Adelaide,

Well done on so much self awareness and at least trying to grow and process. It’s hard, I know. Be careful about the pull. So….I am pretty confident that if I met my ex for coffee tomorrow, the unbelievable pull would still be there……it always has been, Even for him most of the time, but nevertheless, it doesn’t mean we are meant to be together. We have/had a connection…the pull makes sense. But the pull can’t make him feel what he doesn’t either and despite how great a connection I felt we had, he still doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me…..so if we were to meet up, the pull would end up hurting me again.

Let me frame it from your ex’s point of view. The new guy, who is a beautiful soul, who i tried a romantic relationship with but chose not to go further with is now one of my closest friends. I explained the perils of such a relationship and being the understanding and persuasive person he is, he convinced me friendship could work. It sounded like a great deal to me as the characteristics that I always liked about him (no-romantic) were still there and I do have a connection to him and enjoy his company immensely but not in a romantic way. It’s been great and I felt, isn’t this so mature…..I don’t get to lose him out of my life and we are good for each other. Today I met him for coffee and afterwards he messaged to say how beautiful I looked today. Sweet. But a problem. I loved receiving such a compliment but then the anchor dropped and I felt uncomfortable. He’s not completely over me I would say and happy to just be a platonic relationship. So things may get awkward if we continue this way and he may get hurt……yet again. I didn’t want this to happen, but I’m a adult, I take responsibility for the decision I made by being friends with him.

You will always feel like you have a connection to your ex whilst she’s still in your life and it’s unrequited. I definitely don’t want to see you get hurt down the line again. Distance is the only thing to create a little bit of perspective…but BELIEVE ME….i understand how difficult that is. I get it. But remember, she didn’t choose to be with you and whilst it might be a nice comfort blanket for both of you to avoid the pain of separation…..it could end up being the pain of future hurt again otherwise.

Keep going though on your focus on self awareness and counselling and really working on growing. You’re probable miles ahead of where I was at your stage. Try looking into the attachment styles and why they might apply, for example anxious attachment.

We’re all in similar boats on this forum and I’ve found the online support very enlightening. Best of luck x