Dear joanna. s:

“My own preference was not important”- for a child, the most intense preference, or better word, need is for the parent’s approval. All other needs are put aside for after getting this approval. Only there is a complication: we need to separate from her and become our own selves.

It’s a huge conflict: the struggle to stay with her in one form or another until she gives us her approval and the struggle to separate from her, both happening at the same time.

It is a conflict between our love for her and our anger at her.

“She used to call me messy and clumsy so I was more messy just to show her”- if she called you messy and clumsy when you were very young, I bet you tried to be neat and orderly but over time, as you failed to get her to see that you were indeed neat and orderly, failing once again at getting her approval, so you got angry and rebelled, be messy on purpose.

“I was crazy about the idea that my mother admires me for having a perfect man.. I must be worth something”- this is your motivation to “make her value you” that I mentioned to you in my earlier reply. A child cannot produce her own sense of value, or worth- she has to receive it from a parent (the adult care taker, usually the mother). The mother is like a mirror to the child, if the child sees her worth in that mirror, then she takes it in.

I mentioned that the most intense need is to get her approval, to be valued by her.. this is how intense it is: crazy intense (“I was crazy..”).

“I think people who has grown with a narcistic and abusive mother would understand”- I understand. Like you I didn’t know an identity, not in my twenties, or my thirties, or forties. I too did not trust myself to make decisions, not even small decisions, not even the smallest decision between having vanilla or strawberry ice cream, literally. Like you, I felt that “there is no  me”, but I certainly felt a lot of pain, fear and hurt and shame and confusion.. and anger and guilt.

“it scares me it’s impossible to develop a sense of identity after all these yeas, I don’t even know how to do that”- it is possible and you can develop a sense of identity sooner than I did. I will be glad to share with you all that I know about accomplishing that. Let me know if you are interested and we can communicate further.

A question: are you aware of feeling a longing for your mother, a need for her, a pull toward her.. a strong emotional need?

(I will soon be away from the computer for a while).

anita