Hi Anita- thanks very much for taking the time to come back and reply to my post, I’m touched you would make the effort. It is quite hard to read your reply though, seeing my behaviour back in black and white!! It’s a bitter pill but I’m sure is good for me to understand in the long run. Of course, you are right. I have actually been having psychotherapy (psychodynamic) for the past year, which is upsetting because clearly it didn’t have very much of an impact on my behaviour! I think most of my issues come from the fact that my father had multiple affairs throughout my childhood and eventually went off to have children with another woman, leaving my mother when I was ten. My mother was so distressed by his behaviour and for years afterwards that maybe she wasn’t the most.. present.. mother to me and my brothers much of the time. The problem is while I logically know all this, that knowledge doesn’t seem to be enough to change my behaviour now. I find it hard to make the emotional connection.

In case anyone wanted an update on my situation: I didn’t go on my holiday at first because I was so upset. However, I then caved in and texted the guy because I felt bad about the way we’d left things; I apologised for saying I felt like he’d lead me on when he didn’t, and said that I was “still fond of him despite us being totally romantically incompatible” [even though it was obviously more my fault than his] and that I’d hope we can be friends eventually. He replied saying he’d “still love to be in my life (have I said those words enough)?” and that our relationship was something we “both wanted to work but just didn’t know how”. I then (at great expense!) booked myself more flights and decided to go on the second week of my holiday. It was amazing and I’m so glad I went- I met lots of other nice people and reminded myself that I can survive without him. I haven’t initiated contact with him since, but he still follows me on instagram and has been commenting on my stories. He also sent me a happy birthday message on 24th Jan with six kisses and asking lots about my holiday, which I replied to casually but found confusing and difficult having contact. I’d said we were work colleagues so as not to identify us but the truth is we were actually in a band together (his band), and at the weekend he asked if I want to play another gig with them at the end of the month, and potentially re-join the band if I want. I said yes to playing the gig, but I feel like I shouldn’t have because whilst I really miss playing music and miss the other members too, I’m worried I’ll feel awful having more contact with him now as purely friends. I do still really miss him and honestly would want something to work out between us, though I logically know he is just being friendly. He could even have a new girlfriend, I have no idea. My current plan is to play the one gig, act like I’m completely chilled and over it, and then not re-join the band after. But it’s going to be really difficult! Thanks for reading if anyone made it this far 🙂