@genie Thanks for your affirmation! My disability does define me in a lot of ways, but not in a negative way – it has shaped how I exist and interact with the world – what doesn’t define me but what I still let define me is people’s negative reactions to it which I have internalised. And that is not surprising given societal attitudes towards it; I mean there is a show featuring disabled people going on dates called “the Undateables” for gods sake. But I feel determined to let go of that shame. I deserve to value myself – other people’s perceptions are not my problem. Easier said than done, but working on it!

I had another lovely catch up with a close friend today. We spent a lot of time talking about relationships and anxiety. We are similar personality wise and  relationship experience wise so it was particularly comforting. She told me she is definitely doing a speech at my wedding recounting these conversations. Ha, we’ll see!

I have been ruminating a lot today about whether or not my ex will contact me on my birthday later this week – imagining her not doing so and how hurtful that will feel. I’m not sure why I care so much – I guess because I’m human and I’d like to think she cares enough about me to make the effort to do that. There’s nothing to suggest she won’t, but also if she does I am not sure what I am expecting out of such an interaction. The temptation would be to suggest we meet up again but as I’ve already established that makes me feel worse, so why bother. I know it’s mostly the anticipation of it more than the contact itself, but there is no rationalising myself out of it. Brains… so weird.

Things are objectively a lot better than they were when I posted here almost three weeks ago. And yet, sometimes, like now, I still feel so sad that things didn’t work out and like I will never find love. I guess there’s nothing to do in such times then just sit with the sadness and know it will pass…

I saw this quote a few weeks ago and come back to it often

Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.

Someone reading may find comfort in it too. Hope you all have a good weekend!