Dear noname:

“While it is helpful to reflect on my relationships with my parents, I’m at a point where I just don’t care to much to talk about it anymore, I know I didn’t get what I needed.. Now my challenge is how to feel lovable no matter what my life circumstances may be… I desperately ant to feel loveable internally, no matter what… It frustrates me to no end that I keep trying to accomplish and achieve and gain love just as I did my whole childhood”-

It is not helpful to talk more about how your parents didn’t love you. It will be helpful to no longer be physically present for their non-love.

You wrote regarding your mother: “last time I saw her she was too busy being depressed to greet me with affection, not that I expect it anyway”. Last time was this month, Jan 2020, wasn’t it?

So you see, it is still happening, now. She is depressed not only then, but now, and she is not affectionate toward you  now, not only then. Your childhood is still happening even though you are in your third decade, a psychotherapist and even though you don’t live with your parents.

And just like you tried to not care before, you still try to not care- trying to feel lovable internally regardless of the external circumstances of your parents still being in your life and still not loving you. And just like before, you are still “trying to accomplish and achieve and gain love”, still trying to earn their love.

You excuse why you must have them in your life: having to fix your car in your father’s garage, having to visit your mother because your sister lives there; thing is, you are still a boy in that very childhood. You need not talk, you need to physically remove yourself from the presence of your parents, you have to change your external circumstances this way so to open the way for you to eventually be loved and feel lovable.

anita