Dear Emma:

You are welcome.

Reads to me that you are mature and responsible, in your description of the affair, you didn’t blame your soon to be husband, or the other man, you didn’t even blame your childhood. You simply stated facts, a few details- sensible, insightful, mature, responsible, I am impressed.

Also reads to me that what happened, and you are aware of it, is that during the years of you “taking care of family”, as a child still, a craving was born- to be free. Like you stated, this craving will remain regardless of who you marry or if you marry. But this craving intensifies when you feel trapped or otherwise distressed.

I think the affair didn’t have much to do with who this man was, nor did it have anything to do with an excellent communication and emotional intimacy with the man. It had to do with that wonderful feeling you had when your craving for freedom was temporarily satisfied.

Because you are about to get married to a good man, and he knows of the affair and trust has been rebuilt, it will be a terrible mistake to break this rebuilt trust. It may not be recoverable. Therefore you need to notice that craving, notice when it intensifies, and when it does, do not let it overwhelm you, so that you are still in control of your actions.

It is likely to help if you express this craving in ways that will not break your soon to be husband’s trust in you. It can be done by writing, drawing, painting, a particular hobby and/ or more counseling or psychotherapy. A big part of my therapy was learning what is called emotional regulation skills, meaning when you feel any intense emotion- lessen it, so that it doesn’t take over and we .. find ourselves doing things we will later regret.

Have a Happy New Year and post again anytime.

anita