Hello again Anita 🙂

I don’t think my parents necessarily made me feel alone while growing up. They were there for me, they were responsible parents but they were in their early twenties when they had me and I remember my mum being nervous, anxious, and having high expectations and standards about me. This probably helped my academic success and achievements but also caused me to have a strong inner critic.

I can define her as critical, judgemental and even somewhat puritan and uptight about me and about people. Not that much with my younger brother though:) If you’d ask him, you will get a different portrait.  She would intervene in my relationships even when I was not a teenager anymore. For example I was 23 when she made it clear that she disapproves my boyfriend whom I was very in love with and gave me a very hard time. wanted me to leave him, tried to set me up with her friends nephew. things like that..

She also made me think I was cold and distant because this is how she describes me to my face and to others.

So, up until I was in my thirties I accepted these as certain facts about me, and I internalised them. I don’t think it’s a mature thing to blame your parents for every difficulty you are having in your life, but I can see now that she is one of the reasons why I can be mean and insensitive to myself. Now she wants to be more close but I keep her away at a safe distance without any confrontations.  But this current situation also bothers me a little.

Having said all these, this last relationship of mine comforted me and made me feel good because he was calm and acceptant and relaxed. But also, we couldn’t make it together because he was a little extreme in these same very aspects to the point of not caring about anything and not having ambitions about life and future.

This is why when I sometimes feel alone now, I fantasise about getting back together and it makes me feel weak because I know he is not the one for me and I don’t want to create a more positive image in my head about him and obsess about it.

I poured my heart out. Thank you for reading it.