Dear Helena:

“I am not sure why I have not left him before and why I struggle to do so now.. Why am I so reluctant to just divorce him? … he feels entitled to say and do what he wants without considering my feelings at all. Why can’t I be like this too or at least why can’t I just not care and get on with it looking after my own interests?”

My efforts to answer these questions: he is not afraid to to say and do what he wants without considering your feelings at all because you are not holding him hostage with anger. It is the other way around:  he has held you hostage using his anger for so long that you are afraid of him, afraid of his anger. So you are reluctant to do anything he doesn’t want you to do, anything that will incur his anger.

You are not looking after your own interests of positive values like love, affection, trust, respect, but you are looking after your own interest of avoiding a negative value: his anger

Does this sound right, to you?

anita

I am really not sure why I have not left him before and why I struggle to do so now. ..Why am I so reluctant to just divorce him?..he feels entitled to say and do what he wants without considering my feelings at all. Why can’t I be like this too or at least why can’t I just not care and get on with it looking after my own interests?