@genie – thanks for your kind words and acknowledgement that just because my relationship was short doesn’t mean it wasn’t meaningful. Tbh I feel like I am fumbling along but I really appreciate your pep talks!

@Shelby – the rose coloured glasses are really something huh. But it’s good you’re open to being reminded of the uglier bits. I’m sorry to hear about your work stress and the anxiety of losing the key! Such a thing would make me super anxious too. I hope you are able to get some relaxation in this weekend?? The fact you still look for gratitude despite feeling like absolute sh*t at times says a lot about your strength of character. I salute you! One thing I am grateful for for sure is you starting this thread! Thinking of you and hoping you are able to get in some self care this weekend x

And as for I don’t want to jinx it but I really feel like this week has been a turning point in a positive way for me, despite being stressful.

Couple of ‘aha’ moments – got a call that my dad was in hospital with potential heart issues (luckily it was just a scare and he’s recovering at home now), and instinctively wanted to reach out to my ex for comfort. But it felt more… intellectual… this time. Like, while the idea still appealed, the reality has sunk in that I knew it would make me feel worse and that I could seek support elsewhere. So I avoided that entirely and talked to my housemates instead which was lovely. Not having such a gripping need for contact and support from her feels empowering..

Other one is, I have been trying extra hard to reach out to people in the spirit of remaining open to connection, instead of using it as an excuse to close myself off which is very very tempting – as a protective approach.

So… My brother, who lives overseas, and I live very seperate lives. I hadn’t talked to him in a very long time, but he messaged me about our dad. Usually the conversation would have been short and mechanical but this time I made the effort to ask him how his counselling is going (he told my parents over Christmas he was seeking it for anxiety). I explained I am struggling with it too. We ended up having a conversation about how it affects both of us, and I also told him about my break up, and came out to him in the process because I used the word ‘she’! Conversation ended with an agreement we are always here for one another despite not keeping in touch much and we should talk more. Deepest conversation we have had in years…

Second… On Monday I reached out to an acquaintance after she peer reviewed some work of mine – we don’t work for the same organisation but in the same field and she has just started a new job in an organisation I used to work for. Prior to being proactive about this post breakup my social anxiety would have stopped me from doing such a thing. We met up today and really, we hit it off so well that at the end I told her I feel like I’d known her for years – after 45 mins. We both shared mutual experiences I would usually take months to tell people about. It was really surreal, the instant connection and bond, Not in like a romantic way – I don’t even know if she is into women – just in a deeply human way. But also it’s the first time I have felt such an instant connection since meeting my ex it is nice to prove to myself that such a thing is possible!

I was reflecting afterwards about how when my ex told me that she was ultimately content with being solitary and didn’t generally see the need to seek connection from others (e.g she said to me a couple of times that she would be quite happy to live by herself in a remote place) I felt jealous for awhile. I have always been one to want to be around and get to know people deeply, and often wish I was more content on being alone because opening yourself up can lead to such pain, as it has with her. But this week has confirmed to me that I would rather seek connection and risk being hurt than not reach out at all. And I’m proud of myself for using this as an experience to be vulnerable, really. I am trying not to daydream about this potential new friendship too much but I do hope we meet again soon!

Anyway, have rambled enough. Don’t get me wrong, I have had my sad times this week. But I think for the first time in more than a year I can see a way out of this deep depressive hole I’ve been in, and see myself being able to move on from my ex. So celebrations definitely in order! If you got this far, thanks for reading. Happy weekend. Xxx

• This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by Adelaide1.
• This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by Adelaide1.