Dear Tortured Soul:

When we grow up with parents that fail us, we idolize them, at least one of them, because we need to believe that someone loves us, that someone will protect us. So we make believe our parent loves us and protects us, when she does not. As we become adults we idolize other people, seeing them as loving and protective when they are not.

Notice how you idolize this man, how you indeed exaggerate his attractive characteristics and give little to no attention to his unattractive characteristics: “I adore him. He can do no wrong… I struggle to internalize or see any of his bad points and even if I do, I overlook them. Fantasy land”.

And you do the same regarding your mother:  “My mother.. She is remarkable. Not perfect but a strong character. She did the best she could to take care of us, even though some of my siblings may disagree”.

When your mother she saw you “battered and bruised” by your father, and following that she sent you to live with him for six months, she was not a remarkable person or a remarkable mother. Neither was she a strong character, because if she was, she wouldn’t have sent a teenage girl to live with a violent grown up man. Endangering her daughter’s physical safety wouldn’t have been the best she could do for her daughter.

Notice how you imagine that this man cares for you: “I want him to protect me too. He has before. Always subtle ways.. if he sees me with anther man, he seems to get territorial.. He cannot take his eyes off the person… he struts about curious as to what is going on”-

– strutting about is not protecting. And when he disappears for weeks, going on vacations with his family,  he doesn’t let you know; he doesn’t seem to mind that he will not be present to strut about near you.

And you do the same thing regarding your mother, you imagine that she cared for you and protected you: “She always said it was her responsibility to raise us and ensure that we could fend for ourselves. She did that quite well.. I don’t doubt that she loves me”.

But how can a teenage girl fend for herself living with a violent grown man, how is that being responsible on her part, how is it her doing quite well as a mother.

Our mental health has to do with us seeing reality as it is. When we don’t see our childhood as it really was, when we imagine that our parents were responsible and loving and remarkable when they were far from it, we proceed as adults to see other people not as they are.

It is difficult to separate reality from fantasy when it comes to our troubled childhoods. Isn’t it?

anita