Wow Emma gotta say, your story is eerily similar to crap I’m dealing with.

I too have been in a relationship for ten years and am getting married next year. We also drifted apart some time ago, but where our stories differ is the affair [though if I’m honest mines an emotional affair] So I know how you feel having thoughts of this other guy and wanting it to stop.

I’m going to mention Polyamory, but I’m not advocating it. I know many are against it, but if you feel your relationship is strong enough, discuss it. If you’re a monogamous type ignore this point. [I’ve always been fine with Polyamory, I just know I couldn’t handle it emotionally at this time]

SO, advice. Firstly, I would continue with your therapy or at least some form of self-help work [journaling for instance] to work through these thoughts. Suppressing or ignoring will cause it to fester. Distance is another wise move, blocking this person is a wise move to ensure he doesn’t appear again. Contemplate what draws you to your fiance as well as this other guy. [personal: my fiance and the other guy are very similar, but the other guy is new, exciting, fun, while my fiance is comfortable, safe, predictable. So we’re ensuring we have date night once a week, talk more, surprise each other with little things] You might also consider the old fashion pro’s con’s list, but there’s one my therapist gave me that’s four squares, pro’s and cons of things staying the same, and the pro’s and con’s of things changing. That one helped me with a few decisions.

I would also throw out the old “cold feet” argument. You’ve chosen this one person forever, this shuts the door on other people forever. That’s scary. You’ve given up the freedom, a small part of your personal power. Henceforth, you’re a unit, and can’t simply go to the movies after work with friends, you need to text your husband and inform him of this [and vice versa if he wants to randomly hang with his friends, he needs to check with you] for some people, this is a level of control, and it can be scary. You are technically losing things [hypothetically] but think of all the things you gain. I know how easy it is to look at the closed door but think of all the things you gain with your partner. Think of all the reasons you love him. Think of the future you see with him. You may wish to compare it to the future you see with this other person, but depending on your mental state [I can get stuck on an idea/thought and spiral] you may wish to avoid fantasizing.

Good luck to you.

Dear Emma:

You are welcome.

Reads to me that you are mature and responsible, in your description of the affair, you didn’t blame your soon to be husband, or the other man, you didn’t even blame your childhood. You simply stated facts, a few details- sensible, insightful, mature, responsible, I am impressed.

Also reads to me that what happened, and you are aware of it, is that during the years of you “taking care of family”, as a child still, a craving was born- to be free. Like you stated, this craving will remain regardless of who you marry or if you marry. But this craving intensifies when you feel trapped or otherwise distressed.

I think the affair didn’t have much to do with who this man was, nor did it have anything to do with an excellent communication and emotional intimacy with the man. It had to do with that wonderful feeling you had when your craving for freedom was temporarily satisfied.

Because you are about to get married to a good man, and he knows of the affair and trust has been rebuilt, it will be a terrible mistake to break this rebuilt trust. It may not be recoverable. Therefore you need to notice that craving, notice when it intensifies, and when it does, do not let it overwhelm you, so that you are still in control of your actions.

It is likely to help if you express this craving in ways that will not break your soon to be husband’s trust in you. It can be done by writing, drawing, painting, a particular hobby and/ or more counseling or psychotherapy. A big part of my therapy was learning what is called emotional regulation skills, meaning when you feel any intense emotion- lessen it, so that it doesn’t take over and we .. find ourselves doing things we will later regret.

Have a Happy New Year and post again anytime.

anita

Dear Emma:

You are welcome and thank you for your words of appreciation. If you did send  a message to the man, that would not have been one of the ways for you to “express this craving in ways that will not break your soon to be husband’s trust in you” (a quote from my last post to you). It could only increase your distress.

But you do need to express this craving in a way that will effectively reduce the craving so that it does not overwhelm you and wear you down to the point of you feeling desperate and doing just about anything so to feel better.

How about psychotherapy s to process that childhood experience where that craving was born?

It may help for you to share about your childhood here. Part of you may not want to do that and prefers to be distracted by the issue of this man, but if you push through that resistance and share, maybe it will be a start for you. You can try it and if it doesn’t work for you, stop at any time. It is always your choice, here.

anita