Anita,

Thank you for the throrough analysis of my previous posts and connecting some dots.  I do know that my mothers lies, that I lie, that we all lie at times. In my experience as a human, it hurts to be lied to, but holding on to the actions of other people traps me in the victim-victimizer mindset. I think that an important step in my healing is to not obsess over my own, or other people’s behaviors (lying), but rather try to understand why the behavior might be happening on a deeper level. My mother is a habitual liar because she believes she needs to protect other people’s feelings, and protect herself. I do the same thing, for the same reason. My greatest relationship (boyfriend-girlfriend dynamic) trauma happened in 2011 with a boyfriend who slept with two other people, and lied to me when I had asked if he had slept with anyone else since the last time we saw each other (it was a long distance relationship, and our relationship had been on and off). He lied, and I believed him. I can justify lying when it is intended to protect other people’s feelings. In my human mind, I can’t justify lying when it is done for selfish reasons, and I believe that he lied to me for selfish reasons, because he probably figured I would not have sex with him if I knew that he had slept with other people.  I would not have slept with him had I known he had been with two other people since we last saw each other.  I would have been hurt and not wanted to see him during the week that he was home (He was home from college for a week when this occurred, and off to China for a study abroad).  We had sex and I trusted him.  During that week, we got into a car accident.  He was driving, rolled through a stop sign and I was in the passenger seat.  We were T-boned by a car going 55-60 miles per hour on my side of the car.  I was unconscious for about 20 minutes and sustained a concussion.  He didn’t sustain any injuries.  At the time, I wasn’t mad at him for getting us into a car accident.  It was an accident, after all.  While he was in China, he suffered severe anxiety attacks (probably from the guilt of lying and getting us into a car accident).  When he came home, everything just felt very off, as it had that whole summer.  We broke up.  That winter, about 3 or 4 months after we broke up when he returned from China, he sent me an email disclosing that he had lied to me about sleeping with two other people before we saw each other that May.  He probably did this because the guilt was eating away at him.  At first, I was in denial about my anger and tried to forgive him immediately.  I didn’t feel angry until a few weeks later.  I think I have felt angry ever since.  If he would not have lied to me, I wouldn’t have wanted to see him, we wouldn’t have gotten into the car accident, I might not have spent that whole summer waiting around for him to get back from China. I might have moved on with my life.  These thoughts are not productive and I try not to feed into them anymore.  Acknowledging the anger and feelings are most important.  What makes me the most angry is that on a deep level, I think I knew that he lied to me before we saw each other.  I was and am angry at myself for not listening to my inner guidance of lie detection.  I wanted to trust him, and I tried to.  I think there is still residual trauma in my body from the car accident, as well as trauma for being lied to.  Me and him have been broken up since March of 2014, he is married now to a girl who slightly resembles me. He still shows up in my dreams quite often, so I know there is still unprocessed trauma in my relationship with him that I need to address.

It is not my job as a human to justify lying behaviors of other people. Lying is a behavior that happens for underlying reasons.  It has been exhausting trying to justify how he could lie to me for such selfish reasons.  I don’t think that he was trying to protect my feelings, I think he lied in order to ensure that he would see me and we would have sex when he was home for a week in between college and China.  I cannot wrap my head around this type of lie, and the more angry I feel at him for having lied to me so selfishly, the more I hold myself and my vibration in the victim-victimizer programming.  This is part of my story, and there was a lesson to be learned from all of it.  The lesson is to trust myself above anyone else, and trust my inner guidance.  My inner guidance had been warped from a young age due to being lied to by my mother, and probably my father. I wanted to trust them above anything else.  They were my nurturers and care takers.  They were my “gods”.  I didn’t want to believe that they could lie to me.  But they are humans too.  The problem was that I trusted them over my own intuition.  They would lie, and I might feel like something was off, but I ignored that little voice inside me telling me that something was off because I wanted to believe them.  This created a disconnection.  The lesson here is to learn how to rebuild trust in myself.

Thank you, again for your insights. I am grateful.