Dear Anita,

Im sorry I took my sweet time replying to you. Seems that 2019 wants to exhaust me to death and what not. My dad suddendly had severe bleeding and we were in the hospital. Now hes fine and stable thank The Lord.

As for me, Im recovering and can say Im pretty well actually. For how long – I cannot say. I found out my ex blocked me on viber (I didnt text him or anything) and... it felt awesome! Am I sadistic or what? Its like, I got the “final” answer from him. All the ifs, became irrelevant and in that moment, we TRULY split up. The last straw of my hope, my dreams and fixations broke into pieces. It liberated me. But I sound hypocritical, because I said this so many times in the past. I HOPE, I PRAY THE FEELING LASTS. But most likely it will. Its like he came down from that pedastal I had him on. Hes like my inferior and Im like -eh. Its sounds pretty bad, pretty b*tchy, but its with good intetions (and he deserves it 100%).

So from your reply, my situation does boil down from my submissiveness. Stockholm syndrome with anyone that mistreats me or any situation that keeps my drama on. I can get that. I acknowlegde that, its true down to a T. I have a massive fixation with being true, loyal, right, honest, helpful and thats great right? No. Because its wrong when you do it for the wrong people and its harmful when you push yourself 24/7, 24 hours a day. This “sainthood” is driving me insane. I want to make mistakes anf be wrong and be loud and so on. On Christmas day, after I posted here and my sister had calmedme down, I went out, drunk more than I let myself usually (2 drinks), I smoked, danced and sang like a schoolgirl. It felt right, it felt needed and I will give me permission to do  it as much as I can. I know my limits, but I also need to learn my freedom.

As for my ex, let him have all the blame. I let him be the bad guy, because he is. I feared the moment my sweet little angel will fall down at my eyes. He was trash. I`m not vindictive ever. But honest to God, I feel no remorse hating him right now.

I choose to pick up a new hobby, making jewerly which I always wanted to do. I got rid of all my moody music and will try to surround myself with as much positivity as I can. Im a fighter. Im strong d@mn it. I deserve things in life because I fought and worked so hard for everything I have. I will get back to the sunshine girl I used to be.

The submissive girl inside me needs her boss, her ruler, her rules, her strict and violent behaviors. Thats why I have this obsession with my ex or having to have a relationship. I cant control myself so I need my  “bad guy”. Its sexy and all that, but more than that, its an abuse. Others abuse drugs, alchohol etc. I abuse mistreatment and/or drama. Most of the times even self inflicted. I wanted to start counseling but last spring I had a therapist that didn`t help me one bit. It was all chatting. I will make another attempt, because I also started to notice intrusive thoughts (mostly sexual and/or violent) and might be on the spectrum of ocd or ptsd of some sort (people noticed that first about me).

I would like your opinion on this since Im a  newbie to therapy and dont know what kind of therapy I should go after. Meaning what could be more beneficial: psychotherapy, psychoanalysis, cognitive therapy etc?

From the bottom of my heart, thank you once more.