January 26, 2020 at 7:00 pm #335230
Hey guys! Been a while since my last time here. So, a couple years ago I met this guy in a dating app. Let’s call him “Joe”. At first, I thought Joe was attractive, besides, he’s a doctor…So am I. When we talked, I thought our chat was boring and non-productive, he used to be a yes/no/maybe guy…in that time we didn’t know each other in person so it was easy for me to stop replying to his monosyllable texts. A couple of weeks later he followed me on Instagram and added me as a Facebook friend. Occasionally, Joe texted me…and started to insist on having a date; since I was bored at the time, I accepted. We got along really well, unlike the “Cyber-Joe” he had a lot of conversation, was really kind and a gentleman. After some dates, we officially started like, really dating hahahaha I was excited and saw a lot of future for us as a couple.
One day, he invited me to a Halloween costume party made by his hospital friends but couldn’t made it because I was on call on that day. Days after the party, things between us got cold and I didn’t understand why. I got really anxious and decided to confront me and ask “Hey, is it everything OK? I think you’ve been acting weird and distant”, long story short he texted me that he bumped into a girl that he was into a long time ago in the party, and that he wanted to have a chance with her. He literally told me he didn’t want to be an asshole and date two girls at the same time. I felt when my heart raised, and my face got hot. I WAS MAD, I WAS HURTED….I just could answer him “OK”.
A few months later, I got in a relationship (it was a quick one) and when Joe noticed so, he started to text me again and constantly remind me that I wasn’t single and he was. At first, I didn’t mind at all and felt some kind of satisfaction because he looked for me again.
Then, feelings for him hit me right in the face. I still, was into him and my mind never stopped asking where was I wrong? Why did he like me so much and then just leave? My ego and soul are hurt by the day. I’ve been speaking to my therapist a lot about this, this kind of rejection really get me.
Last Thursday, we met again, we had dinner and wine. Again, conversation and the time together was pleasant and fun. I really like him, he is finishing his medical residence and he’s been clear that he is busy most of time and doesn’t want to get envolved into a serious relationship. My mind in some way, understands it. But, Im still hurt. I don’t know why does he still looking for him all the time, tells me I’m pretty and he is very attracted to me.
I get his mixed signals, and, I don’t know what should I do next to stop feeling hurt by the way he acts. At sometimes, It feels that he is just in the hunt, and I’m no longer a challenge to him.
Thanks for reading guys.
Love, M.January 27, 2020 at 8:02 am #335308
Dear Miss Healing:
Welcome back. Reads like this man is not interested in a committed relationship with you or with any woman, just like he told you, and that he is interested in casual dating. I don’t see him giving you mixed signals: he is attracted to you (at least at times) and he is interested in you for sex and company in the context of casual dating, but not in the context of a monogamous, committed love relationship.
In December 2018, a bit over a year ago, you wrote about a concept that was new to you at the time: “original wound”. You wrote that this wound is “the pain I’ve been carrying my whole life”. It happened in the context of your relationships with your parents, “never get to know how hugs or emotional support was”. You chased their love, or validation, by earning good grades in school, “my whole worthiness depends on my grades”, but it wasn’t enough for your parents, “I could have always been better.. there was always something else I could do”. You wrote at the time: “Nowadays, I’m a medical doctor working at the best hospital in my country and still don’t feel enough”.
“the unworthiness .. has been chasing me since I was a little girl”, you wrote then. “I can’t look myself in the mirror everyday without feeling hate and disgust”.
My thoughts today: a mature, healthy and loving man wouldn’t think that because a woman feels unworthy then she really is unworthy. But most people are not that mature, healthy and loving, and when they see a person who feels unworthy, they think the person really is unworthy and they proceed to treat the person accordingly.
This man may very well be one of most people I just mentioned. I know that the thread I quoted from is a year old, but the unworthiness you expressed then (and in previous threads), cannot possibly disappear in a year.
It is very important that you become aware of the ways you communicate that feeling of unworthiness, particularly in the dating context, and change those ways, so that you no longer communicate that sense of unworthiness to others. It takes less time to change behavior than it takes to change a core belief (I-am-unworthy) and the feelings that go with it.
I am aware now, looking back at my life, how I communicated to others my feeling/ core belief of being unworthy, and indeed many treated me accordingly and some took advantage of it, using my unworthiness feeling so to serve themselves to me. If I could go back in time, I would do what I suggest you do, change my behavior first and continue to attend therapy and heal from that original wound that you mentioned.