Hi Anita, and thank you for coming back to me. I have read so many of your posts and advice to people and and really glad you wrote back to me. My husband has always been the kind of person, where he takes any situation and sees the worst possible explanation and doesn’t really listen to anyone that tries to explain. I’ve noticed it with several other situations with other people in the past but never thought he’d do that with me. I am far from perfect as a person but one thing about me is I value stability and loyalty above all. I have never betrayed anyone in my whole life, not even people who I thought betrayed me and that is why this hurts so much more.

I will answer your question in the precise format you ask for but first a little more detail to make sense of it (sorry). The first time he used the word betrayal is when my mother came over after my grandma died. As I mentioned he was away after she’s been with us for a few weeks and my Mum and I discussed her plans for the future. I didn’t pressure her to leave but we were preparing for her to return home and not live in her old house as she said she really doesn’t want to go back there. We knew my friend had an empty small apartment she could rent (whenever she is ready in the future), so she has agreed to rent out her house to some people she knows straight away. Then he came back whilst I was away for a business trip and he asked my mother about her future plans (i.e. when are you leaving), she told him (her English is bad so they used a lot of Google translate etc) she doesn’t know yet and she rented out her house and he exploded. First at her and then at me as soon as I came back. I tried to stop him and explain, as I don’t think she needs to discuss with him who she rents her house to but he wouldn’t listen and kept repeating that she rented out her house and moved in with us, which I thought was pathetic.

Then she left and he calmed down but clearly this “betrayal” feeling stayed. Then, about 2 years later I find she’s doing so poorly (at that point his father is ill and my husband spends a lot of time overseas with his parents), so having learned from the previous disaster and trying to do this better, I call him, am extremely open with him about the situation, even though I don’t yet have the full extent of it and he seems understanding and supports my decision to bring her over to monitor and assess. Most likely this was just because he was spending so much time away with his parents but who knows. She really is in a bad way but I use all of my effort trying to support her to get off the pills and open up about her mental state. I communicate with him very openly about all of that on a daily basis, the struggles, the successes, the fact she’s really trying but also failing at times. I am a pretty resilient person but I cry a lot as my Mum has always been so strong and self sufficient and I’ve never expected her to be like this. Also I make sure that he knows that I don’t see this as a permanent solution as I’m really nervous about it after the previous incident. He’s supportive and the time he is back he is nice to her and tries to help her but to me not that much and he makes comments to our friends etc. about how his mother in law lives with us etc. I let those pass as I just don’t have the energy to fight back and as I said he’s nice with her. I almost wish he didn’t try to spend time with her to help as I feel like that’s feeding his resentment towards me and it’s really not helping her anyway although she believes him that he doesn’t mind her being in our house (where we don’t live). I talk to my Mum a lot about the future and how this is not sustainable even though at this point she’s very self sufficient and whilst she doesn’t feel strong enough to go home yet and start fresh, she really doesn’t spend time with us when he is back from his parents. As mentioned we have 3 properties in 2 countries and she never comes to the UK (where we live) when he’s back, she stays and looks after our house and apartment in the other country. Yet it seems to really bother him that she’s “around” but he tries to hold back. As I try to find a solution that fits everybody I talk to my Mum and she says she never wants to go back to her house but she will go back home soon. I suggest we sell the house (she has gifted the house to me in the meantime) and buy an apartment in the city. She agrees and I start looking. I have good connections in my home country and we find a new development where we can get a pick of an apartment and I get time to sort things our without being pressured to have all in order as the developer is a friend. The apartment costs more than we get for the house but my Mum has savings and I suggest I put some money in too as the apartment will be in my name and I think it’s only fair. I discuss this with my husband and ask what he thinks, he says he’s not in the position to do this (which I completely respect). I suggest he co-owns this with me but I’ll take care of the repayments as my Mum really pays for more than half of the cost. He agrees. Then it comes to going to the bank (I need to take a mortgage for some of it as I don’t want to use our savings). The bank wants both owners to sign the mortgage, my husband refuses to have debt to his name, so the only way to go around this is that he doesn’t co-own this apartment and I take mortgage alone. I explain many times that to me, this is irrelevant, this will be our apartment one day and when my mother doesn’t live there anymore (she has plans to go into retirement home after she’s not able to look after herself), we can sell and use the money for whatever we want. It’s a great investment. He’s not thrilled by it but he agrees, goes to notary with me and signs the papers. The topic comes up a lot afterwards and I see he’s not happy that I used a small portion of the savings (this is ca 50% of one of my bonuses I put into savings account). I have been completely transparent with him, he approved it at first but is not happy and calls it betrayal as well. Once again, we don’t have common economy but I have been putting all extra money I make into our joint savings and never before or after have taken anything out of it. He has in the past dipped into our savings and never even explained why. These are the 2 betrayals he mentioned at the therapist and they all became a major issue after his father died (until then I guess it’s hard to argue that I should help out my mother when he spent months and months away helping his parents). I will also say that we are far from having money issues, I work very hard and get paid very well, we have no children and I have been paying my part of the expenses relating to stuff we have together diligently. I refused to co-invest in a very expensive boat that he wanted this summer as I don’t think it’s a sensible expense provided he might not work soon but offered he uses money from the savings account to buy a boat that’s smaller than the one he wants but still pretty nice. He wanted me to co-sign a loan for an expensive one but I refused. I suggested if he wanted to do that we go to notary to allow him to take a loan on his own (like me for the apartment) but he refused and got very angry.

So from his point I think he would say:

I feel betrayed because my wife moved her mother in without discussing with me and rented out her house without my consent.

I feel betrayed because my wife used some of our savings to buy an apartment that I don’t want.

I feel betrayed my wife doesn’t want to buy a boat with me and instead buys an apartment I don’t want.

Thanks again Anita for your time on this.

Hi Anita, indeed it does sound right. He can be a really nice person and fun to be around, as long as things are his way. So I suppose I try to create this atmosphere because then I actually like being around him. Now however with that gone (I  mean we live separately), why don’t I just complete the separation with divorce.. I always seem to wait for him to do that. To leave me, to move away, to divorce me… I really dislike myself for doing that yet I just keep at it. I guess that too is to avoid any negative reaction I might get if I do it myself. I believe in “for better or worse” but does that mean I just have to be happy with whatever? I tried to talk to him about some of the stuff in the past but have been told “that’s just the way I am” and also then at therapist he said I was very demanding. I really don’t think I am demanding but always question myself after a statement like that whilst he never seems to reflect on himself. I wish I could be a little more like that.

Well that’s the thing – when I read you, I agree – that is what I seems. However when I think of myself in any other situation (work, friendships, dealing with issues day to day…), I really am not a submissive person at all. I still like to avoid conflict but I’m certainly no walk over, quite the opposite. I work in a male dominated industry , I think I have respect of most people here and I have done well career wise. I know you often advice to look into one’s childhood and I have been thinking about that. My mother has (when I was young) been quite an authoritative person (setting boundaries, strict on achieving school results, being on time etc) but at the same time she was kind and loving and protective. So I’m not sure if that can have anything to do with it as again, none of my previous relationships have been like this at all. I have been thinking in the past also that maybe I have never come across behaviour like this and as such I just don’t know how to handle it and as I do tend to avoid conflict, I just grew into this situation over time. Or perhaps deep down I do love him and don’t want to lose him (but then I’m not really sad when he’s not around) or I just simply don’t like to fail. Those are all options I am considering but it’s tough to be objective when it’s myself I’m trying to analyse…

Hi Anita, and thanks. Hope all is well with you.

When I got a bad grade at school, she wasn’t happy about it but she wanted me to focus on rectifying it rather than punishment. I however remember I really didn’t want to disappoint her but actually don’t know why as whilst she asked me to study more and get a better grade next time, she didn’t really “punish” me and she didn’t hold it against me. I think I just wanted her to be happy and she was so happy when I was performing well. If I didn’t show up on time for dinner or didn’t do what I said I would do (didn’t happen often as I was and still am to some extend a people-pleaser), she would usually tell me off, sometimes it would lead to grounding, so I couldn’t go out after school for a few days to play with my friends. Usually however this wasn’t the case and even if sometimes it happened, she would let me go out sooner in the end if she saw I was remorseful. I think as she always had a lot on her shoulders, I really just tried to not add on to her worries (job, difficult marriage, difficult son..). She was someone I could always rely on, get support from and I guess I just didn’t want to add on to her stress, so I tried to be not be a problematic child, which I think I succeeded at, even as a teenager.

I think because both of my parents, despite their flaws, have always been so kind to me, I find it so hard that my husband would always suspect the worst reasoning in any situations etc. I know his mother is the very opposite to mine, and I never warmed up to her and he struggles with her too, so that might be the reason. My friends think he’s jealous of my relationship with my Mum and the fact that my Mum has been so nice to him and I can rely on her but I don’t know. He’d have to answer that one I suppose.