Dear Joanna.s:

“I’m afraid I have no identity. Many things I have done in my life.. was on purpose to make my mother mad or to satisfy her”-

-I will tell you what I understand, and if you want, you can let me know if I understood correctly, or if i didnt and correct me, and we can communicate further.

What I understand is that as a child you were consumed by trying to satisfy/ please your mother, trying to make her happy with who you are, make her value you, make her give you that Okay stamp so that you can be free to become your own person.

But she never did give you that Okay, so you never had the opportunity to become your own person, with your own preferences, own desires, values, motivations.. your own identity.

Consumed by a motivation every child has- to satisfy her mother/ to be Okay-ed by her mother so to grow up and become a healthy, independent adult, on one hand,

and on the other hand, consumed by anger at her for refusing to give you that Okay- stamp, your life so far, has been about your mother, not about you.

Now, living away from her, at 34, you still don’t have.. you.

Did I understand correctly?

anita

Dear joanna. s:

“My own preference was not important”- for a child, the most intense preference, or better word, need is for the parent’s approval. All other needs are put aside for after getting this approval. Only there is a complication: we need to separate from her and become our own selves.

It’s a huge conflict: the struggle to stay with her in one form or another until she gives us her approval and the struggle to separate from her, both happening at the same time.

It is a conflict between our love for her and our anger at her.

“She used to call me messy and clumsy so I was more messy just to show her”- if she called you messy and clumsy when you were very young, I bet you tried to be neat and orderly but over time, as you failed to get her to see that you were indeed neat and orderly, failing once again at getting her approval, so you got angry and rebelled, be messy on purpose.

“I was crazy about the idea that my mother admires me for having a perfect man.. I must be worth something”- this is your motivation to “make her value you” that I mentioned to you in my earlier reply. A child cannot produce her own sense of value, or worth- she has to receive it from a parent (the adult care taker, usually the mother). The mother is like a mirror to the child, if the child sees her worth in that mirror, then she takes it in.

I mentioned that the most intense need is to get her approval, to be valued by her.. this is how intense it is: crazy intense (“I was crazy..”).

“I think people who has grown with a narcistic and abusive mother would understand”- I understand. Like you I didn’t know an identity, not in my twenties, or my thirties, or forties. I too did not trust myself to make decisions, not even small decisions, not even the smallest decision between having vanilla or strawberry ice cream, literally. Like you, I felt that “there is no  me”, but I certainly felt a lot of pain, fear and hurt and shame and confusion.. and anger and guilt.

“it scares me it’s impossible to develop a sense of identity after all these yeas, I don’t even know how to do that”- it is possible and you can develop a sense of identity sooner than I did. I will be glad to share with you all that I know about accomplishing that. Let me know if you are interested and we can communicate further.

A question: are you aware of feeling a longing for your mother, a need for her, a pull toward her.. a strong emotional need?

(I will soon be away from the computer for a while).

anita

Hi joanna.s,

Wow, there is so much here. Do you mind if I number my thoughts?

1. You have to internalize that your mother failed in her role as a mother. In a fundamental way. You have to find a way to internalize that “OK” stamp.

2. The Bible has this idea of God as your actual Parent. (Or the Universe, if you will.) There is even a line where, “Though my father and mother abandon me, You take me in”. So view yourself as literally a Child of the Universe. A Child of God. When your parent fails, The Universe swoops in. And it has, hasn’t it? Look harder.

3. People move all the time. Move and don’t tell anyone. Then when they bring your old place up say, “Oh it wasn’t working out so I moved closer to the city or to a real village with shops, etc.” Be bored when you say it as if you moved years ago.

4. Get your license. Even people who hate to drive, or claim to hate to drive need one. It’s another form of identity and makes life so much easier in any case.

5. The Universe has given you its “OK”. You are an adult. You are here. You are well. You made it, despite everything! Imagine you are a forest creature. Forest creatures shuffle around, complete in their forest creature-ness. They aren’t tormented that they aren’t forest creature enough. They just are, dammit! And they will fight if their mother tries to take their food. Ha!

6. Maybe take a break from talking to your mother. Then you can hear “you” more clearly.

7. If you want to study psychology, you can! It’s not too late! I promise you! Thirty? You’re not old!

Best,

Inky

Hi Joanna

As you work through your thoughts and feelings about your experiences with Anita and Inky it can be quite emotional, and the tendency could be to identify with the emotion and or though.  For example, I am sad vice in this moment I feel sad are two very different things. Or I am Bad because bad things happened to me.

My suggestion is that as you go through this process of healing that you take a few moments each day to sit quietly and reflect on what you have learned and notice if you have attached your sense of self to an emotion or thought. Nothing more then noticing is required.

There is a time in everyone’s lives where the task is to take responsibility in learning how to nurture ourselves and “become our own mother” – (nurture yourself).  Your experience of your mother will have influenced your ability to nurture yourself however it does not or need not define that ability.

We are more often frightened than hurt; and we suffer more from imagination than from reality. – Seneca

Dear Joanna.s:

Three members replied to you but in your recent post right below three replies by three different members, you didn’t respond to the content of what any of the three members wrote to you, nor did you address any member by name. And so, I don’t know who your questions are addressing, and I don’t know if you read or valued anything specific in these three posts right before yours.

So when you ask “What do you think?”, I don’t know who you are asking and why, as in do you value anything specific in what a member wrote to you already or .. are you asking just anyone, no matter who it is that may read your recent post?

anita

Dear joanna.s:

You don’t have to address a particular person here, nor do you have address anything a member wrote to you. Please feel free to keep posting not addressing any member or the content of what a member wrote to you.

As far as my input, I am not encouraged to reply a second or third time if my previous reply has not been read or considered, that’s all. I hope other members do reply to you.

anita