it was too soon to know if he wanted to see me in the future oir even imply starting a relationship. I asked what he felt about me or us, not as in I love you etc. A simple I like you a lot and want to explore our connection more would surfice. He said he didt have any feelings for me, that sex meant nothing. Not even something shallow for the sake of it! He called the whole thing of saying I remind him of his ex, that he doesnt want to waste time. I asked for a final meet up, so that like grown ups we could sort things out. He denied and he didn`t even want to stay in touch but if he changes his mind he would call. Then he vanished.

    SOME SKETCHY FACTS ABOUT HIM:

    – He was obsessed with fire and arsony when he was young but he says that`s gone now.

    -He really likes poker and openly said that in the past he would play a lot of his dad`s money online.

    -He had souvenirs from his ex all over his place.

    -He confessed to have anger issues. His whole family having earned a nickname for that.

    -He is not in good terms with his dad after he wasted a good part of his money.

    – He would compliment my so little, that it was unhealthy. I don`t like compliments at all, but I understand that a level of admiration for your date is healthy and right. He would always try and fish out my admiration which I did admire him, but he wanted more.

    -He would cut me off when I was talking about my dreams and goals and insert his.

     

    Needless to say, all my loved ones didnt like him from day one. They warned me that he was a player and that the educational and financial gap was about to start creating problems. Men in my life were screaming that this was a huge mistake but I carried on, thinking the were just bigots. I feel so sad. I feel I lost a potentially good man since some girlfriends of mine said I rushed things. In my mind I was so zen and chill and I would have continued as such if it werent for my intuition. I just did`t want to willingly look the other way again, as I did with my ex and waste my time and heart again. But what if I made a mistake? Was I really pushing him? I agreed to all his terms, when and where we would go, my only requests being that we would text good morning/night texts because that makes me feel warm inside…What should I do? Did God as eveyone says send me a blessing in disguise by parting ways with him?

     

    #335258

    Sofioula
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Massive update. And, not in a particularly good way…

    Ive been silent all these days, coping with my dads health, managing a house on my own, the holidaysstress etc. On new years eve I left all the past behind. That door closed and my ex is a matter to laugh about these days, if at all. So all was going good, I was emotionally stable, my dad was doing great, the family got back to normal. And then it happened…

    I was out one night having a blast with my sister and met a guy. I was so shocked by him! I instantly felt hard ffor him. He danced with me and we talked. Then some red flags arised:

    1. he didnt have an education, saying he ate all his fathers money whilst joking around and lying he was studying.

    2. he doesnt have a stable or financially rewarding job, he also had so many crazy ideas about new careers that didt make sense.

    3. whilst we were dancing he tried to kiss me and I refused saying it was too early and it was.

    4. (so sorry for becoming explicit) whilst dancing he would draw me closer to him and his aroused male member, making it seem random, I hope you get the idea.

    But anyway, I was a sceptical but I thought maybe its because he had too much to drink. We exchanged numbers. My sister didnt like him with a fierce passion.

    Disclaimer: he doesn`t work from October to April, so he has all the time in the world, litterally.

    WEEK NO.1:

    We would talk all day everyday through texts for the first week and we went on coffee dates after my work, five out of the 7 days, him being the one to ask me out. He would be very courtious, sharing eveything about his life, opening doors for me, caring my bag, paying for everything, holding my hand even talking on the phone for the last goodninght. <strong>Some strange things were that he didn`t ask too many things about me, mostly he would ask about my day and my career and the other is that we would arrange plans to get together 1-2 hours before the actual date.On Saturday he asked if I wanted to come to his place and I denied because I felt it was too soon. The next day he took my for a driving lesson and then at coffee, he told me he was leaving for his country home to see his parents out of the blue. Then he pushed himself away from me saying he hated PAD in a very dictating fashion. I was sad, but he later apologized. He nicknamed me puppy because he said I was such a yes-girl.

    WEEK NO.2:

    Monday I didnt see him because he wanted to meet his friends, understandable. From Tuesday to Saturday he was away to his parents, sharing videos and photos with me also wanted to talk to me over the phone for goodnight. With the exeption he told me he would return on Friday, the changed his plans to Saturday and I got to know that because I asked. He gave me a bs explanation. But didnt make much of it, trying to calm my mind. I also asked if we were exclusively dating to which he agreed but he was sooooo cold. Everytime I talked to him either texting ore phone, it seemed I talked to a friend, I could literally smell his emotional distance. On Saturday he returned and we had drinks and then at the back of his car we had a steamy encounter but I refused sex and he was pushing for it. He drove me home as always and I said: hey let`s go for lunch tomorrow!</em> He said maybe he has something to do with the boys but what if we had wine at his place later in the evening. To which I agreed and next day magically, all the boys were away and we could meet. We had sex, it was amazing. I knew it was too soon, but I needed it, after a year of no action. He then ordered chinese and we watched a movie, he drove me home, but his attitude was slightly changed. I could feel it. He said he was just sleepy.</em>

    MAJOR PROBLEMS START: The next morning he didnt send me anything. I patiently waited but it was 2 in the afternoon and I feared I was ghosted. So I called him, he was sleeping and he was annoyed I asked him if things were ok between us and if he still wanted to see me. After that we texted but he was really cold and distand. Mind you, I asked (as freaking always, I hate myself for it) like a scared puppy, really politely. I even said sorry for inconviencing you. He said I make quick assumptions and that is a huge black dot on my character. That if it happens again, we wouldnt continue on. Tuesday he asked to see me but not after work as I wanted because the boiler would take hours to heat the water and he wanted to take a shower. What kind of boiler takes 3 hours? I knew it was bs but agreed to his terms. When we were out he was colder than ever. He did`t look me in the eyes as usual, he would downgrade my diplomas and make me fear my career future. He had a facebook message which he replyed to whilsht hiding his phone from me. I knew something was off. His kisses were faint and his holding my hand also. Out of the blue, totally emphatically he said he had to call his boss and also have a smoke. That never happened before and his : oh! I want to call my boss now... He went out twice to do that. Then he said lets go somewhere to be more intimate. He proposed his home but saying his siter was there and if it was a problem with me. I said no, thinking I would meet her. His sister was locked in her room, I never saw her. I told him I was menstruating and he got disappointed.

    The next two days I asked him out and he refused. The second being he had arranged to meet with his boss for beers and that if he was finishing early he would come pick me up for a car ride. My intuition, my gut, my whole being was screaming that something is reeeeally off. That he has another girl. I called him and being firm but calm, I asked for the truth and were we were at. He was turning my questions on me, making it seem I was needy for not being together everyday. I told him that this is absurd, of course we are not siamese and each of us has a life to live as well but denying your s.o. twice in a row to see them combined with the emotional ditachment was too much to leave unnoticed. Long story short he said we were just having fun and that it was too soon to know if he wanted to see me in the future oir even imply starting a relationship. I asked what he felt about me or us, not as in I love you etc. A simple I like you a lot and want to explore our connection more would surfice. He said he didt have any feelings for me, that sex meant nothing. Not even something shallow for the sake of it! He called the whole thing of saying I remind him of his ex, that he doesnt want to waste time. I asked for a final meet up, so that like grown ups we could sort things out. He denied and he didn`t even want to stay in touch but if he changes his mind he would call. Then he vanished.

    SOME SKETCHY FACTS ABOUT HIM:

    – He was obsessed with fire and arsony when he was young but he says that`s gone now.

    -He really likes poker and openly said that in the past he would play a lot of his dad`s money online.

    -He had souvenirs from his ex all over his place.

    -He confessed to have anger issues. His whole family having earned a nickname for that.

    -He is not in good terms with his dad after he wasted a good part of his money.

    – He would compliment my so little, that it was unhealthy. I don`t like compliments at all, but I understand that a level of admiration for your date is healthy and right. He would always try and fish out my admiration which I did admire him, but he wanted more.

    -He would cut me off when I was talking about my dreams and goals and insert his.

     

    Needless to say, all my loved ones didnt like him from day one. They warned me that he was a player and that the educational and financial gap was about to start creating problems. Men in my life were screaming that this was a huge mistake but I carried on, thinking the were just bigots. I feel so sad. I feel I lost a potentially good man since some girlfriends of mine said I rushed things. In my mind I was so zen and chill and I would have continued as such if it werent for my intuition. I just did`t want to willingly look the other way again, as I did with my ex and waste my time and heart again. But what if I made a mistake? Was I really pushing him? I agreed to all his terms, when and where we would go, my only requests being that we would text good morning/night texts because that makes me feel warm inside…What should I do? Did God as eveyone says send me a blessing in disguise by parting ways with him?

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 3 days ago by  Sofioula.
    #335260

    Sofioula
    Participant

    I’m really sorry about the inconvenient format with those boxes. I tried to post from both my pc and my phone and nothing works!

     

    And i also reported my own reply by accident. Turns out I cant even stand myself XD

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 3 days ago by  Sofioula.
    #335330

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sofioula:

    My summary of (and quotes from) your “Massive update”: “On new year’s eve I left al the past behind. That door closed… So.. I was emotionally stable”. Then you were out one night and met a guy and “instantly felt hard for him”, but he told you things that alarmed you, that he didn’t have an education, that he misused his father’s money to play poker online, that he doesn’t work for much of the year, etc.

    First week of getting to know him, you talked “all day everyday through texts” and went to coffee dates. He treated you well: opened doors for you, carrying your bag, paying for everything and so forth. “He nicknamed me puppy because he said I was such a yes-girl”; you “agreed to all his terms, when and where we would go”.

    Second week: he was away with his parents, sharing videos and photos with you. You asked him “if we were exclusively dating to which he agreed but was soooo cold.. I could literally smell his emotional distance”. When he returned from his stay with his parents, the two of you “had drinks and then at the back of his car we had a steamy encounter but I refused sex and he was pushing for it”. He then drove you home and you agreed to meet him the next evening for “wine at his place”. Next evening, the two of you “had sex, it was amazing”, he then ordered Chinese and you watched a movie.

    The next morning he didn’t contact you, so you called him in the afternoon, “he was sleeping and he was annoyed”. He was later “really cold and distant”. You asked him “if things were ok between us and if he still wanted to see me”. You asked him these questions  “Like a scared puppy, really politely.. said sorry for inconveniencing (him)”, and he told you that you are quick to make assumptions, he questioned your character and threatened, that “if it happens again, we wouldn’t continue on”.

    Later on you met and he “was colder than ever.. didn’t look me in the eyes.. downgrade my diplomas and make me fear my career future.. His kisses were faint and his holding my hands also”. The two days after, you asked him out and he refused. Later on he told you that “didn’t have any feelings for me, that sex meant nothing.. saying I remind him of his ex, that he doesn’t want to waste time”. You “asked for a final meetup.. he denied.. Then he vanished.

    My input today: you didn’t close the door on the past last New Year’s eve. You closed the door on your ex and opened the door for a new not-really-a-relationship. You took  on the submissive role we discussed before, the same-old role from before, deriving a particular pleasure from it, pleasure in acting sexually and otherwise very submissive to a man (we discussed this dynamic earlier at length).

    This new man, like the one before him, treated you well at first, being excited about being with you. I suppose you being very attractive physically (as you shared with me) is part of their initial excitement. But as you proceeded with your game, the two of them lost their excitement and withdrew from you.

    What you did with these men was not having relationships, but playing a game of submission. You derived pleasure from it, they didn’t.

    Look, it is possible for you to find a decent man and play a  dominant/ submissive game with him within the context of a healthy relationship, so that the game is not everything that is going on, but a limited, mutually respectful and responsible part of a relationship.

    What do you think about the suggestion I just made to you?

    anita

     

     

     

    #335340

    Sofioula
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I see what you did there. I thought of it myself all these days. My friends and family said the same. That although I may fear being pushing, I am actually a true pushover and a people pleaser. So, men test my limits whilst having fun and exploiting me.

    I would really like to STOP, just stop stop stop this. It’s eating me up. Submission is sexy to me, natural. I know we talked about it at length, I tired to even carry the thought that I remain as such. But every step to stand up for myself and be assertive seems like a full blown, rude revolution in my head.

    My dad and mom are starting to get worried sick. They want me to be a strong, independent woman and choose wisely and don’t allow sh*t to happen to me AND FEEL responsible and like the worst human being.

    Do you think he was a good man and I pushed him away? Am I overeating, am I really in my head? The what ifs and only ifs are torturing me.

    I think it’s the fear of missing out. But all the people around me are mad at the fact I always turn against myself, even with deadbeat loosers and players…

    Anita, my fear is I will always rely on someone to comfort my mind because I cannot silence the damn thing. I even booked a session with a new therapist this Friday evening. God’s a big help, the past is a good help, others people misery is a good help. I was reading all day long topics from the forum and articles here. i felt good and relieved, next hour, back to how I was. Can’t beat the devil can you?

    #335384

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Soufiola:

    Good psychotherapy for you is the answer, I believe. But this time attend quality psychotherapy, one with a caring, honest and responsible therapist who will work with you to go Uphill (from Downhill, the title of your thread). In therapy, look into how your Submissive Role was formed, in the context of your family when you were growing up. And change that role so it is no longer your MO in your relationships and interactions with people.

    “my fear is I will always rely on someone to comfort my mind because I cannot silence the damn thing“- to lower the volume of that powerful thing, your brain, it is possible that you need to see a doctor for psychiatric medication such as the frequently prescribed SSRI family of drugs, to take the edge off overthinking and distress.

    A combination of psychiatric medication and psychotherapy may be the answer for you at this point.

    I am glad you booked a therapy session for the coming Friday. I think it will be best if you can see (a good) therapist no less than twice per week for the first few months. I hope that you let me know how that works for you.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 3 days ago by  anita.
    #335476

    Sofioula
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Sorry for the delayed answer. Work has been hectic, but in a weird sense, cathartic as well. It gives me peace of mind. For a while at least.

    I`m really scared of the idea of medication in this moment. But I am open to the idea of alternative therapy such as volunteering, helping others, starting a hobby etc. Financially at this stage in my life I can support therapy multiple times per week, so I will go with your suggestion.

    Ever since that “breakup” happened, I cannot eat that well. I force feed myself sometimes. My tonsils became ill and my neck is in pain – the classic reponse my body has when I am in deep unhappiness or something terrible happens (psychosomatic doctors say). Everyday I wake up in the middle of the night in sheer panic, sweating and then it hits me – hes gone for good. I get anxious and frustrated, until I finally calm by the memory of my grandma and listening to bird sounds on youtube. Then Im back to a semi-sleep kind of thing. Which is draining rather than relaxing… Other times I just cry it out, because I blank out and totally ignore my surroundings, thinking Im alone. What I wouldnt give to sleep and live. And live….

    Im scared I dont know how to make good choices. I dont trust myself anymore. But strangely enough, I do! In the sense that my intuition makes me "screw up" or be "demanding" with lame guys and thus I get the out of my life. Do I make sense? Like two Sofies: 1. She is the pleaser/agreeable/all accepting/no demands/no standards/beggar    2. She is screaming from the inside, manipulating my emotions and mind to trigger my action because she sees the danger sign outside those peoples doors. And I listen to her but the other one brings me down as a punishment. Like a parent, cant keep them both happy, they antagonize too much. Its a fine mess.

    Thank you for you understanding and insight. I wished I could be of help here on the forum, but how can a blind offer guidance to others? I can`t take that big of a responsibility. I will make a new post with my recovery, keeping my path updated.

     

    #335500

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sofioula:

    I am glad to read that you are indeed working and that it gives you some peace of mind. And I am pleased to read that regarding therapy, what you wrote here: “I can support therapy multiple times per week, so I will go with your suggestion”!

    You are welcome. And you are being “of help here on the forum”- you are helping me understand life better, and are helping other people as well, people who are reading your words but you don’t know that they are or who they are, but they are learning from your experience as well. Do continue to  post here or start a new thread, as you wish. I want to read more and more from you!

    “Everyday I wake up in the middle of the night in sheer panic, sweating and then it hits me- he’s gone for good… Other times I just cry it out, because I blank out and totally ignore my surroundings, thinking I’m alone“- it is not about this man whom you spent so little time with (and should have spent none), this is an activation of your childhood experience, you were that afraid then of being alone.

    You feared being alone because you were alone. Emotionally, you were alone, and emotionally-alone happens to be just as scary as being physically alone.

    I am trying to understand what you wrote about the two Sophies- do you mean that the Submissive/Weak Sophie (the “pleaser/ agreeable/ all accepting/ no demands/ no standards/ beggar” Sophie) is an act, and the real Sophie is Strong and you do indeed trust the Strong Sophie, you feel her strength?

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 2 days ago by  anita.
    #335614

    Sofioula
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Im extremely humbled to be on this forum and receive such support and guidance from amazing people. People that understand. Strangers helping one another. I feel have a refuge to go to. Its life changing to me.

    “(and should have spent none)” It`s such a huge relief to hear. For some reason I doubt my ability to judge matters correctly as if I have no knowledge, no experience, no common sense, just like a newborn. I always want to double check and confirm with other people if I am thinking and acting rationally. That guy and also my ex commented on how I am like a little child. I thought they were being romantic and playful. But it is the vibe I give and to myself first and foremost! This complete distrust to own judgement comes from either:

    1.My upbringing (as we have already discussed previously) : mom & dad not listening to my voice, my advice, laughing sarcastically when I voiced an opinion.

    2.Internalizing my upbeat/bubbly/carefree personallity as childlike. Because people say so. I believed the dumb-blonde stereotype too hard.

    I`m really looking forward to therapy, balancing my yin and yan, not confusing optimism with submission, being self willed with being a bad person. That has to stop. I have worth. I have value. I fought hard in everything I did so far, I am owing to none except God and myself.

    About the 2 Sophies, yes kind of. But they are both strong in different ways. The weak Sophie is strong as in she brings me down and emotionally manipulates me – the strong Sophie is the one “guiding” my hand, whos voice is changing the course of my actions. For example imagine you are ill and you dont want to take the medicine you need. Dad is being loud, assertive, that if you dont drink the meds, you will be in big trouble. Mom is behind being intimidated by dad, though, back in a corner, watching the whole thing, making faces as if, you dont need to take the meds, or that dads overreacting and saying: “you don`t have to be so harsh with the kid”. Do I make sense? This image is actually something that was happening often in my childhood. Although dad was right, his way of communicating was too strong. Mom could also be on the same side, but her way was too soft. It polarized me and still does to this day…

     

    #335648

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sofioula:

    I am looking forward to a time when you will trust your “ability to judge matters correctly”, and I am sure you are looking forward to it.

    “mom & dad not listening to my voice, my advice, laughing sarcastically when I voiced an opinion”- we learn by experience. You experienced your parents not listening to you and making fun of your thoughts, so you learned that you are not worthy of being listened to and taken seriously. The only thing that can change what you learned is having a new experience, where someone does listen to you and does take you seriously.

    Problem is that the most important people in your young life, your parents, were like gods to you then. And what they taught you was like the word-of-god.

    So now, as an adult, what I say, what any person says, doesn’t carry that weight, because for the adult you, no person is god.

    “I’m really looking forward to therapy”- your therapist will have to establish much appreciation in you for her, much trust, over time, so that her words will carry a greater weight than other people’s words in your adult life.

    I read your explanation regarding your two Sophies but I will go back to it later, when I feel more focused and reply to you further at that time.

    anita

    #336066

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sofioula:

    “About the 2 Sophies.. they are both strong in different ways. The weak Sophie is strong as in she brings me down and emotionally manipulates me- the strong Sophie is the one ‘guiding’ my hand, shoes voice is changing the course of my actions. For example imagine you are ill and you don’t want to take the medicine you need. Dad is being loud, assertive, that if you don’t drink the meds, you will be in big trouble. Mom is behind being intimidated by dad, though, back in a corner, watching the whole thing, making faces as if, you don’t need to take the meds, or that dad’s overreacting .. This image is actually something that was happening often in my childhood… his (dad’s) way of communicating was too strong. Mom could also be on the same side but her way was too soft. It polarized me and still does to this day”-

    – so one Sophie is like her father: powerful in a direct, honest, but hard, intimidating way, and the other Sophie is like her mother: powerful in an indirect and dishonest way, and she is soft.

    This father/ mother dynamic has polarized you. What if what will unite you is removing the indirect, dishonest and hard/ intimidating elements and incorporating the direct and honest from your father and combining it with the soft of your mother, creating a Sophie who is Direct, Assertive, Soft, and Honest: DASH.

    What do you think?

    anita

     

    #336380

    Sofioula
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    This is exactly what I want. To be DASH. To balance those strong energies inside me before they eat me up and I start to loose my mind. I just don`t know how. I tried everything on the book, even swore an oath to never be thye same again. And in the beginning of the new years I was becoming exactly that. Even in the beginning of this last situationship, I had the breaks on and my greater good on mind, actively aoiding the old mistakes and being present and in control. Then, it all slipped.

    I went to therapy. The therapist is a young woman and she seems really focused on what shes doing. I dont have my hopes up though. She took my history record and we set up for a next appointment on Saturday. She said the best thing to try with me is CBT and we identified that my main concerns are : 1.submissiveness 2.lack of self trust  3.obsessive thoughts  4.guilt tripping. We also established that my main feelings at this time are: 1.sadness  2.anger  3.disappointment  4.hopelessness. I told her, I want to create emotional & communication mechanisms inside of me in order to A) protect myself from others B) protect myself from my self critism C) engage in healthier thoughts D) understand my worth and set boundaries and communicate my standards.

    I had a long talk with my sister who by my surpise is extremely supportive and helpful to my emotional needs 24/7 with patience and kindness. She believes I admire & am afraid of anger thatss why I choose the same type of emotionally unavailable/ controlling guy. She says they all have in common a macho, ultra manly appearance, angry face and a "you will do as I say" attitude.  And it is true. She says Im afraid of making a mistake, the irreversable and the consequences of me expressing anger. That`s why I am so deeply attracted to these guys. And to be fair she is right…

    I try to keep my life busy with stuff. I find it helps. I started going to the gym, I started pole dancing and try to freshen up my german. It is going to be journey, but I feel like Icarus , post flight. Those feelings of regret and sadness for trusting a pair of fake wings. My fake wings are my devotion to others, that they can give me my hapiness, complete me. This last experience humbled me in a whole new way. Now just like Icarus, I have to swim, or else…

     

    #336408

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sofioula:

    In your first therapy session, your main concerns were identified: submissiveness, lack of self trust, obsessive thoughts and guilt tripping; your main feelings: sadness, anger, disappointment and hopelessness. You told her that you want to protect yourself from others and from your self criticism, engage in healthier thoughts, understand your self worth, set boundaries with people and communicate your needs, or standards, is the word you used. She suggested CBT (reads so far like a good therapist to me!)

    You wrote about your sister: “She believes I admire & am afraid of anger”- yes, I agree.

    Your sister said that the guys you chose, “all have in common a macho, ultra manly appearance, angry face and ‘you will do as I say’ attitude”, and you agreed with her observation (“And it is true”)- this description takes me back to the thought of Exposed Anger, and in-your-face, direct anger.

    Your sister said and you (and I) agree that you are afraid of anger, “afraid of making a mistake, the irreversible and consequences of me expressing anger”- yes, it makes sense. This is why you pretend to be fine-and-dandy in public, like all is good, same pretense I suppose that you did in childhood, hiding your anger and wishing you exposed it (like your sister did, like your father did somewhat)… so the guys, you get to enjoy exposing your anger by proxy, meaning, by watching them exposing their anger.

    This changes my understanding earlier. I thought you enjoyed being weak and this is why sexually, you were weak/ submissive. Now I am thinking that you enjoy the idea of being strong/ angry/dominant, but you are too afraid to express these things, so you did the next-best-thing, so to speak =>you enjoyed strength/anger/dominance by proxy, by witnessing that man expressing these things while his body was real close to you, inside/ on top of you. That’s as close as you could get to these qualities that you admire, but are too afraid to express yourself.

    “My fake wings are my devotion to others”, you have two other wings that are folded inside of you and are in a desperate need to come out and take you to the adventure of expressing your strength, anger and dominance.

    Of course, the anger and dominance will have to be somewhat controlled so to not become abusive and violent- this is where part of the fear is, that anger will take you too far?

    * I want to summarize my three theories so far and ask you if you agree with any of them (any one may be true, two of the following or all three):

    1. Sister’s Anger & Attention (SEA): Your sister was the Angry Sibling in the family and she got your parents’ attention that you didn’t, but wanted for yourself, so.. Anger is to be worshipped because it got your parents attention..?

    2. Mother’s Hidden Anger (MHE): Your mother was passive-aggressive, didn’t show her anger. Her anger was a passive, hidden anger, and you were repulsed by it and worshipped its opposite: an active, exposed anger..?

    3. Sophie’s Anger by Proxy (SAP): you are afraid to feel and to express your anger, so you enjoyed it by proxy, by choosing an angry/ dominant man and experiencing his expressed anger as he dominates you sexually and otherwise..?

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 3 days ago by  anita.
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