Dear Gaia:

Let’s look at what happened last night:

Words have been said that your father may be ill. The words entered your ears and reached your brain. As the words reached your brain, the first thing your words hit was that Magnifying Glass we talked about,  and Bam!  You experience not just anger, but rage, not concern, but anxiety, obsession .. terrified.. very anxious. not sadness, but despair.

-the words I added the bold feature to above, are your words.

Next thing that happens is you  think about “the worst case”, and about other relatives who died-> next, you tense up every time the phone rings ->next, you engage in compulsive checking->next, you feel caged in your compulsive habits-> next, you try to detach from them but crave them and give in to them-> next, your anger and frustration increase-> next, you think  to yourself  that you are overreacting to “any small interactions” and that you sound like a crybaby that always whines”-> next, you feel angry at  yourself for doing all that mindful work but failing to achieve more than “small breaks from the hell I usually find myself in”-> next, you “imagine very violent scenarios” and you feel like an “evil entity takes the control of me”-> next, you worry that some day you will be so angry and so violent that you will “do some regrettable sh**”

It is an avalanche, an escalation of distress, a quick escalation.

The words reached your brain and hit the Magnifying Glass, broke through that Magnifying Glass only to hit yet another Magnifying Glass and another and another … and another.

There  is only one way for you to overcome this series of magnifying glasses and escalation of distress, this avalanche of distress, and that is, to de-escalate, remove the magnifying glasses one by one by one.

You do this de-escalation by inserting realistic, true thoughts into this mix, for example: I don’t know if my father is ill, maybe he is not. (and even if he is not ill for now,  one day he will be ill, and so will  I, and everyone else I know. I need to be face this reality and not get overwhelmed).

More thoughts: I am angry, and that is okay. Everyone gets angry. It doesn’t mean I am evil or am taken possession by an evil entity. I am just angry, that’s all. After all, so far I have been in excellent control of my behavior, I was as angry as hell, but I didn’t do anything that placed me in prison. I am in control.

* If possible, at a time like this, during this avalanche, take a  walk outside, or exercise indoors, or take a hot bath, or lie down and listen to calming music, or watch a movie, or read a book (all healthy distractions so to give your brain a chance to de-escalate).

* If there is anyone to talk  with about your distress, talk or type away here. It helps de-escalate when you share/ express your worries. Do that sooner than later.

* When you find yourself doing the compulsions, stop resisting them and instead perform those compulsions in a slower speed, take your time performing this or that compulsion, so that you are not rushing through a compulsion. (This is the beginning of overcoming OCD compulsions from my personal experience).

Then empathy for yourself, insert thoughts such as: I am not a crybaby, I am suffering. I need to help myself, to calm myself, to de-escalate, hush… sweet Gaia, sh… it will be okay. You will see. I will feel better soon. Sh…

anita