Dear Gaia:

You wrote that you are “keeping in touch with some dudes lately”, that you are “not really even into these dudes”, “people that are just meh” to you. You “then kiss them and wish they were someone else”, but because you “look enthusiastic and passionate while kissing” them, they think that you are those things, enthusiastic and passionate, but truth is you are “just pretending they were someone else”.

“Why would I do that… I don’t know…I am really drawn by some people .. always want their physical affection.. while everyone else physical touch is just repulsive to me for no reason”-

– but there is a reason, you just don’t know it yet. What I figure is the following: there was a person in your life that you loved very, very much, you still do. It is your mother. You loved her deeply as a child and for years. Sometime along the way, she behaved in certain ways that repulsed you. You used that word in one of your posts, to describe how you feel when she tries to have a conversation with you. So, there is this person you love so much and you are repulsed by her, same person. This creates a conflict. I am very familiar with this conflict because what I just wrote to you in this paragraph is true in my life as well.

What this kind of conflict does is it makes you be “drawn by some people” and repulsed by them, at the same time. It is a replay of the same dynamic that you had in your younger days with your mother. (You may not remember now how much you loved her early on, but you did love her very much). This particular conflict brings about behaviors that puzzle us, make us feel we are some freaks of nature, but if we understand the conflict and how it originated, we can see that we are not freaks of nature after all.

Let me know if this is making sense to you.

anita