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joanna.s

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  • #337166
    joanna.s
    Participant

    Sorry, Anita, I didn’t know I have to address a particular person here. As to “who” I’m asking and “why” it’s just a question and just a thought. Have a good day!

    #337152
    joanna.s
    Participant

    Thank you all for amazing advice. I’ve read it enough times already so that I never forget.

    Sorry I haven’t responded rearlier but I had to think over some things.let me know if you had experienced something similar. What I noticed while living alone

    I start getting very very angry when people tell me what to do. but not just tell me what to do, it’s a typical situation: for example I have this let’s say boss, well she’s not my boss technically but she pays me for some projects I do, so we can say she hires me, in a way. I always come to her house discuss things,<span class=”Apple-converted-space”>  </span>she never comes to me (I guess she pays me for commuting too? ) Now I have 2 weeks off and we established four meetings. I thought it would be best to do it Monday Tuesday, and the rest of week free. I would prepare things on weekend and then two days work. So I told her we can meet and she said, okay: Monday and Thursday is fine with me. (She prefers to have some time off in between but she is not the one who prepares things or does the work). I said „ok” I was disappointed because I preferred to get it done earlier and have more time free, but Monday and Thursday means I will still be thinking about work on Wednesday anyway and preparing things at home. But I agreed, because that’s how I am. I got sick and texted her I won’t be able to come on Monday. She told me to text her tomorrow how I’m feeling. Like an order. She always gives orders to me. I got angry, like really angry, I texted my friend about it and then I thought: I’m not gonna vent about it, and just be angry in silence. So I texted her: we’re meeting Wednesday and Thursday. This kind of situations happen all the time. I don’t know how to prevent it. I can’t respond right away. I need to go home, get angry, think about it and then try to be brave enough to stand up for myself.<span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>

    Another thing: my friend’s parents helped me a lot with my apartment. I invited them couple of times but then my place was not done entirely. So I was planning to invite them for dinner and cook something. Then this friend came last weekend and said let’s invite them tomorrow.I said ok. I had no shopping, very little money left, haven’t cleaned the place. She said her mom will prepare chicken and we’ll just do some vegetables and potatoes. I was angry the next day, I had to clean in a rush, didn’t even have and drinks or dessert, that’s not how I wanted this dinner to look like. In the end it was nice but they brought the chicken and drinks so I felt stupid. I was angry at myself that I never make decisions, I just do what people tell me to do, I’m passive. That’s the best way to describe myself.

    I think its a good thing in a way that I get angry. I never did. I mean, I did, I got angry at myself but never acted. I just vented or got angry in my room in silence. Now I’m angry at people. Which is probably not that good but.. Not sure how to change it. I think it has something to do with not having identity and what we talked about earlier. Not trusting myself. What do you think?<span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>

    Also another question if you dont mind me asking. Of course you won’t answer if you dont want to, I will understand. Were you ever afraid of being narcissistic? I read about this a lot. I think I am more of a victim type, but some people say narcissistic mothers raise narcissistic daughters. Sometimes I catch myself being passive aggressive to some people. Or focusing on my feelings too much. What do you think?

    #334816
    joanna.s
    Participant

    Dear Anita, you wrote: “Like you I didn’t know an identity, not in my twenties, or my thirties, or forties. I too did not trust myself to make decisions, not even small decisions, not even the smallest decision between having vanilla or strawberry ice cream, literally.” – Could you please elaborate on that? I think I know what you mean, but I’m not sure if it happened to me, perhaps yes, I need to think about that.  I think small everyday decisions bring me struggle, never knew why I’m so indecisive  but could you please say more about it. Example: when choosing a face cream seeing all the wide choice I have, I cannot buy one, I HAVE TO buy 3 or 4 because I can’t choose which is the good one and I’m afraid if I do choose only one I’ll miss out somehow, so I  get a couple of them so that I don’t have to choose. wow that’s really weird.

    Yes I am aware of my need for my mother, recently I have feeling I “miss ” her but not miss her, as you miss someone, I know spending time with her is: walking on eggshells, being careful not to offend her, listening to her vent, being scolded, absorbing her emotions, so NO, I don’t “miss” her as a basic meaning of a word ‘miss’. I miss having a mother. I miss a person she sometimes was, whenever she behaved “okay” it was cool for me. But mostly she’s not and she has a bad influence on me, so phone calls from time to time are okay, don’t affect me that much I think.

    #334698
    joanna.s
    Participant

    Dear Peter, Thanks. That’s interesting, could you please elaborate?

    #334696
    joanna.s
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Yes, pretty much. what I wanted to add is..having a narcissistic mother is tricky. I just realized something since I’ve been living apart from her, which is a good revelation: there are things I’ve done on purpose, to make her angry like not getting driving license and showing her I hate cars – which is not true, I hated the fact she pushed me but what this has done for me is I have been living for her, I did not get driving license FOR HER. because of her. My own preference was not important, I did not even have one. Which is stupid. I’m just realizing this. I used to say I hated the city because she made me move here. I was always making her angry saying I want to live in a village and have no ambitions like she said about my dad.Truth is I got used to living in the city and it’s tough for me to be far away. She used to call me messy and clumsy so I was more messy just to show her. I hated the fact she is so neat and cleans everything all the time. Truth is, I realized while living alone I like my things organized. I clean before going to sleep because I feel better. I used to “love” a guy who she thought was perfect, maybe he was, his appearance, way of speaking, he was a perfect idea of a man. But we didn’t have much in common, he was into games and boring stuff which literally bored me, but I did not see that then, because once  I discovered how impressed she was by him I started chasing him and fell in love after 2 or 3 dates. (I showed her a picture very early and she “loved” him). It’s sad I really thought I loved him where in reality I was crazy about the idea that my mother admires me for having a perfect man, that this perfect man wants me, I must be worth something. so I discovered some things about myself. Still not enough to have a personality/identity.. and still too late to discover this. I know it’s good I did but it’s too late. I know it sounds not very complicated but I think people who has grown with a narcissistic and abusive mother would understand.

    What I struggle the most is seeking validation. Even today when she called me I deliberately told her about commuting and how it’s tiring just to hear her approval about my problem. I’m an adult and I dont trust myself to make a big decision. I know it’s hasty to move out, maybe I should live here for a year or two but I already know I dont feel good here and it’s not for me. How to discover what I like and want in life, how do I do that. I’m not even sure I hate this place.. can’t tell. I know I think I don’t like the commuting, I dont like the fact there are no shops around, but I hated the noise in the city. But I miss living near some places, not in the middle of nowhere. I feel like I don’t even trust to ask myself what I want, because there is no me. I think sometimes I pretend and fake having opinions and preferences. not on purpose, I just dont know how to tell if I like something or not. Like I always used to say I love playing the piano, guitar, My dad did and since moving out there was no one to teach me, and she failed to continue my music education because she didn’t care, so I was always making her angry saying how I wasted my talent because of her. Recently I realized I’m more into singing, and I always was and I don’t really like to play instruments that much, which I really didn’t know then because I spent my life doing and saying things for my mother to hear, and not focusing on my own preferences. I know it sounds scary. I wasted my life “acting” and pretending for my mother, I created a person based on what she projected on me, and I’m not that person, it scares me it’s impossible to develop a sense of identity after all these years, I don’t even know how to do that.

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