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Relationship ended, feeling empty

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This topic contains 7 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  Valora 2 weeks, 1 day ago.

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  • #331923

    Sarah
    Participant

    Hi all,

    I’ve written a few other posts but wanted to write a final one (for now at least!) to finish my story. Sadly It doesn’t have a happy ending, and now I’m struggling with how to cope, so I just thought it would be worth asking if anyone has any advice or thoughts on how best to move forward?

    To cut a long story short: I had just started seeing a close friend I had known and been in love with for the past year. In October he told me he had feelings for me and we finally got together a while later. However, I can get very anxious, especially when I really like someone, and I ended up being a bit crazy and insecure with him on several occasions (asking whether he still loved his ex, wondering aloud if we were really compatible, jumping to conclusions about what he thought on a few occasions). Deep down, i think I thought i could trust him enough because we were friends before that we would survive me being a bit crazy, but turns out I was wrong. At some point, I could tell he was having doubts so I messaged him ending things (because I thought that was what he wanted), and he didn’t reply.

    This was a month ago, and I since messaged him again and we exchanged a few messages- he’d said he didn’t stop liking me but had thought it may not be a healthy thing for us to be together. However, the messages also left the door slightly open to reconciliation (several friends of mine agreed..) so I thought we should meet up in person to talk about what happened. To be honest, I had not expected but hoped he would say he did love me and wanted to give things another go. However, we just met up this evening in person and in reality it was just sad, a bit awkward and distant. He obviously wasn’t expecting this to be a let’s get back together meeting and the impression I got was that he thought it was a good idea we broke up, and he said essentially that I really was just too crazy and insecure (in a nicer way than that, but thereabouts). He was perfectly pleasant but I just came away feeling like he never really cared, like the last year meant nothing to him and like we can’t even be friends now because maybe our friendship wasn’t real.

    I now just feel empty, am dreading having to try and sleep and waking up remembering all this. I did the really bad emotional bit when we broke up originally, but now just feel sad and lost. I just can’t believe his feelings, which he said were so strong and which had built up over a year, changed within a week or so. I don’t want this experience to make it even harder for me to trust people than it already is, but it feels like my worst fears were proved right (that he was too good for me and he would leave me). I even booked a holiday next week in November because I thought our “relationship” would combust by now and that I’d need a break.. which is exactly what happened! However, now I have to go on a holiday which I am dreading because I have to go on my own to a scary part of the world with minimal wifi. Sorry, maybe I’m just ranting but I feel so sad about this whole situation and don’t really know or who else to talk to (my friends are bored of hearing about it!). Any advice would be much appreciated.

    #331927

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sarah:

    I am glad you posted again, and please do post anytime you want, it’s not that busy here that I wouldn’t want to read from you anytime you want to express your thoughts and feelings.

    I know you did your part in bringing this relationship to an end, but it is likely that the relationship wouldn’t have worked out regardless, simply because most relationships do end in a breakup.

    Does this make you feel a tiny bit better?

    It is not the end of your world, you are still alive and healthy, aren’t you? And you are about to go on an adventure (how scary is that part of the world??)

    anita

    #332033

    Valora
    Participant

    I can get very anxious, especially when I really like someone, and I ended up being a bit crazy and insecure with him on several occasions (asking whether he still loved his ex, wondering aloud if we were really compatible, jumping to conclusions about what he thought on a few occasions)

    He obviously wasn’t expecting this to be a let’s get back together meeting and the impression I got was that he thought it was a good idea we broke up, and he said essentially that I really was just too crazy and insecure (in a nicer way than that, but thereabouts). He was perfectly pleasant but I just came away feeling like he never really cared, like the last year meant nothing to him and like we can’t even be friends now because maybe our friendship wasn’t real.

    Hi Sarah,

    I quoted the two parts of your post above because there are similar patterns of thought in both of them, before and after the breakup. When you were together, you said you’d been insecure and had jumped to conclusions. Looking back, had he really given you any reason to wonder these things or was it just your insecurities making you fear that these things were happening? If it was simply your insecurities/fears, you can then look at that last sentence quoted and know that that is likely your insecurities talking, too… that you did and do mean something to him, your relationship with him was very real, and I think you can take it at face value when he said that he still liked you but didn’t think the relationship was healthy for you… it likely wasn’t healthy for you. It was bringing out some major insecurities in you, and that can sort of become a self-fulfilling prophecy a lot of times. You have to work on those before you get into a relationship so that you don’t end up self-sabotaging it with insecurities, and if you decide to trust someone, you have to do your best to trust them fully and not let your doubts sneak in unless they deliberately do something that should raise red flags.

     I just can’t believe his feelings, which he said were so strong and which had built up over a year, changed within a week or so. I don’t want this experience to make it even harder for me to trust people than it already is, but it feels like my worst fears were proved right (that he was too good for me and he would leave me). I even booked a holiday next week in November because I thought our “relationship” would combust by now and that I’d need a break.. which is exactly what happened!

    Have you ever read anything about the Law of Attraction? We tend to manifest or bring into our lives the things that we focus on, especially when there is great emotion attached (such as fear) or if we have strong beliefs about it. You were focusing so hard on him leaving you that you literally booked a trip months in advance, while you were still with him, to give yourself a break because you were expecting to be broke up by then. You manifested the breakup yourself in time to go on the vacation you planned for the breakup you were expecting… your belief that it would happen was that strong. It’s the perfect example of how it works.

    So… my best advice is to learn from this. I know you’re feeling awful now and that’s totally normal with a breakup. Give yourself time to grieve and recover, but then work on yourself and these beliefs you have about people always leaving you. Fear of abandonment is a very, very common belief/fear and there is a lot of information even for free on the internet that you can read that may help you to get past the insecurities and change this belief so that the next relationship you get into (maybe even with the same guy, if you show him over time that you’ve grown out of your insecurities) will be much more likely to be successful. You’ll have a much better chance of a happy, committed, long-term relationship with someone who will stick around if you are able to move past the insecurities and fears that have become a self-fulfilling prophecy in the past and then you WILL be able to trust that they’ll stay if you’re both a good match for each other… but that’s the key. It still doesn’t guarantee that you will always stay with each other because sometimes it takes dating for a while to figure out that you’re not a good match… but when you DO find a good match for you, you won’t let any insecurities/doubts get in the way like before, and then that’s when the guy will stay.

    #332113

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Sarah,

    It’s normal to be “crazy” and emotional when we’re young. I see it two ways:

    1. Next time, don’t act “crazy”. Keep your cool.

    2. On the other hand…If he can’t handle it when you’re “crazy”, at your worst, then he’s not relationship material either.

    It’s super interesting you prophesied the demise of the relationship so much that you booked a solo trip from it! Do you REALLY want to go?? You don’t have to, you know. Yes, it could be a great adventure in a new place but it could also be you alone in a strange place grieving a breakup.

    My advice is not to reach out to him. Let him reach out to you. Maybe the friendship can be salvaged, and if you play it cool maybe next year you BOTH will be ready for each other. Don’t mention the relationship fiasco again to him. Make him think HE’S “crazy”.

    Best,

    Inky

    #332077

    Lost girl
    Participant

    Hy i am new in this page so don’t know if is okay to send it here !!

     

    i am 21 and i have been arranged engaged from age 8 now i fall in love with the boy this is my first ever experience with the boy i never ever even spoke with my fiance but i am keeping this relationship  in secret to my family! I want to marry this boy after knowing him 1 months but i am scared how my family will react to my decisions that I want to end this arrange engagement because they are little strict ?

     

    is any hope for my future with this boy or i will need to marry my finace?

    thank you!!! I need help

    #332227

    Clara
    Participant

    Hi Sarah!

    My first thought was “This doesn’t sound like ‘crazy’ behaviour”. Insecure, yes. Crazy, no. I don’t know too many people who don’t feel at least some level of insecurity in the beginning stages of being with someone they like. I have had the same questions in my head so many times in relationships, but never vocalize them. Is playing it cool better? That’s debatable.

    You say he was a close friend before you got together, so presumably he knows you, and knows how you would act in relationships. Unless you did a total 180 after you got with him, he shouldn’t be surprised.

    That said, no one likes an insecure partner. But I sort of feel like if he had really felt like it was something he wanted to pursue, those nagging questions wouldn’t have put him off.

    Give yourself and him some space. Don’t contact him (as hard as it may be). Let him remember the reason why he wanted to be with you in the first place. If he does come around, you need to ask yourself if you really want to be with someone who you feel so insecure with. Rather, with someone who responds the way he did to your insecurities. Because won’t that just make you more insecure?

    When I was younger, I was desperately insecure in most of my relationships. Looking back on the guys I was dating, I would say “no wonder I was!”. Not that this is all on him…

    I hope you feel better soon. We always have no idea how we can move on after a painful break up, but we do. And we grow, and become more aware of what we want and don’t want and what we will put up with or not. As hard as it is, use this time for some introspection. Take care of yourself!

    Last thing: I also agree with whoever in the above responses said that imagining the end of your relaitonship before it’s even over, will most likely bring what you are visualizing.

    #332349

    Sarah
    Participant

    Anita- thank you. You’re right, I guess it’s hard to accept but I will keep reminding myself of those things.

    Valora- I am aware of the law of attraction but I haven’t looked into it properly- but I will now. I agree, even I am surprised at what a good example of that my situation was. I have actually been having counselling for the past year to try and help my issues but I’m not sure how far it’s got me since this all happened now! But I will keep seeking. Thank you.

    Inky- You’re right. As for the holiday, I don’t really want to go, I just feel like I have to because I’ve spent so much money on it, and if I don’t go I’ll just sit around being sad anyway. Thanks for your advice.

    Lost girl- You should write this in your own post and we can reply to you there!

    Clara- thank you for your advice. I think, to be honest, I actually I did do quite a 180 when I got into the relationship. But still, something doesn’t quite add up, so I guess he just must not have been that into it. I definitely will try and be more trusting and stop visualising the end if I ever find another relationship.

    #332375

    Valora
    Participant

    Valora- I am aware of the law of attraction but I haven’t looked into it properly- but I will now. I agree, even I am surprised at what a good example of that my situation was. I have actually been having counselling for the past year to try and help my issues but I’m not sure how far it’s got me since this all happened now! But I will keep seeking. Thank you.

    I’m glad to hear you’re going to counseling. I go too, and I do think it helps, even if it’s gradual. The important part is you’re trying and I think that speaks volumes of good things about you.  If interested, one of my favorite blogs on law of attraction is Life Made to Order. The blog writer explains things in a way that is realistic and easy to follow, she advises that people not just focus on positivity but also work to get rid of the “ick” when it shows up, which helps to clear up that bad energy, and her writing is also helpful when it comes to accepting and being okay with things the way they are, even when they feel bad at the moment. That site has been sort of a form of counseling for me, too, over the past couple of years because she’s made me see some things in a new and better way.

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