Dear Anita,

I read your reply when you sent it and instantly began to observe my mom, the relationship with my mom, the feelings I have for her, the feelings our interractions produce and how I externalize those feelings. Here`s what I found out:

• the points you made are…on point. I am extremely loyal to my mom, even if at times I have to mute my inner voice, perception, emotions etc. She is so special to me, we had to fight together to stay alive at my birth, because she had complications that could kill us both. Maybe that was imprinted in my subconsious.
• I was following the same path my dad had with his mother. He was extremely attached to her and although he never restrained his anger explotions towards her, he would litterally torture himself with guilt (still does) and make sure she forgave him. This obsessive sense of loyalty and respect towards his parents was passed unto me. Alongside with the guilt tripping.
• I am super nice to my mom because I saw the unfair treatment she had from her mother. My grandma was a narcissistic woman, manipulative with anger issues. She married a saintly man, my grandad who was too timid to stand up for himself or his kids. She hated my dad and was tutoring us against him, even as little as 4 years old. I myself had a super rocky relationship towards my grandma, even now that I forgave her and I care for her, I`m still unable to erase all the hurt inside of me.Now she is calm and caring because she is unable to sustain herself and she loves my dad to death (?!). My mom was emotionally neglected to the extreme and had no real friends, no one to lean on, to fight for her. So, I think I am the replacement of her mother emotionally, a role I took on completely on my own.

To really solve this conflict, you will have to .. betray your mother, so to speak. Can and will you  betray your mother this way, asserting yourself, acting in a way that you value, a way that will cause you to admire yourself?    I actually did that yesterday. Her boss is rude to her and she didnt stand up for herself and I had an mini explotion of anger (not being mean or offensive) when she told me she didnt feel the need to speak out. And it felt nice. I was peaceful afterwards. Maybe all this strife with myself was because I was not expressing myself.

Truth is, theres nothing I hate more, nothing I am more afraid of than being/ witnessing unfairness. More than death, more than loneliness, more than pain. When I was a child, I wanted to become a judge or laywer to protect victims (especially of rape/domestic violence/human rights). Maybe that adds nothing to the dialogue here but I think its worth mentioning.  I stopped having these aspirations when I started being bullied at my new highschool  (age 14)and completely lost my voice. I didnt stand up for myself, or do anything, thus I thought I would become a fail of a laywer. Before that and at my old school I used to be the MOST outspoken, confident, boldsy, strong girl in the whole building. My classmates had debates with me and everyone thought Id be very succefull with a career in law. I had memorized the Greek Constitution and was known for my feministic view (1- 2 wave feminism). I am honestly clueless where this kid “went”… Still looking for her.