Dear Miss Healing:

Welcome back. Reads like this man is not interested in a committed relationship with you or with any woman, just like he told you, and that he is interested in casual dating. I don’t see him giving you mixed signals: he is attracted to you (at least at times) and he is interested in you for sex and company in the context of casual dating, but not in the context of a monogamous, committed love relationship.

In December 2018, a bit over a year ago, you wrote about a concept that was new to you at the time: “original wound”. You wrote that this wound is “the pain I’ve been carrying my whole life”. It happened in the context of your relationships with your parents, “never get to know how hugs or emotional support was”. You chased their love, or validation, by earning good grades in school, “my whole worthiness depends on my grades”, but it wasn’t enough for your parents, “I could have always been better.. there was always something else I could do”. You wrote at the time: “Nowadays, I’m a medical doctor working at the best hospital in my country and still don’t feel enough”.

“the unworthiness .. has been chasing me since I was a little girl”, you wrote then. “I can’t look myself in the mirror everyday without feeling hate and disgust”.

My thoughts today: a mature, healthy and loving man wouldn’t think that because a woman feels unworthy then she really is unworthy. But most people are not that mature, healthy and loving, and when they see a person who feels unworthy, they think the person really is unworthy and they proceed to treat the person accordingly.

This man may very well be one of most people I just mentioned. I know that the thread I quoted from is a year old, but the unworthiness you expressed then (and in previous threads), cannot possibly disappear in a year.

It is very important that you become aware of the ways you communicate that feeling of unworthiness, particularly in the dating context, and change those ways, so that you no longer communicate that sense of unworthiness to others. It takes less time to change behavior than it takes to change a core belief (I-am-unworthy) and the feelings that go with it.

I am aware now, looking back at my life, how I communicated to others my feeling/ core belief of being unworthy, and indeed many treated me accordingly and some took advantage of it, using my unworthiness feeling so to serve themselves to me. If I could go back in time, I would do what I suggest you do, change my behavior first and continue to attend therapy and heal from that original wound that you mentioned.

anita